If You Put Two Redheads Together You Have a Volcano
by Ellen1804
Summary: There is one particular flower shop in Kabuki-chou. That shop today just sold a bunch of white flowers to one particular yato. That yato plans to drop by his sister's workplace one particular day, and the Shinsengumi is not far behind. (Just a bunch of one-shots tied up together, really!) KamuiXKagura, OkitaXKagura, MayoXHijikata, KatsuraXIkumatsu, and many more!
1. Chapter 1

Shinpachi stood in front of the Yorozuya HQ, sweating. He pressed his ear in the tiny slit between the door and the wooden frame and tried to make out the sounds within. It sounded like... Gin-san screaming? Lots of crashing, big exploding bullets? Kagura cursing bloody murder? An umbrella being opened, no, two umbrellas being opened? What in the _world_ in happening in there? It sounded like Sadaharu decided he liked to eat wood and was devouring the floor! It sounded like Gintoki was losing it and was bashing everything in sight! It sounded like Katsura and Elizabeth thought the sky was falling and the only way to hold it up was to Katsurap again, with extra dance moves, and a tank! It sounded like Okita decided to break-dance in the living room with his hand on the trigger of his bazooka!

Shinpachi's knees started to shake. This is definitely not the time to get himself involved. Inside the Yorozuya HQ was a disaster waiting to be let out. Kagura can kick whoever's ass, and all he had to do was to go back later, when it was safe. Shinpachi turned from the door and started to the stair. _Yes, that's it. I'll just go watch a few concerts on the TV at the dojo and come back after those morons have exhausted themselves. That way..._

_ Wait, what am I thinking? _Shinpachi shook his head. _Since when was I such a coward? Follow the Samurai Code! My friends are in danger! I must save them!_ Tears slide down his cheeks dramatically. "Kagura! Gin-san! I've going to save youuu~!" Shinpachi turned around, sparkling all over, and gallantly began to reach for the door... And got smashed in the face by it. _Why me, _he thought. The door exploded, knocking him over the balcony, through the air, and landing his a neat face-plant with the sidewalk. This is Shinpachi the Great's first successful back flip.

Behind him, two beings jumped on the roof of the Yoroyuza HQ. Kagura had a limp on one leg and was leaning heavily on her umbrella. Kamui had three tears in his shirt, a bloody arm, and a bruise on his face. But Kagura was out of breath and panting, while Kamui looked fresh for a fight and was smiling. It was clear who was going to win. However, both of them seemed to have no intention of stopping.

Gintoki ran out from the ashes of the broken door, screaming, looking like all the chocolate parfaits in the world would not be enough to make him stay. He was holding a smashed, beeping cellphone in one hand and a brochure to the farthest planet away from Edo in the other. Pieces of paper, of wood, and of glass flew all around him. His normally dead-fish look was gone and he was aging by the second.

"Hijikata, you b*stard! What do you mean you only do anti-terrorist crap? Two very dangerous amanto are on my roof and they're going to destroy everything in ten mile's radius! One of them is going to kill his own sister! Nothing can get worse! What do you mean Kabuki district is not your shift today? It's Okita's problem? His patrol is in Kabuki today? Wait! Wait! Don't send that sadist here! Things can get worse! No!"

Gintoki looked at the screen of his cellphone. It hummed out a quiet "call-disconnected" tone. Gintoki lost all his color and slowly opened his wallet. It had nothing but a small slip of paper and thirty-seven yen. The paper had a word and a phone number, and the word was "lawyer". He typed in a number to his phone, and with a deadpan voice, said, "Hey, madao. Get me a damned lawyer. I need to write my will before I die... When am I going to die?"

Gintoki started to laugh crazily, and sweated profusely. "I'm going to die in five minutes, you fool! Leave all my savings to... What do you mean I have no savings?! Who do I leave my debts to? Ah, well, I guess Shinpachi then."

Shinpachi, who had dragged himself up the stairs, tried to punch Gintoki in the face. "Don't leave your debts to me, you b*stard," He screamed. "I am going to die too, you know! If I die, your debt's going to land on Otae! What is she going to do without me, her dear brother!" But before Gintoki could reply, which he surely would've with a snark answer, along the lines of "hey, are you going to refuse my going-away gift to you," they got blasted to the roof next door, each of them being hit on the head by an umbrella.

From that roof, they saw a terrifying scene. Kagura had blood all over her, and Kamui had what looked like a broken arm. Kagura was swaying. She spit out blood, and wiped her mouth slowly. Kamui's arm was in an awkward angle. He adjusted it with a painful _crack_, but did not even blink. He was grinning happily. Kagura took a slow step foward. Then her head snapped up and she ran straight to Kamui. He was still smiling. He knew every move she had; they had fought since birth and she did the same thing every time. She was going to feint toward his arm, but instead will aim lower with her foot and crush his heel, making him unable to stand. Her arm reached out. Her comes the left foot.

But that left foot never came. Kagura didn't aim for his leg, surprising him. She head butted him on the forehead and knocked him backwards. Now she was on top of him. Both of their umbrellas had fallen off the roof. She had a better resistance to sunlight, living in Edo for a longer time. In fact, the time he spent in Edo was underground, in Yoshiwara. Soon he would get dizzy. _That was a good move_, Kamui thought. If she managed to punch him hard enough to make him unconscious, she may win. She had gotten better. Kamui smiled cheerfully.

Kagura raised her hand. Here comes the punch, Kamui thought. But she had miscalculated. After she punched him, all Kamui needed to do was pivot and throw her off the roof, to the window of the café next door. Then she'll be pierced all over by glass shards and he could retrieve his umbrella. _This is my win, darling little nuisance. _Once he got his umbrella, she'd be blasted to next Tuesday. But she did get better. However, how did they ever get into this situation? He had come under a white flag, wanting to say hi before going on with his King of Yato duties, but as soon as Kagura caught a whiff of him she straight out started to bash him up. Kagura's hand made a fist. Kamui tensed himself for the impact. Her punch is not yet strong enough to knock him out.

But the punch never came. Gintoki and Shinpachi watched in shock as Kagura closed her fist over his hair flick and yanked.

Kamui thought she was going to pull his scalp off. Ow! Ow! Gaaaah! He's going to go bald like papa if she continued like that! Gaaaah! Stop it! Stop!

But behind his pain, Kamui was smiling. She had a good hold over him. But he had held back. If he had gone full-out, she would've died long before. But she was holding back too. The monster Abuto had told him about was still chained. Ah, well. Time to end this before he is mistaken for Umibouzo. He was also late for a meeting. _H__e would have to go all bloody. I wonder what people would say if I told them I was beat up by my own little sister_, He thought. But before he could do anything, the weight of his sister lifted off him. Kamui blinked surprised. Abuto was lifting Kagura up, his cape billowing out from behind him. "Enough, little girl. Choose one. Would you kill your own flesh and blood brother or make him bald like daddy? Or would you call peace and go..."

Abuto got punched in the face by two fists, one on each cheek. His nose started bleeding before he even hit started to tilt backwards. One fist by Kagura and the other by Kamui. "Shut up, old man!" Kagura shouted, "I was winning, you p*nis!"

"If you stop my fight another time I'll cut off your other arm, nanny!" Kamui said smiling, and the siblings flipped around, and simultaneously kicked him off the roof.

And this is why, as Okita was walking to work this morning, late for his patrol, was he squashed by a thirty-two year old yato with a mane of light-brown hair.

[End report]


	2. Chapter 2

Yamazaki was walking to the convenience store nearby while his partner got flattened by Abuto. He needed ammo for his gun. That meant anpans. He hoped they haven't sold out yet. His shift is with Okita and it's in the world-renown Kabuki district. If he wanted to survive, he'd better have plenty of anpans by his side. Otherwise, Kabuki district's insane inhabitants would kill him before Okita got to it. In fact, now that he thought about, he should buy two extra-large packs. One can go in the trunk of the police car, and the other one next to him as he drove. Then he can easily reach it if needed, with more for backup.

Yes, that's what he'll do. But Okita's two backup bazookas are in the trunk, and the extra-large bullets are taking up the entire interior of the car. The police car was a driving bomb. But at least Okita didn't bring his extra-large bazooka, the one with the long name that Yamazaki always forgot. It goes along the lines of "this-bazooka-is-only-for-killing-one-particular-yato-female-called-Kagura" or something like that. Okita was always stroking it and laughing evilly, saying from time to time that he itched to use it. And cutting cardboard outlines of a girl with buns on either side of her face and wearing a tight red dress, and then blasting it to pieces from fifty feet away for target practice.

Where was he going to put the anpan? This is a predicament. But, as Yamazaki looked over the police car, he had an idea. he was going to tell Okita about it, but he found him unconscious under a strange man. It was all Yamazaki could manage to fit Okita in as well, and so there really wasn't any space _in_ the police car.

This is why, when Yamazaki drove back to the Shinsengumi with the flattened Okita, he had two extra-large packs of anpan strapped to the top of the police car, making the Shinsengumi the laughing-stock of Kabuki district. And this is why Hijikata threw his biggest hissy fit yet and told Yamazaki to commit seppuku. And this is why Yamazaki lost his job.

So, this is why, when Kondou walked into the meeting room of the Shinsengumi, he saw this scene; every officer inside eating anpan, all the anpan that Yamazaki bought but could not eat because he got fired. Hijikata smearing his with mayonnaise, and expecting everyone else to do so as well. So, this is why the entirety of the Shinsengumi is at the hospital, one being covered in bruises and conked out, with a few cracked ribs, and the others suffering from stomach, liver, and bowel failure. Especially bowel failure. Every officer in the Shinsengumi except Hijikata, the cast-iron stomach when it came to mayo.

So this is why there was no one to stop them as Kamui and Kagura took their fight to the seaside cliffs. They clashed at one particular cliff (the one that Shinpachi met Kyubei at episode 202) and soon it became clear that the aim was to somehow throw the opponent into the swirling seas. They both had their umbrellas, but Kagura had lost her only ace; the sky had gone cloudy at the worst possible time.

Shinpachi watched as Kagura was repeatedly backed more and more closer to the edge, Kamui endlessly pelting her with a series of lightning fast hits that she could barely manage to counter. She then took a last-ditch attempt. Kagura leaped up from the edge of the cliff, jumped over Kamui, and grabbed Gintoki. Gintoki, who was before just calling the Shinsengumi to "get their ass here", but was repeatedly getting to an annoying Okita voice mail, was then dragged into the fight and used to land Kamui a good bash on the head. "Hey, oi,oi! I'm not a weapon-"

Kamui got bashed on the head again, and Gintoki got used as a weapon again. Then, Kagura tossed Gintoki over her shoulder and pounced on Kamui. Gintoki, who was unconscious and nose-bleeding before he even hit the ground, managed to use Shinpachi as a landing pillow. He got out with a minor concussion, but Shinpachi dislocated a shoulder.

Before Shinpachi fainted, he heard a beeping sound, and Okita's voice in his ear, from Gintoki's last call. "I am very sorry, but for the moment none of the Shinsengumi care enough to drag their ass here and get the phone. Please die after receiving this message, because if Matsudaira finds out that we're slacking on the job, the Shinsengumi would cease to exist, and I would find whoever told on us and make dango out of their eyeballs. If you do not have enough materials to kill yourself, then call this number, XXX-XXX-XXXX for poison or this number XXX-XXX-XXXX for a limited time offer on a gun, with a packet of bullets, for 6,000 yen. Thank you, and have a good day."

Shinpachi fainted.

Kamui, having run out of bullets to use on his umbrella, had thrown it aside to use both of his hands effectively. Now he can see that was a mistake. But, not so big of a mistake that would cost him this fight. Kagura had him pinned again. Now she can either punch him or tug on his hair again. Her umbrella had also been thrown aside, a big hole in it by Kamui's punch. She had no weapon but her fists and those cannot do much damage to the King of Yato. he can take anything she can dish out.

This is how the King of Yato first got kicked in the balls.

For a second Kamui saw stars, but that quickly cleared. He's gotten hit worse, just not at the nether areas. He can take it. Now, no holding back, time to end this and teach his brat a lesson. No more Mister nice Yato. At the corner of his eyes, Kamui saw a flash of silver. Where? How? Kamui jerked backward, tossing his sister off him. He got back just far enough to save his life, but not his hair.

So, this is how Kagura sliced off Kamui's hair flick with Gintoki's sword. All the color in Gintoki's face drained out. _What is with her and his hair? Is she trying to make him into a baldie like her dad? Is she into baldies?_

And in the second of confusion in the King of Yato's mind, she struck, sliding the sword between his ribs. Kamui's eyes opened in shock and his pupils dilated. _How did she? When did she? __Ah, she must have taken it off him as she bashed my head with his. That way my eyes got blocked up by Gintoki's perm and I would think she was weaponless. She had gotten better. I am still fighting her as if she was still four. _Kamui smiled.

Kagura stood five feet from her brother, holding the bloody sword. Kamui held his ribs. Then his face turned up and smiled. Faster than anyone can even see, even faster than most could think, he struck Kagura so hard she flew away to the edge of the cliff once again. Gintoki's blade got thrown to the side, nearly falling to the seas but for a hand that caught it.

"Police Force Shinsengumi, Vice-captain Hijikata. Please stop your fight. Calmly put your hands up." Shinpachi gawked at him. "Where the hell are the rest of the police force? Why are you the only one? Isn't Okita supposed to be here with you, too, trying to kill you?"

Hijikata's nose got hit by one of Kagura's hair clips. She unclipped the other one and threw it at Kamui. He dodged it. her hair, loose now, flew out on either side of her face. Her head was downcast, her eyes indiscernible by shadows.

She leaped to Kamui, but all he did was hold her off with one hand and punch her in the stomach with the other. Kagura spit out blood, choking. "Why do you fight me, little weakling? You know you will lose, so why do you attack me, little rabbit?" Kagura bit him on the shoulder. Kamui continued smiling. "You can call peace, you know. I come under a white flag. All I wanted to do was give you a bunch of flowers before going to a meeting. You are making me late."

Kagura grabbed his braid and yanked his head backward, nearly breaking his neck. She opened her mouth, probably to make some grand speech about how Yato blood can be fought back, but no words come out. Kamui had his hand around her neck, stopping her words. "I win this one, Kagura." He lifted her higher and prepared to chuck her into the crashing waves below. Kagura's foot swept up from below and connected with his face. They flipped around, almost too fast to see, each nursing their injuries and catching their breaths. Kamui was the first to regain battle position, but Kagura was the first to strike. They continued to exchange blows.

"Okay, that's enough. These two are uncontrollable. I have no choice. Bring out the Justaway Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon 9001! Second Edition!" A giant Justaway rolled out from wherever it was and the silver cannon erected from its base. Then, it blasted the two Yato over the cliff and into the sea. "Bulls-eye," Hijikata said in a bland voice. Gintoki went paler than he was before. _It was nice knowing you, Hijikata. I'll see you at the other side, _he thought.

Gintoki wondered if his status as the main character would keep him from being killed. Shinpachi, who had just got conscious from his faint, heard the explosion and started to draft his will, beginning with leaving his captaincy of the Otsuu fanclub to Taka-chin.

Therefore, this is how the Kabuki district local hospital managed to check in two yato teenagers in their records, the only ones ever, and both on the same day. The two yato, because of them being siblings, were put in the same room. That room had three beds. One by the younger sister, one by the older brother, and one by a Shinsengumi officer, by the name of Okita Sougo.


	3. Chapter 3

Gintoki walked through the shiny doors of the Kabuki district local hospital. Shinpachi was in the lobby. He caught sight of Gintoki. "Gin-san! You didn't tell me what room Kagura is in! I've been waiting in this lobby for half an hour!"

Gintoki looked at him with his dead-fish eyes. "I don't know." He picked his nose. Awkward pause. "Then how are we going to give her the gift?" Shinpachi asked. "What gift?" Gintoki asked. "The dango you bought her. As a matter of fact, where is it?" Another awkward pause. "I ate it."

"Gin-saaan!" The clock behind them chimed twelve o' clock. Gintoki looked at it. "We don't need to know what their room is. it's lunchtime. Find the nurse with a giant tray, and go the opposite direction of the nurse with the giant stack of plates." Shinpachi looked around. In fact, there was a bunch of nurses with huge stacks of dirty dishes and a nurse who was pushing a cart that was overflowing with plates of food. They followed the nurse, and she stopped at room 102 and went in. When she left, saying that it was her last shipment, Gintoki and Shinpachi looked inside. The cart was in the corner, its food untouched. It was labeled "Kagura". There was a stack of plates at the middle bed. Kamui was on that bed, destroying everything edible.

The bed closest to the door was empty. It had a tag on it, saying "Bathroom break". Kagura was sleeping in the bed farthest from the door, and next to the window. Shinpachi and Gintoki watched as Kamui polished off the rest of the food, stacked the plates up, and wiped his mouth. His hair flick was back, and you could see it droop as it surveyed the room. The damn monster was still hungry.

Gintoki and Shinpachi stepped back from the door. Now was not the time to enter the room. If they did, the hungry yato would label them as "potential food" and try to see if they tasted good. Sweat rolled down their face.

Kamui sighed, his bloated stomach disappearing in a second. He looked around, and caught his eye on something. Kagura's sleeping form in the corner. he walked to her bed, and sat down next to her, studying her curiously.

_Gah! Oh God, no! He's going to eat Kagura! _Shinpachi and Gintoki lost all color. They looked at each other. _You go first, Gintoki. You can be the big hero, I'll back you up. No, no, Shinpachi, you can be the hero this time. I'll let you. _They looked at each other and Gintoki said, "I didn't see anything." Shinpachi nodded. "Kagura's life is not in danger. She is not going to be eaten by her own brother. I didn't see anything."

Gintoki and Shinpachi turned around and started to walk towards the lobby, but stopped when they heard a weird noise. It sounded like an off-kilter flute. "Do-doo-do-doo-doo-doo..." Shinpachi and Gintoki's face went completely blank. They slowly turned around and walked back to the door. They peered in cautiously.

Kamui was walking his fingers up Kagura's back. His off-tune beat was in sync with his finger's movements. The fingers walked up Kagura's back. It reached her face. "Doo-do-do-doo-doo-poki!" At the _poki_ Kamui tapped Kagura's nose lightly.

Gintoki nearly ran into the room. Shinpachi and Gintoki held each other, tears running down their cheeks and bodies shaking as they held back their laughter. If Kamui got a single whiff of them outside the door, they'd be dead before they took a step, and Shinpachi would die a virgin.

But they were killing themselves trying not to laugh. But then they heard a _thump_. Shinpachi and Gintoki snapped up and stopped laughing. That Kamui! he pretended to have a sweet sister complex so Shinpachi and Gintoki would be fooled and they would leave so they would not see his true side! But this would not trick the one and a half men of the Yorozuya!(Shinpachi is only worth half a man). Any regular person would have politely left the siblings alone to have their private time, but not them! Kaguraaa! We'll avenge you! That thump must have been your head as it fell to the floor when we weren't looking!

Shinpachi and Gintoki raced back to the door. Gintoki got there first, but before he stormed in, he skidded to a stop. Shinpachi crashed into him and looked over his head. "What? Gin-san, what are you doing?"

Kamui was on Kagura's bed, and she had her arms around his neck.

And she was also choking him to death. Clearly, she was throttling him. However, her eyes are closed and her snores are still rhythmic. She was killing her own brother while asleep.

Shinpachi looked at Gintoki, deadpan. "I didn't see anything." He said. "Nobody is dying." Gintoki nodded, and said, "Kagura isn't killing her brother in there or anything. Just a normal hug. Everyone is safe. Hey, Shinpachi, I suddenly want to use the bathroom. It's in the lobby." Gintoki started down the hallway. "Wait," Shinpachi said,"I'll go too, Gin-san."

They went off to the bathroom.

Back in the hospital room, Kamui finally loosened Kagura's grip. He settled down, and fell asleep quickly, a nap after the big feast. They slept together like they used to, so long ago. Kamui dug his hands into her hair. Kagura shifted closer. Then her grip tightened and she started to strangle him again. Just like old times, but now she was stronger. _Gah! Leggo leggo leggo!_

Kamui smiled. Then he slept better than he had in a lifetime, with his sister trying kill him.

Shinpachi and Gintoki walked to the lobby, and started to the bathroom. Once they reached it, they went inside. Of the four stalls, three were broken, and one was occupied. Shinpachi stared in the mirror and washed his hands. Gintoki whistled and wondered that is Kamui died, would Kagura be the Queen of Yato? Then the door to the stall opened, and Okita walked out. Gintoki's face drained of color. Shinpachi's mirror broke.

"E-eh, Okita. H-hello, man. Why are y-you here?" Gintoki asked, shaking. Worse case scenario... "Nothing. Just this guy falls out of nowhere and tried to make a Sougo pancake. Name's Abuto, a yato. My next job is to catch him and sue him." Okita nonchalantly washed his hands in the sink. Gintoki and Shinpachi winced. Shinpachi's face was downcast, and his eyes were dark. "S-say, Okita. W-which room are you staying in?" Okita looked at him. "Why do you want to know?"

"N-no reason. We're just going home soon and we'll pass the Shinsengumi police station on the way back, so we can t-tell them. "

"You don't have to bother. They already came." Gintoki suddenly remembered that the bed that was empty in Kagura's room was next to a packet of anpans, a jug of mayonnaise, and a big bazooka, which was labeled something along the lines of "exclusive-use-only-" and "yato-female-kagura".

Sweat was rolling down Gintoki's face. Shinpachi could almost see the next day's paper; **Shinsengumi Officer and Yato Female Destroy Hospital**. "It's room 102," Okita said.

We're doomed.

"D-do you know who you're staying with?" Gintoki was clinging on a tiny strand. The hospital's continuation was hanging on this tiny strand. "No, actually. When I first woke up, both of them were asleep, and they were both covered by bandages and blankets." Shinpachi nearly wept in relief. By that one little chance.

"Hey, Okita, are you leaving now?"

"Yeah," Okita said. Shinpachi and Gintoki felt like they had just survived being chewed up by sharks because the rope that was hanging them over the sharks was just an inch too short for the sharks to reach. "But I have to get my stuff from my room." Shinpachi and Gintoki simultaneously got a nosebleed. "I-I'll get it for you, Okita!" Shinpachi ran out the bathroom door, but Gintoki quickly overtook him. Gintoki was laughing crazily like he always did when he was trying to convince himself that things aren't as bad as they were.

Sougo ran past Shinpachi and caught up with Gintoki. "Hey, weren't you going to use the bathroom?" "N-no, I'm good." Gintoki's face stretched in a what was supposed to be a smile. How is this guy hurt? He was running at full speed! Okita overtook Gintoki. He went into room 102.

Shinpachi and Gintoki ran out the lobby of the hospital screaming like bloody hell. They raced to the parking lot, grabbed Gintoki's motorcycle and drove off. They were fifty feet down the road when they heard the first ejection of the bazooka.


	4. Chapter 4

In that one second that it took for Okita to load, aim, and fire his bazooka, Kamui swiftly reached up and broke the curtain rack. When Okita fired, Kamui held up the curtain pole and smashed it against the bullet, making an explosion of small metal shards. Okita reloaded. Before he could fire, someone tried to sweep his feet out from below him, but Okita stepped aside, making him miss. Then someone sliced his bazooka in half down the middle with a katana.

Hijikata sprayed Okita's face with mayonnaise, from the jug that was formerly Okita's present. "What the f*ck are you trying to pull, idiot? Are you trying to get the entirety of the Shinsengumi to commit seppuku? No firing citizens or bystanders, fool!"

Okita wiped off the mayonnaise and took out a gun from _somewhere_ in his pants. "I'm not shooting at bystanders. That's the guy we'e been trying to catch for years, Kamui, the King of Yato, who has about five hundred people saying he either ate them out of their house, threatened to fry their balls, or stole the hearts of their wives. He has about twenty cases waiting for him to attend and more people have sued him than people that have sued me."

Dang, that's _a lot_ of suing if he got sued more than _Okita Sougo_.

Hijikata knocked his gun off aim. "You might hit the girl." Okita smiled evilly. "If I do, it's just an accident. She was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I had no choice." Then he straightened his gun, completely ignored Kamui, aimed at Kagura, and fired. "Oops," he said. "What the hell, b*stard? You definitely did that on purpose!" Hijikata ripped the gun out of Okita's hand and threw it down the hallway. "We may be trying to capture a criminal but you don't go killing people as well!" Okita ignored him and studied Kagura's sleeping figure. "She doesn't seem like I hit her. Damn, I missed." Before Hijikata, who was by now lifting him off the floor by his collar of his jacket, could punch him, they heard the sound of glass breaking.

Kamui stood on the windowsill, staring down at the busy street below. He turned around and grinned at the two police officers. He waved. Opening his umbrella, which was formerly hanging on the curtain rack, he said, "Tell the little brat that I had to go. Take good care of her, b*stards, or your testicles might just end up being mailed to you." Then he jumped off the sill.

Hijikata cursed. "Stay right here, Okita." He ran outside. "Kondou, catch the guy with the braid! No, not the Shogun, fool! Catch the redhead with the giant umbrella, the yato! Where is he heading? Kabuki district? Wait!" Hijikata's footsteps faded away.

So, this is how Okita was left in en empty room with the sleeping Kagura. He snickered. Then, from the depths of his jacket, he pulled out a marker labeled, "PERMANENT". Then, he climbed onto Kagura's bed.

Before he could draw her a mustache, Kagura suddenly awoke, from her instinct detecting a sadist around. She looked up at Sougo's evil face, and the marker in his hand. She punched him so hard he flew off in the distance, slamming into the wall. She got up from her bed, her thin hospital dress hanging around her knees. "Where's Kamui, Sadist?"

Okita wiped blood off of his mouth. "He left. Nobody can find him now, China." From the conversations from Okita's radio, nobody could find him anywhere. Kagura grabbed her umbrella. "I know where he is. You're going to be my cherry boy, Sadist. Take me to the Terminal." Okita laughed. "Even if he is at the Terminal, there is a hundred rockets going in and out, and five lobbies. How are you going to know which one he is in?"

Kagura tapped her nose and took out her hand from behind her back. There was a strip of cloth.

Abuto watched as his boss fidgeted around at the lobby. They were a day and a half late. But the meeting would wait. You always had to wait for the King of Yato. But the King of Yato's shirt was torn at one end. In the back, so Kamui didn't notice, but everyone else did but liked to live too much to comment. Abuto wondered where the strip of cloth went. Oh, well. The rocket was coming. Time to move it.

Abuto stood up and followed Kamui towards the rocket. Before they even took five steps, a tiny slip of a girl slammed into Kamui and tried to blast his head off with her umbrella. Kamui fell backwards, but didn't fall completely. His back was against the wall. "This fight isn't over yet, Kamui!" Kagura shouted into his ear. "It's not going to be ever over until I defeat you! It won't be over until you're old and bald like father! I can't defeat you now, and don't you dare die until I do! You'll live until I kill you, understand, idiot older brother? When you come to kill Gintoki, I'll be there to stop you, b*stard. So come back, and I'll be stronger."

Throughout all this, Abuto and Okita only saw the Kagura's back, and didn't know she was talking so they assumed the next thing a girl does when she pins a guy down and doesn't punch him.

Kagura let go of Kamui. She turned her back to Kamui and walked back to the patrol car. Sougo had his hand on the wheel, his knuckles white. They didn't say anything, and he started back to the hospital.

Kamui watched them drive away. "Brat. She doesn't have it in her to kill me. What makes her think she can?" Then he turned and lightly skipped to the rocket, smiling a bit brightly than usually and didn't even terrorizes whoever was piloting the rocket at all that much.

Okita drove over the road. Kagura, who was only wearing a thin hospital dress, suddenly realized how cold it was. Wind blasted her through the open window. Okita seemed to have no intention of closing the window. Kagura sneezed. Then, she felt the heavy weight of a Shinsengumi jacket. "Put in on. If Hijikata finds out Kamui slipped right out of my fingers, I'd lose my reputation. How could you get a cold if all the windows in the hospital are locked?"

Kagura slipped into the jacket. She sniffed it. "It smells wierd, Sadist." Okita ignored. "It's just sweat and my manliness." Kagura's eyes narrowed. "It smells like gunpowder, and your left pocket is ticking. It isn't a bomb, is it, Sadist? It is was, it'll blast me and you to hell."

Okita grinned and his face took on the look that he got when he was imagining ways to kill Hijikata. "Not if it's a small one."

"Okita Sougo you b*stard!"

KA~BOOM!


	5. Chapter 5

The day after Kagura got trolled by Okita, two officers at the Shinsengumi station got assigned one particular patrol car.

"Ah, so this is the famous Okita Sougo patrol car, eh?" Snickered the first police officer. "The one that got two extra-large stacks of anpan strapped on top of it? The one that is always stuffed full of bullets and bombs? Good god, this is a living legend." The second officer laughed. "Okita got tired of this one; he said it doesn't work right anymore. He got issued a new one today. Ah, this good ol' patrol car survived Okita Sougo. Man, this is special. Usually it's in two and a half pieces by three weeks." The two officers inspected it. "Hey, this window, it had a big hole in it. How did that happen?" The first officer asked. The second officers looked at it and shrugged. "Rumor says that Okita accidentally had a bomb turned on in his jacket when he gave it to a girl to wear."

The first officer scratched his head. "He's too good a fighter to do that. Everyone has their accidents, I suppose. What happened?"

"Well, the girl had this umbrella, and she threw the bomb up and pitched it right out the window." The second officer stuck his head in the door. "We better be careful using this car. Okita stores everything in this beat-up thing. For all we know we're sitting on dynamite. They say he had poison laced into the makeup compartment and the last female criminal used the lip gloss and nearly died."

"It smells like anpan in here," the first officer said. "Speaking of anpan, where is Yamazaki?" The second officer said, "oh, he's back. Of course he's back. Without him, who'd eat the anpan he bought? We need him, or else we'd all get bowel failure like last time."

The two officers climbed into the car. Just as they started to pull away, Okita walked out from the Shinsengumi station. He looked at the car, and the officers within. "Oi, Hijikata, are you in my old car?" Then he pressed a button on his phone, the one labeled "Die, Hijikata!", and the old patrol car exploded. The two officers went flying. Okita shaded his eyes and looked at them go. "Ah, dammit. Hijikata wasn't in this one. Sorry!" Then he turned around and went back into the Shinsengumi station.

The day after Shinpachi and Gintoki ran like bloody hell from the hospital, Shinpachi read the newspaper twice over but there was no mention of any destruction of hospitals.

"Gin-san, maybe we freaked out too much back then. You don't think maybe Okita didn't realize that Kagura was his roommate. Maybe Kamui's corpse was hiding her face so he just went in and went out." Gintoki picked his nose. He looked over at Shinpachi. "Then why did we hear a bazooka?"

"Maybe it was someone else," Shinpachi said. "No, it was definitely Sougo's. It sounded like Sougo Okita's type of bazooka shot." Gintoki flipped the page of his _Jump_. Shinpachi looked over at him and stared. "Every bazooka sounds the same, Gin-san."

"No. Not all bazookas sound as evil as Okita's."

The Yorozuya door opened. Kagura stepped in. Shinpachi and Gintoki looked at her, surprised. _She's alive?! _And she looks pretty good for someone who was shot by a bazooka. In fact, she looks like she usually did. Kagura looked back at Shinpachi and Gintoki. "I'm hungry. Get me some food, Glasses."

Shinpachi went off, too stunned to realize what he was called, and Gintoki went over to Kagura and poked her cheek, pinched it, and stretched it. _Not a ghost_, he thought. Kagura broke his wrist. _Definitely not a ghost_, he thought, then he fainted. Shinpachi came back to the room with a tray with tea. He saw Gintoki fallen on the floor and he screamed. "Gin-saaan! What happened?" _  
_

Kagura sat down at the sofa. "Sadaharu? Where is he? You didn't sell him off when I was gone, did you? By the way, aren't you drowning in debt from blasting out the door? Why aren't you working, you lazy butthole?"

Gintoki managed to get himself on the sofa. "Who blasted out the door, brat? If I remember it right it was you and your brother! Besides, it's not my fault no one is coming in here."

Sadaharu padded out from his bed under Kagura's room. He leaped on Kagura and tried to chew her to pieces. She tried to strangle him. "Good boy, Sadaharu!" Then, Sadaharu went over to Gintoki and bit on the wrist that Kagura had previously broken.

"GAAA~AAAH!"

(I am sorry that this chapter is so short. It's just a tie-it-up until I finally get around with the next chapter. Thank you for reading! More OkitaXKagura following around the corner!)


	6. Chapter 6

Kamui stared out the window of his rocketship. Abuto was standing next to him. Through all the stars, through the sparkling galaxies, Kamui can still see that one planet, and he can also see one particular girl on that planet, in his mind. Just that one little girl he remember playing with, so long ago, back when he hadn't killed and hadn't sinned. On that rainy planet.

"Ka-chan, Ka-chan! It's still raining outside! When are we going to play? I wanna play! I wanna go outside!"

"... Quiet. Mother's still sleeping." _So loud..._

"Ka-chaaan! I'm booored! I want papa to come back! I want mama to be happy 'gain!"

"... Heh. What's 'happy', Kagura?"

"Happy is when you smile, Ka-chan! Happy is when you don't fight with papa and mama is feeling good and papa comes home! Happy is when you laugh! Happy is when the corner of your mouth lifts up, like this!" Kagura uses both index fingers to poke Kamui's face and stretch his mouth up. She needs to climb on his lap to reach that.

"So 'happy' is when you smile, hm, Kagura? What is I smile while I kill people? What if I laugh while I fight? What would you do then, Kagura? Would that be 'happy'?"

"No! No! No! That's not happy, Kamui! That's... Happy... Happy is when you smile, but not the smile you have when you fight. Ka-chan, the 'happy' is the smile you have when... Wait here, Ka-chan!"

Kagura leaps off his chest, and runs out the door, into the pouring rain and completely forgetting her umbrella. Kamui curses and runs to the door; he waits for a minute, and nearly runs out until a tiny hand reached out of the fog and tugs on his pants.

"Don't you do that again, Kagura! You hear me?! You'll get lost in the fog!" Kamui wrapped his cape around his sister and lifted her up. Kagura wriggled around until she managed to free her hand from behind her. Then, she presented him with a flower, slightly crushed and wet. Kagura grinned up at Kamui, three teeth missing. "See, that's 'happy', Ka-chan. That smile on your face now is 'happy'."

Kamui rubbed his jaw. It was curving up. "What are you talking about, fool. I'm not smiling, idiot. I'm worried. If you catch a cold, mother will be sad and father will be mad. Don't do that again." He fluffed up her hair and held her small hand, rubbing it and warming it up.

"I won't catch a cold, Ka-chan! I have yato blood in me! I won't catch a cold, es-pe-cially if Ka-chan is there to keep me warm and safe!"

"..."

"Teehee! I used a vocabulary word, Ka-chan! Es-pe-cially! Es-pe-cially!"

"Just don't make me worry, Kagura."

"Okay, Ka-chan!"

But she didn't stop. Nearly every time it rained, she would just run recklessly outside and find the flowers and salvage them before they drowned in the pouring rain. Then she'd come home all covered in dirt and wet and smiling. And holding up a crumbled daisy or a zinnia or just something green. other times the rain would ruin it before she got home and she'd come home crying and sniffing and covered in petals and leaves.

Abuto looked out the window of the rocket ship, bored. His gaze flickered over the stars, and then to his boss. Then, Abuto was taken aback. Kamui was smiling, but not his regular, small and slightly fake smile. He was smiling a soft one, with his eyes faraway and his hands deep in his pockets.

Abuto nearly ran for cover. What sort of a smile is on Kamui's face? Is the world ending? Did someone die? Why is he smiling like that? Did he hit a billion-dollar idea on how to destroy the Milky Way? Abuto's temperature dropped ten degrees and his heartbeat jumped to a hundred and fifty a minute. Suddenly, Kamui's fist came out of nowhere and smashed into Abuto's face.

The pilot balked and went white. Abuto was knocked out cold. "W-what d-did you do th-that for, Kamui?"

Kamui looked over at the pilot sardonically. "I had a feeling I was being insulted."

Kagura looked through the window of the convenience store. Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Otae were among the shelves, buying _Jump_, toilet paper, and eggs, respectively. The rain pitter-pattered on the window. Kagura watched the tiny drops slide down the glass. She used to loathe the rain. It seemed to mock her, the race of the yato, forced to hide in the night or the rain. Who could never take the full hit of the sun. Who hide from the light, and cower from what nearly all of the other creatures embrace.

Kagura really didn't hate the rainy days. During the rainy days Kamui stayed home and didn't go out and fight. On rainy days sometimes Umibouzo would come home, and maybe her mother could go outside, without the sun the fragile mother could see a glimpse of the sky, even if it was stormy.

"Why is mama sick, Ka-chan?" Pitter-patter goes the rain.

"Nobody knows, Kagura." Pitter-patter goes the pain.

"Why don't they know, why don't the doctors know?" Splash-splash goes the footsteps.

"Yato blood is different, Kagura, they don't know what to do with it." The footsteps in the puddles.

"Why is our blood different, Ka-chan?" The heavy footsteps in the puddles.

"Because it's stronger, Kagura." The puddle's reflections.

"But if it's so strong why is mama sick?" The reflections of the coffin.

"Because... Because even the strongest of blood is weaker than death." The coffin that was carried by the heavy footsteps.

On that rainy day.

"Oi, China! Watch out, I might just accidentally blast you to hell with my bazooka!" Kagura immediately jumped out of her memories and prepared for a fight. That voice...

Sougo grinned, loaded the bazooka, and aimed... Only for it to be knocked out of his hand by Hijikata. "No shooting bystanders, Sougo. Besides, it's unfair to use a gun against an unarmed, harmless girl-"

Kagura opens her umbrella.

KA~CHINK- BOOM!

Okita and Hijikata sat next to each other at the hospital, Okita with a bandaged arm, and strip of cloth around his forehead, and a pad on his cheek, and Hijikata with a bandaged leg and a crutch.

"Unarmed and harmless, eh, Toshi?"

"You have my permission to kill her next time."


	7. Chapter 7

Okita Sougo stared at the ceiling. He didn't feel like sleeping. He dozed off on his shifts in the morning, so now he wasn't tired. Well, he can't complain about that to Hijikata, unless he wanted to be fired or punished for slacking off. Well, at least now he had the time to think. What should he do to China and Toshi next? Maybe he should put tariyaki sauce in Toshi's mayonnaise, or fiddle around with China's umbrella so it would backfire on her. Or he could switch the real umbrella with a fake one, and then shoot her. She'd lift that flimsy fake one and be blasted to the next century. Or he could put slices of pepper in Yamazaki's anpan. And then gift-wrap one and hand it to Toshi. Then maybe he won't be blamed.

Or he could make up a crime that made Toshi and Kagura into criminals- or just put Toshi into a bad light, and put the King of Yato after him. Something that will dirty Toshi's pristine reputation. But how to get them in that position? This is tricky, but it would be well worth it, if it worked. Okita snickered evilly, and the sound rebounded throughout the Shinsengumi station. Every officer sleeping there got the worst nightmares of their lifetime.

The next day, Kagura awoke to the sound of her door being open. "Uh? Shinpachi?" She rubbed her eyes and stared at the one who had awaken her. "Okita? What the hell are you doing?" Her foot swung out from behind her and would have slammed into his nose if he didn't catch it at the last second and by that leg, toss her over his shoulder and into Gintoki's room. "Get dressed, China. You're in for your interrogation for information about Kamui."

This is how Gintoki awoke to Kagura on top of him.

And this is why, when Shinpachi walked to the Yorozuya HQ, was he met with the police car driving off with Kagura in tow and Gintoki drinking strawberry milk shakily. "What happened?" Shinpachi asked, watching as Gintoki's glass of milk shook and spilled.

"I think I just got molested by a fourteen year old girl."

Sougo Okita drove one-handed, the other hand stroking his bazooka, chuckling evilly from time to time. Kagura was beginning to fear for her safety. She didn't have her umbrella because they would confiscate it and never give it back, so she left it back in the Yorozuya Odd Jobs. Now she was beginning to regret that. Okita is always way too eager to pull any type of trigger. Kagura stared out the window. This gave her bad memories. The last time she was in this position, Okita had thrown her a bomb. If he dared give her his jacket again, she'd make him eat it.

They arrived at the Shinsengumi station. Kagura practically jumped out the window. She slipped through the door, bashed up the guards, and reached Hijikata before he managed to take a step towards the patrol car. "Get me to the interrogation room." She said, and then ran off into the station. Hijikata watched her retreating back. "Good God, Sougo. What did you do to her? I have never seen a person more eager to be interrogated."

"Oh, nothing much, Toshi." Sougo then drove off to his next job. He got to the job, bashed up a criminal, and raced back to the station, way over the speed limit. If he was lucky, Kagura was still be in the interrogation room, right in the position he wanted her to be in. Then, he could go on with his plan. The trap he rigged in the interrogation room needed to be released.

He walked quickly to the interrogation room. He went in.

"Do you remember anything special about your brother? Like a weakness or an allergy?"

"No."

"Do you recall anything he told you that might have been important?"

"He said that policemen are always lying to you- is that important?"

"..."

Okita walked over to them, sat down next to Hijikata, and grinned innocently.

Kagura automatically grabbed between her knees, where her umbrella would have been if she brought it along. Hijikata blanched, stared at Okita's face, and gribbed his water bottle a little bit harder. Okita eased back into his chair. Now all he had to do was somehow maneuver himself to the interrogation lamp and knock it over. Then, the string at the back of the lamp would be released, starting a system of weights and pulleys over Kagura's head and ending behind her back. There, he had strung a hook that would, once the lamp was knocked over, shoot up violently, and rip Kagura's clothing to pieces.

The how would Hijikata resolve this situation? Okita would then leave under the disguise of getting clothing, but will instead inform everyone else that Hijikata was succumbing to his pedophile nature.

Okita reached over and brushed the lamp. But suddenly a silver perm popped up from under the table. The oil lamp connected with the fluffy hair. Gintoki screamed. The hair lit up on fire.

"What the f*ck are you doing here, b*stard?" Hijikata roared.

Gintoki ran back and forth, patting his hair violently. "Your captain is always stalking Otae and appearing from under the table, and I always wanted to know how he did it. How am I suppose to know that there was a secret passage from Shinpachi's table to this room? Who the f*ck even knocked over this lamp anyway? Why is the lamp even have oil on it? You guys are so outdated!"

"Hold still!" Hijikata grabbed his water bottle and squirted it contents over Gintoki's hair. Mayonnaise dripped down over Gintoki's forehead. "What the f*ck did you put on my precious hair? Who the f*ck even keeps mayonnaise in a water bottle, you damned mayo-fanatic!"

"He was drinking from that water bottle during the interrogation, in big gulps." Kagura was crouched in the corner of the room, hurling.

"I saw him drink greedily from that water bottle many times after practice. How can anyone eat something so fatty like it was water?" Okita crouched next to her, retching.

Hijikata looked over to them, his left eye twitching. "Idiots! You dare speak against mayonn-AAAISE!" He grabbed his wooden practice sword and ran over to bash them up. However, halfway there, he tripped over some random strings that somehow was strung across the room, and fell flat on his face. before he was able to get up and regain his lost dignity, a couple of weights fell down, bashing the back of his head dead-on.

He was unconscious by the time the last weight hurtled down. His hand went slack. With the weight of Hijikata on the strings, the hook on Kagura shot straight up. But instead of being at the her waist, it was at the base of her neck, and hooked onto a button. Kagura was pulled seven feet off the ground, being strangled by her own collar, which she gripped and struggled against.

Gintoki had run out to wash his hair.

So that left Kagura, unarmed and seven feet off the air, being strangled by her own dress, and Okita, seven feet below and unsheathing his sword.

"Would you like me to get you down, China?"


	8. Chapter 8

"Hell no!" Kagura struggled against her collar. She was beginning to turn blue. Okita sighed. "I offered. I guess I'd just have to say that I tried to help her but she refused it, so I had to respect her dying wishes and leave her to pass away peacefully."

"What the f*ck? You definitely rigged this trap, you sadist! You're even unsheathing your sword, b*stard!"

"Oh, this? I only took this out to cut the string strangling you, China!" Okita swished his katana back and forth through the air. "Yeah, right, and would have taken my head off with it by 'accident' as well, am I right, Sougo?" Kagura flailed her legs. _Where the hell is Gin-san? How much time does it take to wash his hair?_

Okita smiled. "Oh, not by accident, China." He stroked his blade, and then lifted his eyes to Kagura... only to be smashed in the face by her foot. Kagura had stripped off her Chinese dress, and managed to free herself. That must have taken talent, to undo those buttons without him realizing. While keeping him blinded with her foot, Kagura then flipped him around and propelled him straight to the wall. Okita heard her shift behind him. However, he knew every move she would make after that moment. With him out of the way, and presumed unconscious, she would immediately try to retrieve her clothing, like any regular naked girl. If he aimed just right, and threw his katana right at her at the right time, she would... AHA! Now!

He heard the dull 'splack' of his katana hitting something, and something dripping. He turned around. Kagura's dress was still hanging on a string at the corner of the room, but she wasn't. Instead, Kagura was standing over Hijikata, evidently trying to revive him with mayonnaise, but the mayonnaise bottle she held was split right through the middle, and dripped over her... Pajamas.

Okita looked at her from head to toe. "Aren't you supposed to be naked?" Kagura looked down at her mayonnaise-soaked pink shorts and bunny shirt. "You threw me into Gin-sans room this morning remember and told me to dress. I didn't have any time to strip and dress, so I just pulled on whatever was availiable."

Okita felt a little disappointed a for some absurd reason. But that fleeting moment of confusion was cut short as Kagura took a look at the katana that was placed at her feet. "Oi, Okita. That's one ni-i-ice sword you got there." Kagura picked it up and wiped it on Hijikata's back. The blade gleamed. She grinned. Okita looked at the grin and the tilting of her eyes. It looked a lot like the expression he took when Hijikata's back is turned.

Okita stood up and brushed himself off calmly. He shook out his jacket and braced himself. Kagura struck a cool pose with the katana. Then she took a lightning fast leap forward and... Slipped on the dropped half of the chopped mayonnaise bottle, slipping straight and slamming into Okita, giving him a nosebleed and body slam at the same time- and throwing the mayonnaise bottle half through the air, to land on...

Gintoki's hair. Again.

Gintoki's dead-eyes shifted upwards slowly. Mayonnaise dripped down. He shut the door that he just opened. His footsteps faded in the distance.

Kagura and Okita looked at each other, eyes three inches apart. Their noses touching. Kagura blinked. She was lying on her back and Okita was on top of her. If anyone came in at this moment, she'd never live it down. But they weren't alone. Her back was supposed to be touching the floor, but the floor was _moving_.

"Urf," Hijikata said.

Moment ruined, mayo-style. In a heartbeat Kagura and Okita were on the two sides of the room, preparing for battle. Hijikata stood up, swaying slightly and leaning on the wall heavily. "Oi, what is happening. No fighting here, kids-"

Hijikata, the vice-captain of the Shinsengumi, was pitched up in the air by Kagura and punched in the cheek by Sougo. The momentum shot him through the door with an almighty crash. Kagura and Okita gave him a fleeting look and then launched their attack on each other. Gintoki opened the other half of the door (or what remained of it), and stepped in the room. He sidestepped Kagura's punch, dodged Okita's flying swipe, and crawled under the table. Kagura and Okita barely heard the trapdoor closing. If they so much as got distracted for a moment the opponent would take advantage of that in two blinks.

Kagura punched Okita, and Okita stopped that punch by grabbing that wrist. At that exact moment, Hijikata rose out of the ashes and handcuffed them together. Kagura took one look at it and smashed it to pieces with her fist. Then she and Okita sent Hijikata flying.

Kagura crouched under Okita and swept his feet out from under him. He dropped like stone but stopped it by sending out his hand and back-flipping over the table and landing in the distance. Kagura raced there, leaped over the table, and punched Okita with her right hand, only for his katana to slice the right arm.

At that moment, Hijikata handcuffed Kagura's left hand and Okita's right hand together with an extremely thick set of handcuffs. The handcuff was labeled "Unbreakable. Exclusive use, for Yato or Experienced Sadists Only". Kagura and Okita snapped the chain. Kagura smashed her handcuff through the wall of the room, creating a hole and breaking her side of the handcuffs. Okita's katana sliced his handcuff to pieces.

Hijikata was sent flying yet again.

Okita grabbed Kagura's wrist. Kagura tried to punch him with the other hand, but he dropped his katana and grabbed that wrist as well. Kagura slammed her head forward and gave him another nosebleed but his grip didn't loosen. Then she took out his balls. On that moment his grip loosen just a tiny bit- but that was enough. Kagura took back her hand- and was going to punch him in the face when they heard a _click_.

They look at their left hands. They were interlocked with a handcuff so heavy Kagura and Okita both could not lift it. It was labeled, "For giant man-eating penguins."

They keeled over from the weight. Grunting, they looked up at the face they had punched so many times. Hijikata grinned down at them. "Kagura and Okita Sougo, you are charged with the destruction of this room and the fouling of... MAYONN-AISE!"

Kagura looked at Hijikata with bored eyes. "What's wrong with your boss, Sougo?"

Okita looked at Hijikata with uninterested eyes. "I think the mayonnaise went and clogged up that brain."

Hijikata punched Okita and tugged on Kagura's cheek with his other hand. "Did you rehearse that, brats?"

He let them go. "Oh, well. We'll tack this on your paycheck, Okita. But you two still have to go through the court case." Kagura rolled her eyes and Okita sighed. "Yeah, yeah, Hijikata. Let us off this handcuff and we'll go and get this over with."

Hijikata grinned evilly. "Oh, not just yet squirts. We're very busy right now you know, I'll just throw you down into the jail for a few weeks or a few months... Or a few years until we find time to deal with some brats."

Kagura nodded. "Yeah, yeah. Gin-san will definitely get me out in a week. Either him or my papa. Now unhandcuff me from the sadist."

Okita nodded. "You better not let us starve down there, Toshi."

Hijikata chuckled. "Oh, but how can I trust two bloodthirsty little sadists? To be on the safe side we shouldn't take off the handcuff or else you'll just beat me up and take off. I'll just throw you too in the same cell."

Kagura and Okita looked at each other in shock and disbelief. Hijikata's smile grew wider.

"Hijikata you b*stard!"

LATER~

"Hey, China, could I take a dump here?"

EVEN LATER~

"Hey guys, it's Yamazaki. I heard you destroyed the interrogation room. Here, dinner." Two packets of anpan hit the floor.

"Like hell we're gonna eat that."

EVEN LATER~

"Dang, I wish I had my permanent marker."

EVEN LATER~

"Oi, Sadist, I need to take a piss."

"Hold it in."

"I can't."

"Hey, hey. I still have yesterday's dump in my bowels. You can hold it in until they let us out to take a bath."

"You haven't pooped yet? I thought you did. You smell like it. Must be my imagination."

A LONG LONG TIME LATER~

"Oi, I just found a tiny bit of time in my schedule to let you guys out."

"About time, Toshi."

"I know, right. That dump came out hours ago."


	9. Chapter 9

Kagura was sitting at her usual place on her park bench when her phone rang the beeping tone that meant she had a text message... Kagura looked at it, sucking on her sukonbu. Who was it? No one ever gave her texts. She flipped it open and scrolled to the text messages. There was only one entry, from an unknown caller ID.

^kamui is in great danger. come to airport 079-3451, in galaxy 0-X12 if you want to save him.^, it read.

Kagura looked at it blankly.

^I'm broke. If you want me to come, you gotta give me plane tickets.^, she typed and sent. Kagura closed her phone, put it in her pocket, looked at the sky, and saw a cloud that looked like it might have Laputa in it, opened her umbrella, and forgot completely about the message.

Three days later Kagura was at the Yorozuya HQ while Shinpachi flipped through their mail. "Bills, pachinko debts, mortgage, motorcycle repairs, rent, oh, Kagura! This is for you." He tossed her an envelope. Kagura looked at it, surprised. She tore it open. It read, "Umibouzo is in great danger. If you do not come to airport 079-3451 at galaxy 0-X12, he will die. Use these." In the envelope, there was three rocket tickets to 079-3451.

Kagura looked at the time. "Shinpachi, when does the sunday shows come on?" Shinpachi sighed. "It'll be on in fifteen minutes, Kagura." Kagura scratched her head. "Do you think I can go and save Umibouzo and come back in time for the shows?" Shinpachi looked at her curiously. "No, what sort of a stupid question is that? Why?" Kagura looked at the envelope. "No reason." She stuffed the papers into her pocket. "I guess I won't go, then. If I go, I'll miss _Dragon Ball Specials_."

That night, Kagura and Gintoki was asleep in the Yorozuya HQ. Shinpachi was back at his dojo. A shadow crept into Kagura's room and opened the door slowly. Kagura shifted, and the shadow started to sweat, but all she did was shift and turn around. The shadow waved to some other shadows behind him. The door of the Yorozuya had been broken open. One of the shadows carried a giant case. The first shadow opened the case. In that case, there was only one huge needle, and it was half full of a purple fluid labeled, "Undiluted Sleeping Meds".

They stabbed Sadaharu, and shot him full of it before he was able to make a sound. Sadaharu immediately slumped and passed out, after waking for only a second from the pain of the prick. The shadows then dragged him out the door, and shut the door behind them. They, with all their combined effort, picked up the giant dog and put him in a cage in a truck. The shadows' knees nearly buckled under the weight of the heavy dog. "Dammit, this is one fat dog." Panting, all the shadows boarded the truck.

As they drove away, the shadows received a radio call. The driver picked it up and pressed "Broadcast." They heard static for a moment, but then a voice appeared. "Did you kidnap the dog?"

"Affirmative."

"Good. She doesn't give a shit about her brother or her father but she'd come running for that damn dog, I promise you. Once that happens, Kamui would not be far behind. They are on the tips of my hands! Ahahaha... Ahem. Good. Your pay will be tripled from here on out."

The shadows high-fived each other. The truck drove off through the streets, and towards the Terminal.

Kagura woke up in the morning and immediately knew something was wrong. The slumbering form of a giant dog that usually was under her was gone and she woke up cold. She jumped up, saw the empty bed, and ran into Gintoki's room, jumping on top of him and pulling his hair. "Sadaharu is gone! He's been kidnapped! We have to save him!"

Gintoki rubbed his tired eyes and winced from his hangover, his headache, and the awful smell of his own breath. "How are you so sure? For all you know he's gone off to do whatever a male dog in his prime does." Kagura grabbed his collar and nearly strangled him as she dragged him out into the living room. On the wall, it said, "The dog is in my hands. Use your plane tickets to save him."

Gintoki scratched his hair. "What plane tickets?"

They heard footsteps. Shinpachi opened the door to the Yorozuya. "Hey, the lock's open, no, broken... And you guys are awake already, what's happening? Is the world ending?" He walked in and stared at the black paint scrawled across the wall. Kagura took out her phone and the crumpled papers. Gintoki and Shinpachi stared at them, losing their color.

"So you're saying that they sent you a text saying your brother is in danger, and another one saying that your father might be dying, but you didn't go because you didn't have money and you wanted to see the Sunday shows?"

"Uh huh."

"Uh, Gin-san. This rocket ticket expires in thirty minutes. The rocket is going to be launched in thirty-five minutes."

"What?! Shit!" Kagura jumped up and leaped out the window, grabbing her dress and umbrella.

Gintoki and Shinpachi jumped onto the scooter, and Kagura sat in a small basket tied to the back of the scooter, coughing at the exhaust. "Sadaharu! I'm coming to save you!" She said dramatically. The engine coughed and sputtered. Gintoki ran over a puddle at high speed, splattered Kagura all over. "Watch where the f*ck you're going, fool! I was making a dramatic line there!"

At lobby 079-3451, Kagura, Gintoki and Shinpachi sat in the waiting section, looking around for a big white dog and someone suspicious. "Who would go so far as to kidnap a big-ass dog? What do they want? If it's a ransom, I'm not paying it." Gintoki said. Kagura felt uneasy. The workers of the lobby had taken away her umbrella, saying that she will get it back as soon as she boarded a plane to go back to Edo. She felt empty without it.

Kagura fidgeted impatiently. Then, she heard an all-too-familiar voice. "What are you doing here, brat," and a hand reached down and pulled her from her seat. Kamui. Kagura's fist punched him in the nose, and flipped him around, pinning him down onto the sofa. "Give me back Sadaharu, you b*stard!" She yelled. She punched him with both fists on the chest and yanked his braid before he could even blink. But the next time she pulled back her fist, he caught it and her other one, and held her back.

Behind the two siblings, Gintoki and Shinpachi explained the situation to Abuto.

"Sadaharu? The rabbit?" Kamui jerked back as Kagura smashed her head into his chest. He stood up, holding his feisty little sister away at arm's length and avoiding her kicks without even looking at her once. He was smiling. He grabbed Kagura by her ankles and shook her upside down. Her phone and the letter fell out of her pocket, and landed on the shiny lobby floor. Kagura swung herself over to him and tried to punch him in the crotch but all he did was flip her right side up and throw her over his shoulder.

Kagura snarled and jumped on his back, but she got tangled in his cape, so her hits didn't shake Kamui one bit. He ignored her.

Seconds later, they were sitting opposite each other, Gintoki and Shinpachi and Kagura on one chair and Abuto and Kamui on the other side of the table. Abuto inspected the letter, while Kagura reluctantly let Kamui have her phone. Kamui looked at the text message and the reply. His eyes narrowed and his smile flickered for a bit. The phone screen cracked sharply. Kagura snarled at him and snatched her phone back. Kamui smiled innocently as if he didn't just find out his sister didn't give a f*ck about whether he lived or died.

Shinpachi and Gintoki's blood froze, and Abuto's movements were more reserved, but Kagura didn't react to the tense atmosphere and continued to interrogate her brother on everything he was doing. "What were you doing last night?" Kamui looked over at her and said, "At 11:48 I was at lobby 90-476 and I was taking a dump."

Kagura's eyes narrowed. "Do you have any proof of that? Do you have video-clips?"

"Of me taking a dump?" Kamui sighed. "I didn't take your precious Sadaharu, Kagura. There are video tapes of the security cameras outside the bathroom at lobby 90-476. You can see those. I'll be there, going in and out."

Kagura's eyes narrowed even more. "What did you do afterward?"

"I went into the cafeteria. I ate a snack. You can see the receipt. Abuto has it." Abuto nodded, and pulled out a strip of paper out of his pocket. And continued to pull, and pull... And pull. They watched as he continued to pull the never-ending strip of paper out of his pocket. He kept pulling. And pulling. A wandering lobby maid came and started to roll it up because people were tripping over it. Abuto continued to pull the long-ass receipt out of his pocket. _Just how much space does he have in the pocket anyway?_

When it finally came to an end, they had a huge rolled up receipt, and in tiny letters at the very end, it said, "Paid in full by Kamui, small-midnight-snack, at 2:38 a.m. Thank you for eating us out of our house. Don't ever come again, you damn monster. Signed, Head Chef."

Small. Midnight. Snack.

Gintoki nudged Shinpachi. _Whoever kidnapped Sadaharu better get his ass here fast or we'll be eaten by a male yato for breakfast._

Shinpachi's glasses gleamed. _Yeah, we gotta get out of here. Sahadaru's kidnapper, please come save us! Where are you? Just come and demand the damn ransom, already!_

"Oi, Gintoki, what do you have on your back?" Gintoki picked his nose. "Eh?" He said. He turned around, and picked up a slip of paper that had been taped to his back. Kagura stood up, knocking over the table and squashing Abuto, but not Kamui who moved out at the last second. "Who was the last person who touched you, Gintoki?" Gintoki rubbed his head. "Well, the maid that came here before..."

Kagura looked around, but Shinpachi had beat her to it. "I'll ask around. Read the paper, Kagura!" He ran off.

Gintoki read what was on the paper. It said, "Kick me." Gintoki crumpled it up."Wait, wait!" Kagura grabbed it from his hand and smoothed it out. She flipped it over. It said, "meet us at the basement."

Shinpachi came running back right then, breathless. "T-the maid wasn't hired by the staff here. She left just after she came her to clean up. They found this maid outfit in the closet."

Shinpachi was lifted off the floor by Kagura. Her hand was gripping his collar tightly. "Where is the door to the basement?" Shinpachi's feet flailed. "It's to the left, next to the girl's bathroom." Kagura let him drop, and then she ran off. Kamui watched her go. Gintoki looked at him. "Aren't you going to help her?" Kamui shrugged, his hair flick bobbing up and down. "That's what they want, isn't it? If I go they'll try everything to capture me."

Kamui stood up. "Well, they can sure as hell try."

Kagura raced to the basement and bashed the lock open. She ran blindly down the stairs. She slipped on something wet and fell hard. She waved her hands around. Cobwebs stuck to her face. _Sadaharu, don't you dare die_, she thought. _You're the only one. The only one I had and didn't accidentally kill. _She stood up and opened her eyes. Then she started to run down the stairs. _If they f*cking hurt a single tuft of fur on Sadaharu, I'll kill the damn monsters!_

She finally reached the basement, the big expansion was empty. there was no one there. The dim lights that hung overhead swayed to and fro. She heard steps behind her. She turned around and punched whoever it was as hard as she could.

So, Gintoki got punched full-up on the face and conked out. His last thought was, _ah, so that;s why he let me go first_. Kamui stepped out from behind him. Kagura nearly threw him a punch too but he stopped her hand. "I didn't come to fight with you, brat. These guys captured the dog to get me." He turned to corner, where a thin outline of a trapdoor showed, where Kagura didn't even notice, but Kamui knew was there in an instant. "Come out now, b*stards, or I'll go in and chop out all your livers, fry 'em, and eat them for breakfast. I'm hungry."

The trapdoor swung open. "Ah, so you noticed the trapdoor, hm? That takes an experienced fighter."

The person walked out into the light. Kagura stared in shock but Kamui didn't even blink.

"So, China, you finally fell for my trap."


	10. Chapter 10

Okita Sougo grinned at Kagura and lifted his bazooka. Before he could shoot, Hijikata appeared from behind him and cuffed him on the side of his head. "This is a peaceful meeting. We are supposed to get them to come _willingly_ if possible." Kamui smashed his fist into Hijikata's nose and slammed him into the wall. "Impossible. Sorry, but my reputation will be ruined if I get caught by the _Shinsengumi_."

A shadow moved in the back. "What do you mean, Kamui? It is an honor to be captured by the Shinseng-"

Sadaharu jumped out from the trapdoor and bit down over Kondou's face. Blood ran down his neck. A thick chain hung around Sadaharu's neck, and two officers were trying to restrain him, but they were not making any difference. Kagura immediately started for Sadaharu, but Okita unsheathed his katana and swiped at her. She was forced to step back or be sliced to ribbons.

One of the officers cursed and took out a gun. "Kondou! Hold on! And stop moving!" He aimed, and then fired. A tranquilizer dart fired out of the muzzle and dug deep into Sadaharu's fur. Sadaharu yelped in pain, and then started to sway. From Kagura's point of view, it looked like Sadaharu just got shot, because Kondou's blood had dripped down onto his fur.

Kagura snapped.

She jumped up into the hair, slammed Okita into the wall with both her feet, and ripped his katana off his hands by the blade. Her blood dripped down her fingers, but she didn't give a shit. She jumped up in the air again, ready to deliver a devastating blow to the man who shot her beloved dog, her hands over her head, holding the katana high. She brought the blade slicing down. Only to be stopped by one man who had just woken from unconsciousness by instinct.

Gintoki barreled into Kagura, knocking the katana out of her hands and into the shadows, and restrained her, no matter how much she bit and struggled against him. "Brat, don't interfere with your brother's fight. Your dog isn't dead, Kagura! That damned piss-machine won't just die from one goddamned shot, goddamnit! He better not, after all the goddamned food I've fed him and all the goddamned walks I've taken him to!"

Sure enough, Sadaharu was just slightly sleepy. He yawned once, then re-closed his mouth over Kondou's head with a nasty _crunch_.

Kamui, grinning like a maniac, flew like a whirlwind, slashing with swords he stole off of other officers and jumping off walls to smash two policemen's heads straight into and through the wall. In a few seconds all battle was over. Okita lay in the corner, where Kagura's two-foot smash had put him unconscious. Kondou had fainted from loss of blood. Kamui had defeated the rest on his own.

Kagura slumped in Gintoki's arms. "Kagura? Kagura!" He shook her. Kamui looked over to them. "Don't worry about. She's done fighting that blood. It took a lot out of her. It rose up so high and she had to push it down so fast. I'm amazed she's still alive." Kamui turned around and picked up the dozing Sadaharu like he was still a small puppy.

"No, that's not true," Gintoki said. "You aren't amazed that she's still alive, right? You never for a second even doubted her, or you would have let her fight her blood out until it was exhausted and she collapsed. You knew she would make it through without fighting it out, am I right?"

Kamui didn't look at him. He carried Sadaharu up the stairs. "She won't stay asleep for long, so you'd better get her home by then. She's going to wake up in a soft bed, you understand? Or I'll sell Sakata organs over the internet and tell them to collect it themselves, you understand?" Kamui left. What nobody saw that day was his face. By the time he reached Abuto and Shinpachi (who were guarding the door), he had his happy smile on already. Nobody saw that face he had when he turned from Sakata.

I won't describe it to you, but you can see it, can't you, hm?

Kagura woke up from her deep sleep. She felt incredibly groggy and could barely move. "Urg..." She said. She cracked open one eyelid. Sunlight poured into the room, giving her a headache. But she was still glad the window was open. The sun warmed her face. Then her skin started to get dry. You know, this isn't such a bad way to die, in a big comfortable bed, with the sunlight on her-

"Kagura! Why didn't you call? Gah! The sunlight! I'm sorry I left the window open!" Shinpachi ran in, and drew the shades. "Kagura, you're awake! Everyone was so worried. Gintoki came out with you in his arms and Abuto froze and nearly ran away from Kamui, but Kamui just smiled and punched him and dragged him away from the airport. You slept through the entire ride home. It was amazing, you should have seen all those stars. First class view is so much better than thrid-class views. It was so nice of Abuto the pay for our trip back here..."

Kagura lifted herself up and Shinpachi helped her prop up with a pillow. "Where is Sadaharu?" As if on cue, Sadaharu arfed and padded into the room, licked Kagura's face all over. Kagura chuckled and bashed him on the back of his head. "Don't you make me worry again, you poop-ejector!" Sadaharu huffed happily, and ejected neatly a round piece of dung.

Gintoki appeared from the doorway, scratching his hair. His dead fish eyes looked Kagura over. "You're better now, aren't you, you are better now, aren't you?" Kagura looked at him, surprised. "Were you worried?"

Gintoki's dead fish eyes somehow drooped even more and got ten times more annoying. "No, it's just that you slept in my bed and I had to sleep in yours, over your slobbering dog. When are you going to move back into your own room?"

Kagura slammed her umbrella (which was by her bed) into Gintoki's face. "Goddamnit, butthole! Show some compassion for the deathly sick, you b*stard!" And then she proceeded to bash him up. Shinpachi watched as she whacked Gintoki with her umbrella.

"So that's deathly sick, eh?"

Kamui walked along the dead, gray and black streets of what used to be the most prosperous city in three galaxies. Thundering clouds boomed overhead. Abuto followed him with his umbrella opened. Kamui walked the streets he knew so well. That stair case. The time she found mushrooms. The time she found a 100-yen coin. The time she got a bunch of perfect forget-me-nots. The rain pitter-pattered down. Kamui had his umbrella, but he didn't open it. He turned a corner and walked into a park. He then strode down the road to a sectioned off part of the park. He passed a sign.

"Yato Cemetery", it said.

The cemetery was pretty small. Most yato die in battle, so most of them don't make it to the grave. Only a marked few had their ceremonies and coffins. Kamui walked down a road, to a gravestone hidden under a willow tree. Kamui stood outside the hangings of the leaves. He could not make out the words on the gravestone, but he knew the words anyways. He lifted his hand and pushed the leaves out of his way and knew he would stare down at a small marble gravestone, on a patch of bare dirt.

He saw a small, blooming field of flowers. _How?_, he thought, surprised. Kagura. She did spend a lot of time alone after her mother's death. And her handful of dirt that she threw onto the coffin was speckled. When she knelt and prayed in from of the gravestone... That sneaky little brat. The willow tree block most of the water, so the flowers didn't drown. The marigolds shone and the forget-me-nots would open soon. The zinnias were not big, but they were brightly colored. Daises speckled the small flower patch at random.

Kamui looked at them. "What am I doing here?" He asked himself. He hasn't been here since he first found out. That was two weeks after she died and the funeral was held. He had to skip the funeral or there would have been another coffin needed. Why did he come back? _Actually..._

Kamui pulled out a tiny little paper packet out of his cloak. "I guess my little sister beat me to it, hm, mother?" Kamui ripped the packet in half and threw the little seeds around. Those were supposed to be grown by his gardener and sent to Kagura. But she wouldn't have liked it, anyway. She was never the type to like roses.

Did _he_ know about this? He did. Umibouzo didn't know it, but Kamui knew that he came back every day on _that day_ and would just walk straight to the cemetery. "Damn weakling," Kamui said, not knowing if he was insulting himself or his sister, or his father, and walked out of the cemetery, silently going back to his waiting spaceship. "The clan Yato is supposed to be killers, not gardeners." He strode pass Abuto, calmly.

Then he suddenly snapped, ordering Abuto, "Abuto, the next time I come here, bring a bulldozer and..." Kamui trailed off, his initially harsh voice lowering in coldness.

Abuto waited. "A bulldozer and what, captain?"

"Compost. The next time I come, remind me to bring compost."

He didn't say another word to anyone that whole day. He didn't even complain about the food, although he ate just as much as he usually did.

Okita lay on his bed at the Shinsengumi station. He had a thick bandage around his head. This time, Kamui might have slipped through their fingers, but then again Okita had known he would. Okita would have been disappointed in Kamui if he didn't escape. But all was not for naught. Okita now knows the true extent of Kamui's power, and his favorite moves. He also knows that Kamui cares for that girl. This will be useful. Very useful.

"Kamui, you may have gotten away this time, but I'll catch you next time, b*stard!"

In the meantime, he'll just practice bazooka-shooting at Hijikata and Kagura-shaped cutouts. He seemed to 'accidentally' miss more times now, and they just end up 'accidentally' hit Toshi or some little redhead girl. Man, did he need practice.

Not that the 'accidents' are going to stop, though.

* * *

Author's note; I'm sorry that this chapter was so serious! The next chapter will be funnier (or not) I promise! I'm taking a liberty here with the gravestone scene, so if Sorachi ever gets his ass around making Kagura's mother, I'm sorry in advance if it doesn't fit with later episodes or chapters. I'm sorry this took so long to make and publish (the others took a day or two) but the thing is the others were more light and easy to make and already planned out by the time I typed them up, but this chapter was all thick and muddy and I'm not sure if I portrayed the characters right. Thank you for reading, this is NOT the last chapter, and please review! I'm serious! This story had over a thousand viewers in five days!How? But anyways, THANK YOU ALL! I finally made it to the tenth chapter! Yeah! Thank you for reading! Thank you! (TT^TT)/ Thanks for all the reviews! I love you all!


	11. Chapter 11

This is a special chapter, something that I really really want to happen in the real thing but never did (yet!). *sniff*

Anyways thank you all who reviewed! Thank you! It was so heartwarming and fun and just absolutely-amazing-and-wonderful reading your reviews! You put me in Bubbleland for a whole day!

Thanks to all who read my fanfiction too! That alone is good enough!

* * *

Kastura stood outside the Yorozuya HQ, his hand raised in the action of knocking. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn't rap his hand against the wooden frame. The last time he had knocked on this door a giant dog and went and gone and tried to eat him. To say the least, he didn't want to knock on that door ever again. But the dog sure was cute...

Not when you're on the inside of his mouth, he isn't.

Maybe Sadaharu would like another belly-rub? Well, then he wouldn't keep him waiting! Katsura knocked enthusiastically, ready to vandalize a giant white dog's furry stomach if given half the chance. The door opened, and before he could step out of the way, Otae smashed a bowl of omelets into his face with both hands, giving him a nosebleed. She looked up. "Oh! I'm so sorry! I thought you were the stalker, Kondou!"

The bowl fell off Katsura's face and clattered on the floor. His face was deadpan. Otae picked it up. "I'm so sorry! Please, come in- wait! Where are you going?" Katsura was walking down the street, burnt-black omelets and blood staining his face. He walked until he hit the end of the street, then turned the corner. He walked along that street until he saw a familiar small noodle shop. He went in.

"Good god, what happened to you? Here, sit down! I'll get a towel. Was it the Shinsengumi? Do you need to go upstairs and hide?" Ikumastu asked. Katsura wiped the crisp black omelet and blood off his face. "No, they're not chasing me. I just had this horrible taste in my mouth, from that ashy stuff, and I needed to wash it out, so I came here. Ikumastu-chan, one bowl of soba, please." Kastura picked up a pair of chopsticks and got whacked by a spatula on the left side of his face. "Don't call me Ikumastu-chan."

After eating her special, Katsura forgot completely why he even went to the Yorozuya HQ. It was this piece of mail that someone dropped in his mail by accident. It was mailed to the Yorozuya, and it had a note on it. It said, "to china, with love".

When he got home, Katsura took off his outer layer, with the package in its left pocket, and that was what saved him when the package exploded.

The next day Hijikata sat reading the newspaper, cross-legged on top of a mat in the meeting room. Okita brushed his teeth loudly next to him. Sougo pretended not to be interested, but his eyes continually slid over to the newspaper and searched it for the words he wanted to see. Hijkata abruptly folded the newspaper and threw it aside. "Meeting can begin now. I have something to discuss, and Okita quit that annoying brushing for a second." Surprisingly, Okita actually listened. For once in his life, Okita wanted to see what Hijikata had to say.

"There has been another Jouishishi attack, and a bombing near the streets of the Kabuki district." Okita started to grin.

"Next to the park, and between the cafe and the bookshop. Opposite of the dango shop." Okita stopped smiling for a moment. Was the Yorozuya next to a cafe or a bookshop?

"It was a house owned by a man called Papa Zurao, but no one has seen him since the bomb went off, although someone has seen an injured man enter the soba restaurant nearby, but the owner of the shop says that she didn't see anyone."

Okita gritted his teeth. _How did Kagura manage to get the bomb to four blocks away? _Is yato hearing so good that she could hear the ticking of a bomb through three layers of thick cotton?_ Does she hate him so much that she wouldn't even dare touch the damned package?_ It was rigged to blow as soon as she opened the last layer of cloth, but if not then the timer would set it off. _If... How..._

Dammit. Oh, well, next time he'll just send her poisoned chocolates for Valentine's day. Without his name on it. Sure she would eat that without thinking twice? He'll buy good chocolates too, and shoot them full of the most potent poisons. _Kagura, you should be honored to be poisoned by Okita Sougo. _Nah, it wasn't his style; he was more "bazookas and bombs and fire and ash and _ka~boom!_"

Ah, well. China, until the day I blast you to high heaven, don't you ever lower your guard.

Madao stood outside the Yorozuya HQ, holding a square red box in his hand. It was small, about the size of a ring case. Someone had left it in front of his house, and it was mailed to Kagura. He knocked on the door. Kagura opened the door, and stood there in front of him, rubbing her eyes and in her pajamas. Madao rubbed the base of his neck. "Ah, little girl. This is for you, isn't it?"

Kagura looked at the box. She took it and slammed the door. Madao stood there for a second, and then sighed. He started down the stairs. Then he heard a _thunk_. The girl had thrown the box out the window, and it had opened in the fall. Green vapor seeped out, hissing and withering the nearby grass.

Madao got out of there as fast as he could.

"Stupid Kamui," Kagura said, "I can still smell you on that box, even though the old madao's stinky smell nearly covered it all. Don't think that I doubt that you have it in you to kill me, b*stard."

Still, she kept the ribbon that was formerly around the box. It smelled like him. He must have tied and wrapped that box himself. That alone makes it the best birthday present ever.

Outside, near the trash bags, lay the little red box. The acidic vapor was eating away at it. Written on the inside of the box, already faded because of the acid, was written four distinct words. Those distinct words, written in Kamui's handwriting, was eaten quickly up by the acid and was never to be seen again.

_I love you, brat._

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Author's note; Kamui says that he never wrote down any of those words in his life. (Tch, you don't have to hide it, you know, there's gotta be a sister complex in there somewhere) Please review!


	12. Chapter 12

"Joui is joy, Joui is joy! Join the Jouishishi! Jouishishi is worth your shi-t, just do it, Zura! Joui is joy! Zura! Yo, yo, yo, Joui is joy! Katsurap! Join the Joui! Overthrow the bakafu, Zura!"

"Yo-yo-yo, yo ass! Somebody hit him with a shoe already!"

Kagura sat on her usual place at the park bench. She looked up to the sky, lifting her umbrella. She had a bad feeling somehow. If she got another random text, she'll break the phone in half and shove the pieces up Okita's anus.

"You have a text. Beep, beep, beep."

Kagura smiled grimly. She smashed her phone under her foot. Time to go to the Shinsengumi station. She picked up her umbrella.

Okita had gotten through with his morning work at Kabuki district. A morning shift at Kabuki's streets is always interesting. So far, he had already pulled over the same Yorozuya white-perm-hair guy three times from going too slow for Kabuki's other citizens. Turns out he was low on blood sugar, so he conked off at random times. After feeding him three cups of pure sugar, he met a giant dog walking down the street, and he had to arrest it for road blockage, because people couldn't cross the streets with its crap splattered everywhere.

So he left it in the Shinsengumi latrines, and went back to his patrol. He met a couple of girls who worked at a bar, and one of them saw his uniform and nearly smashed his face in with a bowl of omelets that she pulled out of nowhere, saying that she mistook him for _Kondou_. _Kondou_! How could she mistake him for the _gorilla_?

And then he walked down the street, and what does he see, Katsura walking into a noodle restaurant! But when he raced inside all he saw was the restaurant owner, and she led him all around the house but although he did find many hidden trapdoors, he couldn't find Katsura. The lady's kimono was strangely lumpy at the bottom, as if she had a person hiding in her skirts. But surely Katsura couldn't hide there... Could he?

And after he left the noodle shop, he encounters this man sitting on the street, and he's in a smelly cardboard box and had this mangy dog. Okita had to talk to him about public property and how he couldn't stake claim on it, and had to chase him off.

And then a bunch of giant robots come over and try to squash him, which he had to then bash up two and jump out of the way of six more. Then the owner- this old geezer with weird goggles limps up and tries to sue him for property damage! He told him that his name was Hijikata, and went off on his way.

The suddenly he sees a hunch crowd of otakus and nerds who were wearing blue kimonos with white strips on the edges, shouting "Otsuu, Otsuu!" He had to chase them off for road blockage and nearly had to slice this kid in half because he protested against Okita ripping up the Otsuu banner. The kis had glasses, and Okita felt like he saw him before, but couldn't remember where.

So, he was back at the Shinsengumi, sorting out all the people who had sued him (countless) and all the people who he claims that he had tried to kill him (countless) and all the people who claimed that he destroyed their property (like he gave a f*ck), when the door to his room opened.

Kagura stared down at him, holding two halves of a broken phone in one hand and her umbrella in the other. Deadpan, she lifted the hand with the broken phone in it and said, "could you please shove this up your anus?"

Okita stared blankly at her for a moment, but then he unsheathed his katana. "What if I say no?"

Kagura sighed. She clicked the hidden safety on her umbrella. "Then I'd have to do it by force."

Okita smiled, shoved his papers away, and loaded his bazooka, which had been under his desk. "What would happen if I win?"

"You won't."

Okita aimed his bazooka and fired. Kagura leaped out of the way, flipped off the wall, and propelled herself to Okita... Or where Okita was. Okita had slipped to other side of the room, and by the time Kagura had noticed that, she had smashed into his chair. At that moment Okita fired his bazooka.

Smoke and ash spiraled out of the hole where his desk used to be. Okita smiled and lowered his bazooka. What was he going to do with her...? Smoke and ash settled down, revealing an open purple umbrella. Kagura smiled from behind the umbrella, and although Okita didn't see that smile, he knew what it looked like. Kagura fired off a full round without stopping. Okita was blasted out of his room and out into the Shinsengumi training lawn and into the pond. Kagura stepped out of the hole that she forcefully made in the wall and leaped into the lawn, blasting a couple of trainees out of the way.

"Sadist, where the hell are you, coward? Get out of your hidey-hole, I know you're not dead, b*stard!" Kagura walked into the pond until she was knee-deep in water. Then a hand grabbed her ankle and pulled her off balance, making her fall face-first into the water.

Okita surged out of the water, holding her ankle. He held her head firmly under the water, making her splutter and splash. But then her hand shot out in a backwards punch and threw him into the water again.

Kagura stood up and shook herself all over. She was dripping wet. Her umbrella was on shore, but she knew that if she made a move towards that, Okita would see the splashes and ripples and try to drown her again. With the muddy water, he was underwater and using it as a cover, but that also meant he couldn't see a thing. His katana was back in his destroyed room, and his bazooka was blasted to pieces.

That meant they were both unarmed and in a pond with no idea of each other's position. Would she trip and fumble first and let him find her location or would he rise up for air first? _He must be running out of air by now_, Kagura thought. But then she saw the patch of hollow reeds. He must breathing through one of those. Would he move first or will she?

How was she going to distract him while she got her umbrella? Then she saw a few stones under her foot. Slowly and smoothly she slipped her hand into the water and grabbed a few pebbles. She made a few ripples, and she froze, but no other ripples indicated that Okita, wherever he was, had realized that she had moved.

She threw the pebbles as far as she could to the opposite edge of the pond. Then she watched as a surge of ripples, which was probably Okita as he swam to the pebbles. Kagura then leaped out of the pond and grabbed her umbrella. By the time Okita realized the two opposite ripples and what she might have done, she was already firing off her umbrella.

Smoke hissed out of her barrel. However, no splotches of blood stained the muddy water. Kagura searched the water, cupping her hand over her eyes, squinting.

Is that Okita Sougo so inhuman that he didn't even bleed anymore? Kagura lifted her umbrella and aimed at the reeds. Bam! Bam! Sploosh! There goes his air supply. If he didn't have a reed to blow through, he would have to resurface soon.

Ripples and bubbles surfaced. Kagura aimed, put her hand on the trigger of her umbrella... And got smacked on the side of her face by Hijikata. "Oi, little missy, you can't just go around blasting Shinsengumi officers-"

Kagura blasted him to and through the fence. But that moment wasn't lost to Okita. He had resurfaced and already had a gun from a fallen comrade. he didn't have a mark on him, besides being thoroughly wet and panting. Kagura smiled, and lifted her umbrella once again. Okita aimed his gun. Both of their fingers clicked against their triggers. Both of their eyes narrowed and both of them dripped puddles.

Both of them got blasted to hell by Hijikata's mayo-bazooka.

"Damn, I should have gotten one of these sooner."


	13. Chapter 13

"So, would you like to explain why you two were wrecking the Shinsengumi station?" Hijikata asked.

Kagura scratched the side of her head with a pencil. "I forgot. I think I was pissed off and wanted to beat up somebody."

Okita tapped on the side of the table in a beat that was way off the rhythm. "She came to my room and told me to shove a phone up my ass and I decided that I didn't want to do that and then she started blasting everything to next Tuesday."

Kagura immediately bristled. "But he started it! He was the first to eject a bullet- from his bazooka! And he unsheathed his katana before I finished my sentence, so I was basically defending myself!"

Hijikata looked at them with his classic 'what-a-bunch-of-dumbasses' look. He dragged a smoke from his cigarette. "So you're saying you completely destroyed the Shinsengumi lawn because you felt like it and you wanted to shove something up someone's ass?"

Kagura and Okita felt slightly like they were being mocked, but couldn't really put their fingers on what exactly was the insult. Hijikata took a sip from his water bottle. Okita and Kagura watched as he swallowed. It was definitely thicker than water. Much, much thicker. Okita felt nauseous. How did he ever think that whatever was inside there was water? Kagura hiccupped, holding her hand close to her hand.

Hijikata adjusted the interrogation lamp. "Oh, do you want some?" He asked smugly, swaying the bottle back and forth. The clumpy goop inside swirled. Okita let his vomit out and it splattered under the table. Kagura retched. "Hell no!" Kagura said once she stopped. "Do you want to poison me with that dog food?" Okita asked, wiping his mouth.

Yamazaki, who was supervising the interrogation, (to make sure they didn't die from mayo-fanatic over-exposure), sighed. As a small undercover spy and mostly a cherry boy, cleaning that up will be his job. Time to stop this. "Hijikata, just let it go. They're just a bunch of overpowered kids. I'm sure they didn't mean it." Yamazaki reached for a mop that was at the corner of the room. Okita and Kagura grinned what they both thought were innocent, beaming smiles.

Hijikata knew they were planning what was going to be on his gravestone at his funeral. _That funeral_, he thought as he looked at the evil grins, _was not so far away if he wasn't careful_. With a sinking feeling, he clearly imagined Kagura and Okita chipping away at his name with a Shinsengumi katana or a Yorozuya katana, and replacing 'Hijikata' with 'mayo-fanatic'.

"One more time, Okita and Kagura, if you destroy another Shinsengumi room you're going to the cells. I'll leave you there for a month handcuffed together. I'll put you to work in the latrines for a year. I'll demote Okita to private. Kagura, I'll confiscate your umbrella because you don't have the responsibility to keep it."

Kagura stared at him, with big disbelieving eyes. Okita smirked.

Hijikata glared at him. "You too, Sougo. I'll lock up all your bazookas and bombs and guns. I'll break your katana in half." Okita blinked. Would he really disable Shinsengumi's star fighter? Half the villains in jail would be running the streets if he was gone for a week. They had to let him keep the bazooka. They had to! The fans would be devastated to see Okita Sougo without his signature big-ass gun.

Okita and Kagura took on sincere, serious looks. "We won't do it again, we promise," they chorused. Hijikata studied them harshly. They clearly didn't mean a single word they had just uttered. They would never change. Hijikata sighed. "Fine, but remember-"

Okita and Kagura had already ran out and left. The door was plastered against the wall by the force that Okita and Kagura slammed it when they smashed it opened.

Tumbleweeds blew across the table, in front of Hijikata's frozen face. At the end of the table it collapsed into ashes and fell off the table. Hijikata squeezed his mayonnaise bottle so tightly mayonnaise squelched out, and splattered Yamazaki's face.

Kagura walked along Kabuki's streets. She had already missed half the day at the Yorozuya so she shouldn't bother going to work. Nobody was probably going to come anyway.

Where should she spend the other half of the day? Soyo Hime has all those boring classes on how to be a lady so Kagura can't see her. Everyone in Yoshiwara was resting off yesterday night's work. Otae would feed her the burnt omelets. Katsura was always hanging around the noodle shop or being chased by officers. Radio exercises occurs in the morning and it was already late afternoon. Everyone was probably home already. She wanted dango or sukonbu but she also had no money.

Kagura opened her umbrella and swung off the wall she was sitting on. Time to go to the park and perform her duties as the Queen of Kabuki district. But everyone was so easy to beat up. And where was her phone? Oh, wait, she smashed it up. Fine. Today, Okita's anus will be unharmed but tomorrow...

Tomorrow she will definitely chop him up and roast Okita Sougo Special with a side of Sadist.

Okita walked around Kabuki district's more shady alleys and dirty streets, searching for the faces he had skimmed over on the wanted posters. If he caught a few, he might be forgiven from destroying his office, especially if he tacks all the blame on one female yato. You know how females are, and you know how yato are, and if you put them together... Yeah, only one destroyed room seems lucky now, right?

Anyway, Okita shuffled around his pockets. He heard a few clinks. He pulled two halves of Kagura's phone out of his pocket. "Eh? Isn't this China's?" Okita thought for a moment. "Ah, this is the thing she wanted to shove up my ass." He looked at it and sighed. "Why did she want to do that? Was it because of the text I sent her about her brother? Well, I didn't send her whatever she got. Goddamit, whoever did, he'd better pay damage to the Shinsengumi."

Okita shoved the phone into his pocket again. He lifted his bazooka from the floor next to him. Time to find the criminal. He blasted the house right next to him with multiple shots. "Come out, little pig, or I'll blow your house down! This is Shinsengumi officer Okita Sougo, and I want whichever person who stole a handbag from a rich matron to come out of apartment number 313!"

A person poked his head out of his window. "What the f*ck are you doing! The house you just blasted to front door to hell is my house, and it's number is 312, dumbass!"

Okita looked at the mailbox. "Oops. You know, you should really dust off your mailbox. It confused me." He then turned around and blasted the house next door. "That was 311, fool!"

Okita sighed. He reloaded his bazooka, and fired at house number 313. "Picky, picky. 311, 312, 313, all the same really."

Kamui looked at the screen of his phone expectantly. Abuto watched as time and time again he closed it and went off in a bad mood. "Who are you waiting for?" Abuto asked. Kamui glared at him. "I sent Kagura a text this morning, and she didn't reply to it."

Abuto scratched the side of his head, "Well, she doesn't really like you at all, anyway, so wouldn't she just ignore it?"

Kamui continued glaring. "I expected her to at least say 'f*ck you' or 'go to hell', at least."

"What did the text say?" Abuto asked. Kamui turned away. "Nothing, really. Just something I wanted an answer to."

_Kagura, I have a question..._

_I have found two different poisons; one that hurts a little bit more than if someone ripped your stomach open but ends your life in about three minutes, and another that only carries about the pain of a bad, pounding headache, but drags the time until you die to three hours._

_Which one would you like me to force-feed you?_

* * *

Please review! (answer to the question; which poison would you like?)


	14. Chapter 14

Okita walked down the hallway of the Shinsengumi station. The note he had found on his desk that morning was clutched on his hand. Okita stopped at the door with the sign saying 'training room'. He opened the door. Then he closed it and nearly walked away if not for Hijikata leaping out of the room and dragging him back.

"Oi, oi Okita! Don't you dare you ditch me, b*stard, it's your shift today here too!" Hijikata dragged Okita back into the room. Then he plopped Okita down next to him. Hijikata ran his hand over his hair and lit a cigarette, gesturing at the huge crowd of men opposite them.

"Okay, trainees, stand." One hundred Shinsengumi "wanna-be"s stood up, each in black jumpsuits. Hijikata cleared his throat. "Okay, this is the orientation for the Shinsengumi's new officers. Of the hundred guys we have here only ten would receive the official uniform and katanas, you get my meaning?" A hundred men nodded assent.

Hijikata sighed. "Before the tests, we would like for you to understand more of the strict set of rules that we follow. Now, guest Okita Sougo, the famed Shinsengumi star fighter would like to outline the more important regulations of the Kyokuchuu Hatto." Okita nodded seriously and stood up. He nodded to Hijikata. "Would you stand as well to demonstrate, Vice-Captain?" Hijikata dumped his cigarette into his ashtray, unsure of this new politeness. "Sure."

Okita turned to the one hundred pairs of eyes staring at him. "The first thing every officer should remember is that in any situation, force is needed, and we provide the force. Like so."

He flicked the safety on his bazooka and blasted Hijikata right through the wall.

By the time Hijikata managed to get back in the room, Okita was already halfway through his lecture. "At every opportunity, use your bazooka. Especially in Kabuki district, where more of the terrorists and the lazy no-goods live. Katsura usually hangs around a soba restaurant and there is this sidekick of his, a giant white penguin. If you see anyone of anything concerning the Jouishishi, blast them to hell, you got that?"

A hundred men nodded. Some were taking notes.

"Also, if you see a young yato female in a Chinese dress and a giant white dog with weird eyebrows, at any cost please tie her up and deliver her to me-"

Hijikata slammed Sougo's face into the wall, creating a spiderweb of cracks. "Fool! Everyone- ignore everything he just said! At every sign of violence, please try to resolve things peacefully. At a last resort use your bazooka! We the officers primarily use our katana for most of our fights! if you see Katsura, do not directly attack him, but try to figure out his hideout and other Jouishishi men! If you see a Chinese yato female don't mail her to this sadist... Gak!"

Okita had slammed Hijikata's face into the floor with his foot. "One last thing. If you are met with any complaints or problems, say that your name is Hijikata and he will take care of the rest. If you accidentally destroy anything valuable, say that Hijikata's fault and he'll take care of-"

Hijikata leaped up and tried to give Okita a buzz-cut with his katana. "What the hell? I'm not a scrapegoat for anything that you guys do!"

Okita bent backward and evaded the wild slashing. "You weren't?"

Hijikata snarled and punched Okita through the door. Then he turned to the men and said, "Time for the testing. Here, follow me." He walked out and looked around, both ways down the hallway. Okita was nowhere to be seen. Hijikata looked back into the room. Okita was handing out pieces of paper. "Here, this is my address, and this is a photo of Kagura, the yato-"

Hijikata grabbed his face and threw him out the window. "Idiot!" He glared at the trainees. "Follow me," he said and led them to the gym.

At the gym, he showed them the ring. It was about fifteen feet by fifteen feet, the typical boxing platform. Then he made the men line up. "The test is just this; you will be given a katana and Okita would be also given a katana. You have to be in one piece and conscious after ten seconds in the ring with him."

Every man nodded. Although he did have a reputation, Okita was only a boy of about eighteen years. Surely men twice his age can block him for ten seconds?

"Don't hold back, because he won't. If you die, you will be remembered as a failure. Any volunteers?" A few raised their hands, confident of themselves. Those were experienced fighters. Okita stepped into the room, holding two shiny katanas. He smiled evilly at the trainees. "Let the party begin," he said. He needed to blow off steam.

Kondou walked past the training room. He wanted to see how everything was going. Out of the thousands that applied, only this hundred was chosen by their reputation, records, and health conditions. Only the top are accepted to the Shinsengumi. After all, not many survive Okita's attempts to kill Hijikata or the Yorozuya's mess-ups.

And with Okita testing them, it will be a surprise if ten trainees even managed to not be sent to the hospital under emergency critical statuses.

Kondou opened the door.

He closed it.

And left.

Yamazaki was shuffling papers in the Shinsengumi office when Kondou opened the door to the files. His face was a pale gray and he was shaking. "Y-yamazaki, if anyone d-dies during the training session, who would be blamed? Not that a-anyone is dying in the training sessions, t-though."

Yamazaki shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I don't think anyone had actually died in the training sessions, although I think some were very very close to death."

Kondou laughed crazily. "Yamazaki! Write your resignation form! I've finished mine! If we get out of here fast enough we might keep our resumes clean!" Then he ran towards his office and slipped on the floorboards, crashing and hitting his head on a stray nail. Blood pooled.

Yamazaki stuck his head out his door. "Good god, what did he see in that room?"

Okita wiped blood off his katana... And Hijikata stood next to him force-feeding fifty men mayonnaise. "Eat up, men! This is the food of life and all we eat here at the Shinsengumi! There is a regulation that you must consume five bottles a day, trainees!"

Half the men were unconscious and beaten up and the other half were vomiting.

Hijikata sighed. "Such weaklings. Only fifty men made it through your fighting match and now the other half don't even have to stomach for mayonnaise!"

Okita looked over to the huge crates. "I think that they have enough of a resistance if they managed to eat that much."

The real monster of the Shinsengumi...

Isn't the sadist.


	15. Chapter 15

This is for all the reviewers who requested OkitaXKagura! (even though this fanfiction is supposed to be KamuiXKagura)

Thank you for reading! Please review! The next chapter will be the return of Gintoki and Shinpachi!

This is the 15th chapter already! I made it this far! Yeah! (^v^)

* * *

From one end of the street, one particular Shinsengumi officer walks towards the Shinsengumi station carrying a giant bazooka and a shopping bag that was full of anpans, mayonnaise bottles, and bullets.

From the other end of the street, one particular female yato walks away from the Shinsengumi station, fresh from another interrogation about her criminal brother. She carries a purple umbrella and two sticks of dango.

The female yato is somehow slightly disappointed to not see someone at the interrogation. _If he was there, I could have destroyed a few more of the Shinsengumi rules and blew off some steam,_ she thought. Instead, she had to stay calm and quiet and polite (okay, maybe a little rude) during the whole boring ordeal. Where the f*ck was that b*stard? Where was the guy who could take her spars?

The male officer was equally pissed off. _They purposefully sent me on shopping duty so I wouldn't get to trap China,_ he thinks. _Damn, and I had such a good trap rigged too. _He wondered if anyone would accidentally snap the string that he had placed around the table and then press the button under the left chair as well. What were the chances of that happening? Maybe, just maybe. Yamazaki had such clumsiness and Hijikata's luck just might cut it.

But if his trap had been set off, he would be hearing of it now. But he wasn't.

The two of them meet at the center of the street. They stop. The whole world held its breath. "Fancy meeting you here, China," he says. "Likewise, butthole," she replies. Her finger flips the safety of her umbrella. He did the same with his bazooka. Each of them did not see the other's actions, but they both knew what had occured.

"You wanna go at it?" He plops the shopping bag down and raises his bazooka.

"Nah. If I'm late, Gin-san would yell at me." She finishes off the two sticks of dango, casually. "Yeah, me too. I'm already late as it is." He picks up the bag and sets off once more. They walk past each other, slow motion.

"Besides, if we destroy another street the Shogun would kick us out of Edo." The sadist could not see the yato's face, only her back, but he knew the reply was aimed at him.

"And I would get fired." He said.

"Me too."

They continue walking towards their respective job locations. Suddenly, a thought appeared in their heads at the exact same time.

_But since when did we give a f*ck about that?!_

Okita turned around and fired a bullet off of his bazooka and straight for Kagura. She flips around and blocks it with her umbrella. "Oi, Sadist! I knew you would launch a surprise attack on me, butthole!"

Okita snickered. He fires off another round of bullets, aiming instinctively but Kagura dodges them all, jumping, dodging or blocking them with her umbrella, and runs towards him. His shots hit the shops behind her instead. People scream and run for cover. Okita walks backward onto the street and lifts his bazooka to get a better aim at the leaping yato.

Kagura throws her two empty dango sticks at Okita. With her force, the two wooden sticks stab deep into Okita's leg. His face tightens a little at the pain, but he takes advantage of her shot and fires a bullet at the exact moment her guard lowers when her hand releases the sticks at him.

Kagura was blasted onto the roof of a bookshop and falls through its advertisement of its _Jump _series and breaks a big hole in its roof. Bricks and slates and dust fly everywhere.

"Bulls-eye," he says. Okita grins evilly in victory and steps forward to make the last few strikes... And promptly gets run over by a truck.

Kagura climbs back onto the roof through the hole. She sees Okita's still figure on the road, with its road stains and truck tire tracks. "Oi, sadist, you look pretty flat there! Why don't I make some money and sell you to the circus?"

A hand reaches from behind her and lifts her up by her neck. "Eh, China, what did you say about the circus?"

Blow them, Okita's decoy of pants and a jacket flap off in the wind and hit Hijikata on the face. He stares at it incredulously and finds its tab. The tab says 'Sadist'. Hijikata held the pants away from him, at arm's length. The thing could explode at any moment. "Why is Sougo stripping in public?"

Kagura head-butts him and smashes her umbrella into Okita's head, pushing him back. "How many lives do you have, damned Sadist!"

Okita fires off another round. "More than you can count, China. More than you can knock off, China." Kagura sighes, and then snickers. "Oi, Sadist, nice boxers you got there!"

Okita glares back at her and refused to look down. Kagura fires at him again, hoping that the line would put him off his guard. Okita dodges them easily. (remember his pants and jacket were put as a decoy?)

Okita's boxer were red with printed handcuffs.

Kagura bursts out laughing. Okita's eyes narrowed and readied his hand on the trigger of his bazooka. He aims, but Kagura flips backward, running along the roofs towards the Yorozuya HQ. "Bye for now, Sadist! If we continue to fight, I'll miss the early soap operas!"

Okita watches as she jumps away. "I'll kill you later, China!"

Then he hears someone call his name. He looks down. Hijikata lifts his pants and his jacket. "Care to explain?" He asked, gesturing at the destruction and his boxers.

Okita sighes and jumps down, 'accidentally' letting loose a few rounds on Hijikata. "Oops, I must have it still on. Sorry!" Hijikata punches him on the face and grabs his bazooka, aiming at Okita's face. "Tell me what happened here or I'll blast you to the next decade."

Okita says, deadpan, "I was trying to catch a monster. However, she got away." Hijikata's hand tightens on the trigger. "What? It's the truth! She is a monster!"

Kagura flips the channel on the TV. She was surprised that Okita let her go so easily. He usually would still continue to blast her as she left. Then she'd have to leave while dodging bullets like a coward. Maybe he just wasn't feeling well. Maybe he had spent his sadistic-ness out on someone else before he had met her.

Oh, well.

Okita sat on his mat in the Shinsengumi meeting room, not even bothering to pretend that he was listening to the boring talk. He was waiting for something to happen. He knew it was going to happen. As he caught Kagura by the collar, he had left a special something there.

_Don't think that you can get away so easily, China._

So, this is why, as Shinpachi washed Kagura's laundry, was he blasted through the roof.


	16. Chapter 16

Shinpachi stared out the window of the hospital, with a bandaged left arm. _If I continue like this I won't make it to adulthood,_ he thought. Those monsters would make mincemeat out of me before I lose my virginity, goddammit. His glasses was slightly cracked on the left lens. He was in a wheelchair. The door to his room slammed open. "Shinpachi! Who did this to you? I'll kill them!" Otae ran in, followed by Kyuubei, who was carrying a giant stack of bento boxes.

Sweat dripped down Shinpachi's face. He had an idea of what was in the bento boxes and he didn't like that idea. Otae smiled happily. "I brought something for you to eat, Shinpachi! If you eat this, you'll heal faster!"

_No, Otae,_ he thought, _if I eat that I'll be dead of food poisoning before anyone can give me the antidote to deadly radioactive omelets. _

Otae opened the bento box. The clumps of ashes inside burst out in clouds. Shinpachi coughed violently. "N-not now, Otae. I-I just ate, there's really no need to bring these... These _omelets_." Calling those lumps omelets was a great disparagement of real omelets.

Otae's face fell. Shinpachi gulped. "D-don't... You know what, just leave the bento boxes here, I'll eat them later, Otae." She smiled. "Okay, Shinpachi! Now I've got to go to work, stay here and sleep, now!"

Then she and Kyuubei turned and left. Kyuubei had slipped Shinpachi a small bottle. It was labelled 'acid'.

Tears rolled down Shinpachi's face. _Thank you Kyuubei! _Opening each of the bento boxes, and looking left and right to make sure no one was looking, he dipped a few drops into the box and watched as the piles of burnt _things_ disappeared. _Kyuubei, you are my hero!_

The door slammed open yet again. Shinpachi jumped. The bento boxes on the table next to him rattled. Kagura and Gintoki stepped inside. "Oi, how are you doing? I just saw your monster of a sister leaving. Did she...?"

Shinpachi nodded and motioned to the bento boxes. Kagura walked over. "Boss lady does make the best poisons." Shinpachi sighed. I don't think that was the objective of the omelets, Kagura.

"Well, Shinpachi, we just dropped by to give you these." Shinpachi smiled. "Really? You shouldn't have..."

Gintoki held up an empty box of dango and small stack of old _Jump_ issues. He picked his nose and wiped it on the first cover. "Here. Those should keep you busy. You're back in work by Monday, right?"

You really shouldn't have.

Kagura looked at his bandaged arm and smacked it. His arm broke again in two different places. "Gahak!" He yelled. "Whoa, so this is what you get if you do laundry." Shinpachi glared at her. "It wasn't doing the laundry, stupid! it was a bomb that was in your collar. How the hell did you get it there?" Kagura ignored him. "Be careful or you'll just be a one-handed, laundry-washing nanny, Shinpachi!" Before he could say anything, the two of them just left.

"Jesus! What did they even come here for?" Shinpachi stared out the window and watched as a motorcycle and a giant dog head back to the Yorozuya. "If you have so much time to kill, they might as well just get a real job."

The door opened again, and a person slipped in. Shinpachi looked over. Sachan looked around, holding a small box of natto. "Gintoki? Gintoki?" She crawled under the table, shouting and searching for Gintoki. "Oi, oi! Get out from under here! Why are you here searching for him?" Shinpachi was starting to get pissed off. Random people were coming to visit him, and he got the crappiest of presents, and now this ninja stalker was here just to get his boss.

"Oh, yeah." Sachan plopped the box of natto on his table. "This is for you. I came to give this to you. I wasn't here to find Gintoki. I was just here to give you a present- Gintoki?!" His motorcycle had stopped at a red light.

CRACK!~

Sachan leaped through what used to be a window. Then she hurtled down a few floors and then hooked her rope around a traffic light, swinging right into Gintoki's lap. Shinpachi watched as Sachan evaded Gintoki's punches effectively.

He sighed. The natto squelched.

The door swung open. Shinpachi looked over. Katsura crept in, and then saw Shinpachi. he held up one finger to his lips. "Zura, what are you doing here?" Shinpachi asked. "It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" He replied. At that moment the footsteps in the hallway stopped. "He's in here!" Hijikata, Sougo and Kondou bursted through the door...

Only to see Shinpachi standing next to a broken window. "He went out there!" Shinpachi said, pointing through the window.

Kondou immediately, with no hesitation, jumped out the window.

Okita nearly jumped out too, if not for Hijikata stopping him and clamping his hand onto his shoulder. "Wait." Hijikata stepped closer to Shinpachi, studying him closely. "Hey, I know you..." Sweat dripped down Shinpachi's face.

"You're the one that Okita bombed!" Shinpachi sighed with relief.

"Okita! Apologize!" Okita turned around and looked at him. "Eh? I put it on China? Ah, well. Sorry." Then he jumped out the window. Hijikata turned around and watched as he disappeared. "Idiot! The broken window isn't the exit!" Then he ran out of the room and into the hallway, shouting curses and orders to the other officers.

Katsura crawled out from under the table. "Good job, Glasses. Breaking the window as a decoy is a good idea. Would you like to join the Jouishishi?" Shinpachi threw him out the window. "Hell no!" Shinpachi looked out the window. Katsura was using Elizabeth as a landing pad. It was working.

Shinpachi watched as the Shinsengumi chased him all over the parking lot, blasting cars and people but not once even hitting Katsura. Before he knew it, the two parties had taken it away from the hospital. He suddenly knew what was going to happen.

The door slammed open. Shinpachi's fist clenched. If they only came here to torture, tease, troll, or kill him, they might as well just not come at all! He turned around angrily, ready to give someone a piece of his mind.

Otsuu smiled at him, motioned for him to be quiet, and gave him a small box. Shinpachi blushed. He grinned back at her. Suddenly, getting a broken arm isn't so bad. Then they both heard clicking and snapping. Reporters. Otsuu smiled at him and then jumped out the window.

Shinpachi lost all color. _Oi, oi! that wasn't the exit, Otsuuuuuuuuu!_

He rolled his wheelchair back to the window. Below, Otsuu had squashed a member of her cheering squad, and the member was loving it. She smiled and waved at all her fans, and then she ran off into a car.

Shinpachi looked back at his present, relieved that she was okay. The present was neatly tied with a purple ribbon, and the box was wrapped in Otsuu gift wrap. Finally, someone understands him enough to give him a good present. He opened the box eagerly.

A jack in the box leaped out and punched him in the face. Shinpachi didn't mind, blood dripping down his face. Otsuu had given him something personally, and that was good enough.

The door opened again, to Shinpachi's bloody face.

Yamazaki stepped through, plopped down a small bag of anpan and mayonnaise on the table, and left. Shinpachi watched his back. That was the only sane exit and gift-giving that he had had all day. Shinpachi smiled. As expected of Yamazaki.

Back at the Shinsengumi station, Okita was looking over all around and searching his pockets over and over again. Hijikata was starting to get scared. "What did you lose, Okita?" Okita looked up. "Yamazaki! Where is the bomb I asked you to keep hold of when I was chasing Katsura?"

Yamazaki suddenly lost all color and shadows lined his face. The badminton racket in his hand dropped and clattered on the floor.

"I put it in the bag of presents that we put together for Shinpachi."


	17. Chapter 17

Gintoki looks at the calender. Scrawled on it in red marker was a few words Gintoki never wanted to see together in a sentence ever.

'Sadaharu's Doctor Visit- 11:30 AM (shots+checkup)'

Kagura rubbed her eyes as she brushed her teeth. She walked up to Gintoki's shaking figure. "Wha's throng?" She said, spitting out toothpaste with each mispronounced syllable. Then she took a look at the calender.

Shinpachi walked into a room of disarray. Papers were scattered everywhere. Kagura and Gintoki were already awake before he had managed to get here at 10. This meant nothing but the worst of had happened, or was due to ensue. Kagura and Gintoki were both on their cellphones.

"I would like two giant tranquilizers please, about the size for elephants... Oh. Well, my boss Gintoki can foot the bill... Psst! Gintoki, do you have about 100,000 yen on you?"

"If I did Otose would be up here strangling me, trying to get the rent, wouldn't she?" Gintoki said. Kagura nodded because to her, it made sense. But it also meant there was nothing else to but to get there on time. She closed her phone and walked towards her room. Shinpachi watched as she rolled up imaginary sleeves and steadied herself.

Gintoki closed his phone too, his desperate pleas to postpone the appointment denied. Kagura walked closer to the room. Then she slid the door open. Sadaharu woke almost immediately. "Aru?" He woofed. Then he leaped up and tried to take a bite out of her head, but she caught him mid-air and cut off his air supply. "Good boy, Sadaharu! Good boy, we're going for a walk now, okay, Sadaharu?"

Sadaharu huffed, and Kagura walked him to the door. Shinpachi walked over to the calender. "Gin-san, did a customer come or something? Did anything happen? Why are you shaking, Gintoki? Why do you need elephant tranquilizers? And anyways, isn't it usually you that walks Sadaharu?" Then he saw what was written on the calender. He ripped off the page and crumpled it up. "I did not see that, Gin-san, did you see anything?"

Gintoki sighed. "I did see something. Something we've been putting off for a year."

Shinpachi was aging by the second. "No no, it must be your old age, Gintoki, your eyes are going. We have nothing to do today, nothing at all! In fact, everything is fine. We'll just..."

They heard glass breaking as Kagura broke the news to her dog. "Arf! Arf! Arooooo!" They also heard a lot of breaking, ear-breaking alarms, and many people screaming and yelling.

Kagura grabbed on her dog's neck and nearly snapped it. Sadaharu shook her around like a doll, but she continued to hold on. Sadaharu slumped, unconscious and out of breath. Kagura wiped blood off her face, where claw marks had scratched her. "Good boy, Sadaharu." Then she picked him up and started towards the clinic. Gintoki and Shinpachi looked at each other, and then they started for the door. Disaster had an appointment with them at 11:30 AM.

Shinpachi and Gintoki got into the clinic when Kagura and Sadaharu had already been admitted into the doctor's room. They went in. Sadaharu was already inside, still conked out. "He's pretty healthy, hm?" The doctor said. "This is one fine dog. He's pretty big too. What did you feed him?"

Kagura looked over at the doctor. "Just regular dog food, some strawberry milk once in a while because he likes it, and sometimes meat. he also likes leftovers, especially dango." The doctor hmph-ed and poked and prodded but nevertheless didn't make any comments. Kagura was starting to get rubbed the wrong way. "Just give him the shots already. The faster you get it done, the better."

The doctor nodded and then grabbed, from below the table, a big-ass needle. It glinted. Kagura blinked.

"Oi! What are you doing?" Gintoki ran into the room and nearly got skewered on the needle. "Oi, watch that thing!" Shinpachi ran into the room, and nearly made Gintoki shish-kebab.

Kagura blocked the doctor from Gintoki and Shinpachi. "Don't stop the doctor! Just this one shot then we can go, Gin-san!" Gintoki shouted at her, "what are you, stupid? No matter how you look at it, that's not a doctor! That's just Zura with a big-ass needle!"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" Katsura pulled off his glasses. "Ah, sharp eyes you have there. Would you like to join the Joui-"

Gintoki punch him and slammed him into the laboratory table. "Hell no! What are you trying to pull? What is this?" The needle had snapped and the acid in it burned off a bit of Gintoki's perm. "You nearly shot all of that into Sadaharu?'

Kagura snapped up as if shocked. "H-he nearly what?"

"He nearly shot Sadaharu full of acid!"

Katsura looked blankly at Gintoki. "I did? Oops. i thought that was the flu shot, to prevent death." Sadaharu had been shoved off the table by Gintoki and was in the corner, squashing Shinpachi.

Kagura abruptly pulled Gintoki off Katsura. She held the needle. "Idiot! This was made to hasten death!" She lifted the needle high above her head and nearly bashed Katsura's head in if not for a timely explosion.

"Put your hands up! Katsura the terrorist is in this building!" Through the big hole that he had made with his bazooka, Okita hung from a Shinsengumi helicopter, shouting into a loudspeaker. Katsura looked up at him and sighed. Then he picked up his disguise, shouted for Elizabeth, and ran off. Kagura and Gintoki made no move to stop him. Of the two evils, the Shinsengumi was greater than the fool.

Kagura went back to her dog. Shinpachi had passed out under the huge dog's weight. "Let's go home, Gintoki." Gintoki nodded and picked Shinpachi up as Kagura picked up Sadaharu. They made for the parking lot.

Okita gritted his teeth. Those two had completely ignored his orders. He rung in Hijikata's radio. "Toshi, two people let Katsura escape. Kagura and Gintoki from Yorozuya. They are under suspicion."

Hijikata from the other side of the radio nodded. "Sign them up for surveillance ."

"Roojer."

"What the f*ck was that, b*stard?" Hijikata's cigarette flipped around in his mouth.

"Nothing. Just something I picked up from Katsura."

Hijikata screamed into the radio, "Idiot! Drop it immediately, fool! Commit seppuku, for being a traitor~"

Okita turned off the radio and sighed. "Is it the mayonnaise that makes him that way?"

Then he scheduled Kagura and Gintoki up for surveillance.

So this is why, when Kagura woke up the next morning, was she met with Sougo Okita's napping face.


	18. Chapter 18

"Gah-ah-ah-hak! Monster! Monster in my bed! Gin-saaan!" Kagura leaped out of her bed, swung herself into Gintoki's room and jumped on top of him. "Gin-saaan! wake up! The Shinsengumi is here!" Gintoki woke up and looked around. The first thing he noticed was that a little girl was strangling him. The next thing he noticed was Okita standing at his doorway, holding his red sleep-mask and rubbing his eyes.

Then he saw Hijikata behind him, drinking mayonnaise out of a coffee mug. "What the f*ck are you doing here, b*stards?"

When they all were dressed and eating breakfast, Hijikata explained that they had broken the lock and came in to keep them under surveillance. Shinpachi was told to stay home. Because of its lack of clarity, sound, and other drawbacks, video-cameras were put out of the question so instead they assigned the policemen's best officers to each Yorozuya member.

Gintoki rubbed his head. "Kondou asked for Shinpachi, didn't he?"

Hijikata looked up, surprised. "Yes, he did. How did you know?"

"He won't make it to tomorrow. Start drafting your captaincy speech, vice-captain."

Behind them, one sadist and one yato were throwing punches, flips, insults, and bullet at each other. "I woke up to your face and it was so ugly I thought I had woken up in my nightmares."

"You snore so loud I couldn't sleep a wink last night."

"You stink so bad I can't believe that I managed not to choke while I was sleeping."

"I'm telling you it's just my manliness."

"Manliness, my ass. You put bombs in my room, didn't you?"

"Maybe."

"B*stard!"

And so continued the fight until Hijikata and Gintoki mentioned something in their conversation. "You mean that Okita and Kagura have to sleep together again?"

Kagura and Okita stopped fighting at once. Kagura looked like she had a funny taste in her mouth and Okita looked like he just signed his death warrant. Which he might have, considering he'd have to sleep in the room he had put bombs in himself.

"Until you two prove your innocence, we have to stay wherever you are." Kagura grabbed Hijikata's hand, snapping nearly all its bones. "Take me to my trial, mayonnaise-fanatic."

Hijikata's cigarette nearly was chomped to ashes by the gritting of his teeth, his hand throbbing. "There is no trial. Wherever you guys go, Katsura seems to go as well. We're keeping on your tail until he shows up."

Kagura gripped his hand all the more tightly. "F-fine! We'll spend one day and one night with you guys. If Katsura so much as breathes within ten feet of you two, Kagura and Okita might as well just get married."

Kagura was only holding Hijikata's hand but somehow his arm bones were also making cracking sounds. Okita was loading and aiming his bazooka to Hijikata's head.

Gintoki walked along the streets of Kabuki, Hijikata fifteen feet behind him. Gintoki tried to ignore him. It was not easy. The damn guy was holding a mayonnaise bottle-shaped camera and a mayonnaise bottle-shaped lighter lighting up his cigarette, only to dump the cigarette in a mayonnaise bottle-shaped potable ashtray and drink mayonnaise out of a mayonnaise bottle-shaped water bottle! And then to top is off he takes out another mayonnaise bottle and smears mayonnaise on a hot dog!

Gintoki was starting to feel faint. _How was he ever going to survive one day?_

Kagura watched as Okita's bazooka and his aloof face chased away the children of the park. This is not going to go well, she thought. That damned b*stard would make her the hated queen of Kabuki district if she didn't do something about. Time to disappear. She sucked on her sukonbu, and turned around, ready to leap off into the deeper regions of the park when a hand grabbed her shoulder.

"Oh, China? Where do you think you're going, eh?"

_How was she going to survive one day?_

* * *

That night both Kagura and Gintoki went back to the Yorozuya HQ. They both brushed their teeth and ignored the two other teeth-brushers. They tucked themselves into bed and ignored the people who watched them. They negotiated with the two other teeth-brushers until they established that one, Kagura's room would not blow up during the night, two, Okita was not to sleep with Kagura, and three, Hijikata was not to sleep with Gintoki.

And then Kagura woke in the middle of the night with a heavy weight on top of her. She nearly punched whoever's face in if not for a braid falling into her face. "Oi, sister, sh!"

Kamui grinned at her. "How are ya doing?" Kagura punched him and tried to knee him in his 'man-berries'. "Oi, oi, quiet down. I heard you had a bit of a trouble with the police, brat." Kagura nodded. Then she dragged her finger along his neck. "Yeah, I know you promised to kill me the next time I came, but that has to be put off. Actually, I'm here to give ya something. It's tied in my pocket... I can't reach it. How do you sleep in this tiny bunk?"

Kagura reached down and grabbed his coat. She pulled it up to her face and nearly snapped his spine. Kamui continued to smiled. She grabbed a tiny packet. The other things in that pocket clinked. "That was a bunch of bombs I found in the back. Brat, that packet is important. Keep a hold on it for me, will ya?"

Kagura nodded. As much as she loathed her idiot older brother, his priorities were straight. He had come under a white flag and did her a favor. Okita's bombs were done in. She'll keep the packet safe. Kamui smiled one last time, but it was in the dark and Kagura couldn't see how it was softer than it usually was. "Weakling." Then the heavy weight was lifted off her and he slipped through the wall.

Kagura felt cold at his sudden disappearance. Her hand clutched the packet. _Damn him, coming in and just leaving like that. I'm not just someone you can dump things on! Our fight isn't over yet, just postponed!_

That was her first thought.

Her next thought was; _Since when was there a secret passageway in my room? And how did he know about it?_

And then she knew.

_Goddamn you, Kamui! Who told you that you could blast a hole through the wall of my room!?_

* * *

Thank you all for reading! For the last few chapters Kamui has disappeared. Anyways, back from his hiatus, the redhead is back again! (After all this is primarily KaguraXKamui after all, but so many people requested OkitaXKagura that I put in a few extra chapters!)

Anyways his scene is short, brief, and unexpected. My friend said it might not be realistic (being that Sorachi-sensei puts Kamui in not giving a shit about Kagura, but this is my version on him!), and I like it. Somehow, I think of Kamui like someone who just drops by, gives you hell, and then leaves. I also think of him as someone who hides his love and just helps Kagura from the back.

Besides, I love the idea of Kamui in Kagura's room and just had to put him there! the next few chapters will be on them, and those of you with OkitaXKagura in their hearts, don't give up! I'm still writing more about them on the side!

Thank you all reviewers and viewers, especially 'realnoobs' and 'sauara' and 'Sadist China Hitsugaya Sofia'! Thank you all! (Even the ones I didn't mention but I know you're there! You know who you are!)

Also, comment from my friend, "isn't a lot of people just randomly appearing in Kagura's bed?"

Yes, yes they are!


	19. Chapter 19

This chapter is just a filler for the next chapter. Chapter twenty would be a helluva mega-chapter! Thank you for reading! Please review!

* * *

Abuto watched as his boss climbed out of the hole he had carved in the wall. Abuto had a bunch of thick blankets to cover the hole with so Kagura won't freeze to death but Kamui beat him to it. He practically ripped the blankets out of Abuto's hands. Then he very arrogantly hung the blankets over the hole that _he himself had made_ and stared proudly at what a good thing he had done.

Back in her room, Kagura wondered how Kamui managed to get his hands on information about her situation. Behind her, a tiny security camera's screen glinted.

Kagura fell back to sleep.

The next morning she woke to the sound of sniffing. Okita had his hands rummaging all over her blanket (and consequently what was under the blanket), picking up hair strands, two of different shades of red, and glaring at them. "Was someone here?" He asked. Kagura punched him and slammed closed her door. Her hand clutched on the tiny packet. She had to put it somewhere safe. And she could not think of anywhere safer.

After she dressed, she met Shinpachi and Gintoki in the living room. Hijikata and Okita had already left, Okita confused that his bombs hadn't gone off. he had promised that none would go off during the night, but who in hell believes him? Someone must have disabled them, and Okita had this idea and he didn't like it. The wall of Kagura's room had a section where the color was just the slightest bit lighter in color, and it wasn't the light, either.

Okita doesn't miss the details. If he did, he'd be six feet under by now.

Kamui boarded on the rocket. The little piece of folded paper that he had given to Kagura wasn't very important at the moment but in the future every man in the universes would be searching for it. All the more reason to keep her head down and quiet, the unknown, unidentified sister of the great King of Yato. But he knew she wouldn't do that. _Stupid_, he thought.

Gintoki set a stack of old _Jump _issues next to the trash can. A blanket was attached to the side of the building he lived in. Gintoki scratched his head. Was that always there? Oh, well. Who cares?

Shinpachi watched as Kagura and Otae discuss girl talk. They were trading different types of punches and rating effectiveness. Girl talk. Shinpachi had better get the hell out of there before they decide to test their punches on him. Usual girls would try to smear make-up on him, but no, he has these two monsters. Kagura demonstrates a kick. Otae claps, and Kyuubei shows them how she uses her sword while sitting down. Kagura laughs and said she wishes that she brought Nobume and Soyo.

Shinpachi went upstairs to draft his will.

Kamui arrived at his destination. The little piece of paper was the last thing he needed for his goal, and before that he needed to tie a few things up and gather a few things. Then he'd put it all together. Kagura would keep the paper until then. She'll wait until then. It won't be long before people start whispering about the treasure and the paper. Kagura would be in danger. Before that, he'd get it done and ready to launch. Before that.

He'd find everything in one day. Just one, if he didn't sleep and pulled an all-nighter. Surely Kagura could keep the paper safe for one day? Definitely. After all, she was one particular yato's daughter.

_Until then, brat._

Abuto watches as Kamui strode purposefully towards the exit of the lobby. Then he suddenly stops and turns back to Abuto, his expression of one that a person may find of a pitiful little kitty.

Shivers crawl down Abuto's back.

"I'm hungry."

The world is doomed. The yato is _hungry_.

Kagura walked along the streets of Kabuki district, her package safe and sound in a place no one would think to look. Others may not even think the place she put it in was safe, but to her it was the safest place ever. After all, with its home-defense system that even puts thumbtacks on the toilets and guarded by the scariest woman alive? Definitely safe.

Of course, before she had hidden the packet in the dojo, she had opened it and looked inside. At she saw was a bunch of unknown runes. It looked like directions. And a list of recipes. Whatever Kamui needed it for, it had better not be a recipe for baking cookies.

Okita sat on the floor of his room at the Shinsengumi station. There was something Kagura was not telling him. Not that he gave a f*ck about her, but her brother may be involved. Whenever Kamui was involved, danger was present, and crimes were commited. He definitely needed to be captured and Okita knew he would be vice-captain if it was Okita that caught Kamui.

And he had idea of how to catch him. Starting with Kagura and whatever she had in that fist of hers this morning.

She wouldn't leave it in the Yorozuya HQ. She would put it in the next place she went... The dojo. Okita stood up. Time to find buried treasure. He left his room, entered the hallway, and looked around. To his right, the exit and the streets. To his left, deeper into the Shinsengumi.

He turned... And walked into the Shinsengumi interrogation room. Yamazaki and Hijikata and the criminals that they were blasting with questions abruptly stopped and stared at him, open-mouthed. Hijikata's cigarette fell out of his mouth.

Okita crouched down and under the table. He lifted the trapdoor and went through the tunnel. For once Kondou had been a help.

"Who was that?" One of the criminals asked. "That was Okita Sougo," Yamazaki said. the two thieves nodded, awed at the sight of the sadist.

But not just the sadist.

"Damn, that was one helluva beautiful bazooka."


	20. Chapter 20

Okita was on his hands and knees, searching through the dirt of the dojo's backyard, looking for signs of recent disturbances. A classic ploy was to dig up a hole and hide the secret inside. That crude, nose-picking, monster of a girl wouldn't have bothered with successful coverage. Therefore, there must be marks of digging in the yard, and all he had to do was find those marks and dig up whatever she had hidden.

But those marks were nowhere to be seen. Surely she didn't have the intelligence to cleverly hide whatever she was holding from _Okita Sougo_?

Kamui watched as an old, shriveled amanto precisely labeled out their route on a map. The lines of the route were clearly outlined into a perfect star. They had found every location, and much sooner than what they had thought as well. Time to retrieve Kagura and the piece of paper.

Explosions echoed through the ship's navigation room. His enemies were throwing bombs at him, but at no avail. This ship had been bought for a pretty penny (actually, a justaway cannon was bought for a pretty penny and Kamui just used that cannon to kick out its former owner, but same thing really), and it isn't going to break to just these measly noisemakers.

But the paint might tear off. "Fire at the assholes," Kamui ordered. The row of seated pilots nodded and turned back to their controls. The little bombs were then dwarfed by huge explosions.

"Set for Earth."

Okita rummaged around Shinpachi's room, flipping books and ruffling clothes. Nothing was here. Where did the damned brat put it? A tiny idea popped into existence in the back of his head. _No, I'm not wrong. She must have put it here. Of course she put it here. Where else would she put it? I'm definitely right. It's somewhere around here._

Okita took out his bazooka. The boy and his sister were not at home. The fastest way to find something was to destroy its hiding place, Okita-style. He lifted his bazooka.

* * *

Gintoki sat on his sofa, length-wise. He was picking his nose and flipping through his _Jump_. Kagura was in the bathroom, probably taking a dump. She was taking a long time though. Shinpachi was taking out the trash, and recycling the last stack of _Jump_ issues.

The doorbell rang. Gintoki looked around. Nobody was getting it. It's probably Shinpachi, back from the trash cans. He has gotten faster. Did he train on running up the stairs with sukonbu packets and bags of toilet paper? Gintoki got up, threw his _Jump _over his shoulder, which then landed on the sofa, and opened the door. Or he made to slide it open and Kamui knocked on it with such force that it tore from its hinges, smashed into Gintoki's face and flattened him.

Shinpachi heard the crash and ran around from the back, still holding the stack of issues by the knot of its rope. "Gin-san? What happened? Kamui! What are you doing here?" Shinpachi was starting to get a bad feeling in his stomach. The last time Kamui came Kagura was sent to the hospital. But before he could move, scream and/or think, somebody punched him hard in the stomach and he passed out.

Abuto caught the body of the boy as he fell. _So weak. Couldn't even take one punch. I remember this kid. He was in a kimono and was the one that made Kagura crack. Did she truly care about these two that much? What did Kagura see in these two idiots?_

Kamui had walked into the Yorozuya. Abuto heard cursing and slamming and explosions. He heard Kagura screaming something along the lines of "can't you see the sign saying bathroom, butthole?"

Kamui walked out, smiling. "She was taking a dump," he said, his voice innocent and self-satisfied. He was grinning a bit more than usual.

Abuto didn't need to ask to know how Kamui found _that_ out.

The King of Yato doesn't knock.

* * *

Okita was about to blast Shinpachi's Otsuu poster to the next universe when a hand reached out of nowhere and held him back. "What are you doing, Idiot!" Hijikata spat into his face. "Don't go around destroying people's property!"

Okita looked at him, his face betraying no sign of troll, and said, "but that's what I usually do."

Before Hijikata could tell him to commit seppuku, they heard footsteps and voices. "I put it in boss lady's house, in Shinpachi's room... Right here."

The door to Shinpachi's room opened to Hijikata and Okita's faces. Okita sighed. Caught in the act.

* * *

The personnel of Kamui's spaceship watched as he walked in with Abuto carrying four knocked-out guys and a little redhead girl. They observed as the hostages were dragged, walked, and/or pushed and pulled to the main room, where no one was present save for an old, deaf navigator.

Kagura pulled out the paper. Kamui slipped it out of her hand before she could say anything or ask any questions. He unfolded it and threw it at the old navigator. Abuto dropped the unconscious Okita, Hijikata, Shinpachi, and Gintoki down in the corner. Hijikata's head hit the floor with a nasty _smack_.

Kagura tried to sweep Kamui's feet from under him and then, when he sidestepped it, flipped over to grabbed his head. He dodged, and she flew over it, crashing into the conked-out body of Okita. She got up, carrying his katana, and ran towards her brother again. "What is going on?" _Slash!_ "What is that paper?" _Swish!_ "If you don't tell me, goddamn you, I will slice off your hair and make a wig for Umibouzo!"

Kamui grabbed the handle of Okita's katana the second she lunged in for another futile try to cut off his balls. He wrestled it off and threw it to the corner. Before Kagura could attack him again, he started to talk.

"There was once a great treasure, said to give an everlasting supply of what the person truly wants. One emperor had that treasure, but one day a thief stole into his great palace, grabbed the treasure, and created a separate dimension to ours, a miniature black-hole, if you want to be specific. After gaining it's power, and after realizing that he would not be able to keep that treasure, he could not bear the thought of anyone else having it as well. He threw the treasure in the black hole, and then sealed it. To make that treasure appear again, to reopen the seal, you would have to follow a very specific route through the galaxies, from place to place, an astral rune, and then the treasure would be separated from the other dimension and fall into this one."

"That paper had the directions to make the astral rune."

Kagura slammed him against the wall. "I don't give a f*ck about the treasure, butthole. You involved Gin-san and Shinpachi. Why did you give the paper to me? Why did you bring me here? And what sort of fairy tale are you trying to pull? That story probably came from _Kodomo no tame sen monogatari_!"

"I just felt like it." Kamui looked at her as if there was nothing wrong with bringing a person light-years away their home just because he felt like it.

Kagura nearly punched his nose in if not for a hand that appeared right out of nowhere and landing heavily on her shoulder. "Quiet. You don't have a role in this anymore. Time for bed, monster. There's a room for you." Abuto picked her up by her ear and walked towards the exit. Kagura nearly started to twist out of his hold but then slumped. Kamui watched them leave. There was more of a reason for bringing her.

_**To find to great treasure, follow these words...**_

_**Be careful. This treasure will curse you and make you prey to those who seek this as well. Keep your loved ones close. **_

Not that she needed to be protected. If he had his way, she would still be back at Earth. Far, far away from him. But, you know, rather safe than sorry. Not that she was a 'loved one'. Not that at all.

_Brat._

* * *

Kagura was dumped roughly on the bed. Abuto, after tossing her on the pillow, walked out and closed the door. The room and the bed was too big and too cold. She liked her room better, with its warmth and enclosed space and darkness. The stars whizzing outside her window as they flew throughout the galaxy and completed the nasal rune or whatever was making her dizzy.

She couldn't sleep. She didn't bother tossing and turning. What would Sadaharu do without her? He was a smart dog, and probably would find the dog food bags in the cupboard. After he ate those, what then? She supposed he would go to Mone and Ane for the time being.

She lay starfish style on the bed, hands and feet spread out. She still couldn't sleep.

About three hours later, disoriented and unable to tell the time, Kagura woke up to sudden warmth. She looked to the right. There was just a flat, empty pillow and a cold blanket that was half on the bed and half out. She looked to the left. Kamui's sleeping face. She looked to the right again. Nothing, just white sheets. She looked to the left again. Kamui, hugging her waist and snoring. Nope, still nothing. Nobody was sleeping with her. She'd better get up now.

Didn't want to miss the unveiling of the treasure. Yep. Gotta get up. Kagura sat up and started to unhook Kamui's hands from herself. Boy, the blankets are tangled today. She pulled on the fingers. They didn't so much as twitch. Kagura pulled the two hands with as much strength as she could muster up without breaking his finger bones and waking the damned monster up. No effect.

"Goddammit, butthole! Leggo, leggo!"

If anything, his grip has gotten tighter. Kagura lifted up her leg and pushed against his face with her foot. Then her foot slipped from his foot and somehow got tangled in the damned blankets. As she struggled, Kamui's weight somehow managed to land right on top of her. Kagura tried to knee him the balls but couldn't exactly get the leverage for it.

Damn, he was heavy! What did he _eat_?!

She couldn't breathe. Okay, that was exaggerating. But her lungs felt like they were being crushed. His hair flick tickled her nose, moving up and down in sync with Kamui's snores, and made her want to sneeze. His hands were still around her waist. Damn you, Kamui, wake up already!

If only she had Okita's permanent marker! This is the perfect chance to draw a mustache on his face! After a few more wiggles, Kagura stopped. She'll just wait until he woke up and then beat the crap out of him.

The goddamned hair flick was still tickling her nose.

But, for no reason that she could understand, she was feeling sleepy. After all, she did sleep fitfully for only a few hours... As she drifted away, Kamui's face took on a slight smile.

So, this is why, when Abuto could not find his boss, and as he walked into Kagura's room, he walked into what seemed like two siblings sleeping together peacefully. Kagura was even chewing on Kamui's hair flick. Kamui looked like he was smiling. They had the same type of snoring.

_Was that how they slept together when they were young?_ he thought. Then he closed the door and walked away.

He knew more than everyone that Kamui hadn't slept for more than twenty-four hours to find all the locations. Or threatening someone else to find the locations. Either way, both of those were hard work. Especially right after fighting against dozens of monsters to get the crinkly yellow directions in the first place. And fending off enemies who wanted the paper and the treasure as well.

But Abuto also knew more than everyone else that Kamui would never fall asleep atop a person by accident. Kagura may be his little weakling sister but she was still a threat. Kamui would never just let down his guard and snooze on a threat.

He was wide awake and Abuto knew it. Kagura probably knew it too, but she let him rest anyway._  
_

The King of Yato doesn't snore.

* * *

Kagura and Kamui sat down at the exact same time at the breakfast table. Kamui had a pad over his left cheek and Kagura had two band-aids on her hand and on her forehead. Kamui's hair flick looked a bit frayed around the edges.

Okita and Hijikata were shot with tranquilizers and tied up somewhere in the ship's cells. Soon they would have to be let go, but not after Kamui had safely got his hands on the treasure. Shinpachi had woken up long before and had already eaten. Gintoki was still conked out in the corner. He was always the late-waker.

Shinpachi gulped and sweat rolled down his face. Abuto had told him to eat breakfast before the two yato came down, and now he realized why. If he was at the breakfast table when those two black-holes were also present, they'd eat him accidentally.

The cooks came out with the huge platters. They lifted the caps to reveal... Crumbs. As soon as the food saw light the two redheads had snatched it out. Maids were running in and out at amazing rates. They were clearly used to working for Kamui. But today they all looked a bit more stressed. Kagura and Kamui cleaned off the plates faster than the cooks could replace them.

Shinpachi's eyes were bugging right out of his face but Abuto just leaned casually on the wall, although he did seem a little taken aback at the increased speed of two yato.

Shinpachi watched as they continued to eat... And eat, and then, they stopped. The whole thing could not have taken more than a few minutes. Kagura and Kamui both had huge stomachs, but in a breath those stomachs disappeared. They looked like they were about to eat some more, much to the dismay to some of the maids (some fainted), but suddenly an alarm rang out.

"The astral rune is finished." Kamui started for the main control room.

_The nasal what?_

Kagura followed Abuto towards the main controls, whatever they were. Shinpachi followed them. Gintoki was forgotten in the corner, snoring and drooling.

The three of them managed to reach the main controls just as the spaceship finally connected with the atmosphere of planet OP-736. The land of the live lilies.

Then they all heard a thundering sound, and it seemed to all the people on the spaceship as if all the gravity in the universes suddenly focused on one point. A hole in a the space's black film seemed to appear, tearing at the edges. A shiny object appeared from that tear, and it streamed brightly through the dark. Then it suddenly jerked and started to speed away from the spaceship, faster than the eye could see.

But the old navigator and Kamui saw. Just a few runes outlined by the shimmering trail of the treasure that faded in an instant, but they saw enough of it to gain a clue to where the tiny spark was heading.

"The land of the silver hair." Kamui said, puzzled, reading what the navigator hurriedly scratched down on a sheet of paper. The navigator scratched his head and spat on the floor. "Maybe it a-going to the chimpanzees of planet Gorilla, they have silver hair."

Kamui turned around and punched the door to the hallway. A huge dent appeared. He continued to smile cheerily. "Old man, if you don't find where it landed, I'll cut off your p*nis and sell it for as a sausage."

The deaf old navigator did not seem to hear a word he had said.

Before Kamui could destroy anymore of his own ship, a very familiar voice echoed into the room.

"Oi, oi! Who just punched a dent in the door just now? I nearly lost my balls right there! Jeez, I can't even open a door now without getting scared... First it blasts open and flattens me... Then a huge dent appears in it... Oi? Anyone in here? Let me in! Where's Shinpachi? And Kagura, you b*stards!"

All members in the main controls except the doddering old coot looked at the source of the noise. Kamui smiled at nothing in particular.

"The land of the silver hair." _Gintoki, the one who slayed Hosen. The nose-picker perm. His home, the Yorozuya..._

"Set for Earth!"

* * *

I actually planned at first for Okita to show up more, but then I postponed his troll moment to the next chapter. Thank you for reading! Please review!

The next chapter would probably wrap this up, and then the following one would probably be about Kamui and Kagura's past...

Thank you all! I finally made it to the 20th chapter! (TT~TT) *so emotional!*

NOTE FROM ELLEN1804; _Kodomo no tame sen monogatari _literally translates to 'thousand stories for kids'

NOTE FROM THE MAYO FANATIC; This guy jumps completely out of nowhere, keeps Okita from blasting off his giant bazooka, and where does he come from, without Okita noticing? My normal answer would be wherever Kondou or Sachan pops out of in Gintama (either under the table or that section between the floorboards and the real dirt), but this is the real answer... The mayo king can teleport using his mayobulous powers!

NOTE FROM THE SADIST; The giant bazooka is still in Shinpachi's room.


	21. Chapter 21

Shinpachi twisted the knob of the door to the main control room. Gintoki ran in as fast as he could, smashing the door into Shinpachi and breaking his nose and cracking his glasses. Gintoki was wildly swinging his wooden sword around. He stopped when he realized that nobody attacking him, he sheathed the katana and started to look around the room.

"What in the world is going on? Why do I keep on losing my balls to doors? Where's Kagura? Where's Shinpachi?" Then the ship lurched. Kamui fell on Kagura and she fell on Gintoki. Gintoki was flattened, Kagura got headbutted in the stomach, and Kamui got a black eye.

The old navigator hung lopsidedly on a chair. He was laughing like crazy , and shouting orders into a microphone. "Set for Earth! Full steam ahead! To the terminal of Edoooo~!"

Abuto was flat against the wall, in a face-plant. The rocket twisted and flipped over, evading asteroids and small planets. This time Kamui was squashed by Kagura and it was Gintoki who fell on top of Kagura. And it was Gintoki who got a black eye.

Shinpachi was sliding across the floor, his glasses lost and his nose bleeding. Abuto was separated from his earlier face-plant, flipped over, and floated for a moment, only to experience to a sudden gravity reintroduction, and another face-plant. Kamui was smiling.

"Everybody strap in your seatbelts," he said calmly. Kagura grabbed his braid to keep from flying off. Gintoki smashed into the door. Shinpachi was inching closer to one of the chairs. Abuto had crash-landed in a store-room. "You b*stard!" Kagura yelled into his ear, "tell us that before you set for full-speed, goddammit!"

The old navigator cackled. Shinpachi managed to drag himself into the chair next to him and put on his cracked, bent glasses. "Slow down!"

The old navigator looked at him and blinked. "I can't hear you!" Shinpachi gritted his teeth and turned green as the rocket turned 90 degrees to the left to avoid a few comets. "You heard Kamui when he said to set for full steam ahead!"

"Set for full steam ahead? Okay!" The old navigator reached for a big red button.

Shinpachi went white. "No! No! Don't push the big red button!"

The navigator pressed down on the button with one dirty fingernail.

-Flash of blinding white light-

A very bashed up, tired-looking, and messy-looking Shinpachi, Gintoki, and Kagura walked out of the Terminal. Kamui had just ran off after the rocket landed, followed by a bandaged Abuto. He was holding a weird GPS or radiation detector that he used to try to locate the recent break of the atmosphere. Kamui knew it was somewhere in Edo, but had no idea where the treasure was.

He had broken three of the GPS-thingamajigs before he got the idea that _maybe to press a button you don't have to also break it in half by accident_.

Then he had leaped on a few roofs, ran around holding the GPS above his head like a kid and laughing, and then slamming into a traffic light. The traffic light then broken into three sections but Kamui wasn't even fazed, but just continued running towards where the beeping of his GPS said to go.

Shinpachi and Gintoki knew that they had to move out and pack their bags before he destroyed Edo. They raced back to the Yorozuya HQ. Kagura followed closely behind. They ran up the stairs, and Gintoki's hand reached for the door, but then it stopped halfway. He turned to Shinpachi. "Oi, Shinpachi. You open the door."

Shinpachi looked at him, shadows lining his face. He stretched his face into a bare approximation of a smile. "No, no, you can open it, Gin-san. After all, this is your rented place." Gintoki scratched his head and picked his nose. "No, no, every single time I open the damned door it tries to take out my balls. Fate doesn't hate my guts but it hates my man-berries. You open the door."

Shinpachi shook his head. "Coward! Why do you leave it to the children..."

Kagura pushed them both off the balcony, pushing them with such force that she landed them both a neat face-plant three feet into the ground. "You two are both cowards!" Then she turned to the Yorozuya HQ and started for the door...

And the door cracked in two. It fell apart, and a foot was visible. The foot that kicked the door and broke it in half.

Kamui smiled happily at Kagura, holding up yet another cracked GPS. "I found the treasure!"

* * *

Gintoki and Shinpachi sat on one sofa, and Kamui sat on the other. Abuto was standing in the back of the room. Kagura was trying to kill Kamui.

So! Everyone present. Let's get down to business.

Shinpachi looked at what was on the hurriedly-cleared table. A tiny cat statue sat in the middle of it. (You know, the good luck Chinese ones that waves its arms up and down and is gold and painted and everything!) "That's the treasure?" The cat statue looked like something you picked up at a 99-yen store for 300 yen. It even have a small solar panel thingy at its base. The hand waved up and down, up and down.

Kamui was busy trying to stretch Kagura's cheeks and she was too busy trying to gouge out his eyeballs. Neither heard Shinpachi's words. "So this is the fabled treasure... What does it do?" Abuto, upon realizing that his boss was occupied, stepped in. "It was told to give you anything you desire at the moment."

Gintoki snapped to attention. "Really? let me try." He touched the kitty on the tail. Nothing happened. The hand waved up and down. Gintoki picked his nose, and then he pressed the hand down.

A tiny slot on the bottom of the cat slid out. In it was a folded bill. Kagura and Kamui stopped fighting. They froze in the weirdest position, with Kagura on Kamui's lap and holding his braid, her hands ready to poke out his eyes and Kamui's hands around her neck, ready to squeeze.

Gintoki took out the folded bill. 1,000 yen bill. Tears ran down Gintoki's face. "T-This!"

Okita snatched it from behind his back. "Don't illegally make money. That's illegal. Your punishment is to be blasted illegally with my bazooka." Kagura glared at him, her attention off her brother but still perched on his lap, and said, "How did you get here?"

Okita smirked. "I woke up in this room, but some really rocky piloting of the rocket got me close to a knife, and the rest you can figure out in hell, China." He raised his bazooka and Kamui raised his umbrella. But before either could shoot, a hand reach out and shoved Okita's bazooka to the side.

Hijikata appeared from the shadows. He looked over at the cat statue. "The fabled treasure, eh?"

Kamui stood up. "Damn. The police are involved now, and that means I need to get going. " He pressed the hand, and something slid out the slot. He looked at it, and then put it in his pocket, faster than anyone else could see what it was. "It's useless. I should have known. Silver nose-picker, you can have it!" Then he ran...

Towards Kagura's room.

He opened the door, slid the fake wall out, and jumped through. Abuto ran through the door, pushing his way past Okita and Hijikata, using the moment of confounded silence and shock to escape.

The five remaining people sat on the sofas, around the table, looking at Kamui's escape route and Kagura. Okita smirked. "Anyone visiting your bed at night, China?"

Someone gets punched in the face.

* * *

They sat around the sofa, Okita rubbing his black eye. Gintoki held up the bill up to the light. "It's fake," he says. "The cat really is useless." Kagura pushed him aside. "Maybe it just doesn't do money, you greedy butthole." She pressed down the hand. A little box of sukonbu slid out. She opened it and stuck the seaweed into her mouth.

"Ew! It's not sour at all!" She spat it out.

Hijikata pressed down the hand. "Many people like regular seaweed." A mayonnaise bottle slid out of the slot. Kagura and Okita slammed his head into the wall, creating a huge hole and splatters of blood. "Mayo-fanatic!"

Shinpachi pressed down the hand of statue. A tiny doll came out. It was the Otsuu life-sized doll... Key-chain style. Kagura and Okita slammed Shinpachi's head into the wall, creating more cracks and more splatters of blood... Although Shinpachi's already had a nosebleed at the sight of removable clothing of the doll. "Otaku!"

When they were all seated again, Gintoki reading _Jump_ because he wasn't interested in anything that didn't mean the increase of money, Okita pressed down the hand. A tiny letter slid out, addressed to Okita Sougo.

Everyone watched carefully. What does the great Sadist really wanted, what he most wanted? Okita opened the envelope and read carefully the words inside.

"Dear Okita Sougo, I have very sorrowful news. Hijikata has passed away mysteriously and therefore you are given the rank of vice-captain. His funeral is at XXXXX Cemetery at XX:XX. Good luck on your new duties, vice-captain. Kondou."

Dead silence.

_As expected..._

Hijikata sprayed Okita with mayonnaise that was previously in his mouth. "B*stard! Hijikata dies mysteriously? You want to kill me!"

"Oh, no, I will never think of doing something like that-"

"Who do you think you're trying to fool?!"

Gintoki noticed something else in the slot. "Oi, oi, there's something else in here! It says... Dear Okita Sougo, I am very sorry to inform you of the death of Kagura-"

Kagura snatched the paper out of Gintoki's read the rest, ripped it to pieces, and turned to Okita, her hand squeezing into a fist and a red light started to flicker on the edges of her eyes. "You damned butthole! Do you think I would die from just _that_?! Why do you want me to die like _that_ anyway, Sadist!?"

Hijikata was lifting Okita up by his collar. Kagura was reaching for her umbrella.

Okita sighed.

"Oh, boy."

* * *

Thank you for reading! Please review! (Kagura's letter will be revealed in a later chapter!)


	22. Chapter 22

Kamui sat on the side of his bed. He reached into his pocket. He pulled out a little piece of paper. "I knew it wouldn't have worked." What he wanted could never come true. Life doesn't work that way.

Or at least death didn't.

There was a chandelier hanging over his bed. He leaped up, smashed open one of the ornate gold lamps and took out the candle on the inside. It was lit, and hot wax dripped on his hand but he didn't flinch. He took the candle and lit the photo. Fire started to inch across the photo.

There were four faces on the photo. One had black hair and three had red hair. There were two redhead children holding up fireworks. The father was holding a huge umbrella, shading them from the rain, and keeping the fireworks from fizzing out. The mother's face was unclear, but she was leaning on the father heavily, her hand around his shoulders.

They were all smiling, but three of the smiles were tinged with sadness. The little redhead girl smiled the brightest. Fireworks made her hair shine and her eyes sparkle. The son was awkwardly trying to keep the fireworks under control. The little girl was holding the firework's sparks so close to her face that her hair was in serious danger of catching on fire. But she didn't care.

_But I did, _Kamui thought as he remembered sweeping Kagura off her feet right after and telling her to keep the dangerous fireworks at arm's length. But she continued to hold them close. And then she tried to light his hair on fire.

The candle burned down the photo, until wisps of smoke was spiraling off of his hand and into the air. There was a tiny burn mark on his thumb. He didn't even notice it.

_Run, run faster! Gotta get home, just get home and drop her there and then I can fight. _Kamui looked down at the tiny bundle in his arms as he ran towards his home. "Ka-chan, why are we running? Did I do something bad? I wanted to go to the park with Ka-chan too! Why can't I go to the park with Ka-chan?"

Kamui grimaced. Five pairs of footsteps rang out from behind him. Where he went was not a park. Umibouzo was late to come home again. They needed money. For food, for rent... For medicine.

For a yato boy, being a gladiator was just an easy way to get some easy money.

Until he started to want to pull out of the dirty business. And they started to want him to stay. And to kill. A little girl, a little more than the girl who followed him to "the park" and ruined everything. Kamui leaped from roof to roof. Their home was still a mile away. His yato strength made Kagura about the weight of the clothes that she was wearing, but after running at top speed for five miles he was starting to feel strained. Light sweat soaked his clothing, mixing with the light drizzle that constantly showered over the planet.

The five pairs of heavy footsteps were still catching up to him. Five fully-grown experienced men who hadn't ever lost a fight on his tail and he had a kid in his arms. He leaped across another roof, ran some, and then suddenly dropped onto the street, running across for a few streets, and then hiding in an alley. Hopefully the rain and the mist would cover his scent.

The alley was bare except for a few wooden boards and a few glass bottles. He crouched down at the bigger boards, and put Kagura in the corner, and made a lean-to over her. "Stay here, Kagura. I'm going to come back and pick you up later, okay? Stay here and don't move!" Then he turned to run and get the men off Kagura's trail.

But he was too slow. The gladiator guards were already lined up, blocking the escape route. "Nowhere to run, Kamui," said the leader of the five, distinguished only by a scar across his forehead.

Kamui didn't know his name so he simply called him Frankenstein's B*stard (FB for short!). His two henchmen were Dog-face and Rat-face. His other two henchmen had names but Kamui forgot them. So he called them Oroka and Baka. It suited them. Frankenstein's B*stard swaggered over to him, spitting into the corner.

"Kamui, did you really think you could just join and quit-" Kamui smashed his foot into his face, pushed off it, flipped off the wall, and smashed Baka straight into the brick wall. Blood and goop squirted out. The brick wall now had a hole punched straight through. One out for the count.

Kamui turned around, and got punched in the stomach by Dog-face. Kamui headbutted him and smashed him into the wall opposite Baka. Two out for the count.

This time he didn't even get to turn around. Taking the moment that his back was turned, Rat-face had run him through the stomach with a katana. He was the only gladiator guard who used a weapon instead of his fists. That made him more dangerous, because he was _smart_.

He was probably the only reason the five of them managed to find him in the alley in the first place. Rats were known to be able to smell out fear.

FB lifted Kamui's face and punched him. FB's own nose was bleeding from Kamui's kick. "I was making a speech there, lowlife, and when I make a speech, you listen, got it, _Kamui_?"

Kamui spat onto his face.

Frankenstein's B*stard slammed his head into the wall. "We can't let you live, or you might spill to the police. Don't say that you won't tell the police. Once anyone starts being a gladiator, they don't stop being a gladiator until they die, you got it? Now you're going to die. Say hello to the devil for me-"

A tiny hand tugged of Frankenstein-in-training's trousers. "That was so lame. 'Say hello to the devil for me' is so lame. You should do it like this;"

Kagura grabbed his ankle and twisted. _Crackkk_. He went down with a _thump_, out from the pain before he hit the floor. "Buy me a packet of sukonbu in hell for me, will yaaa?" She said dramatically in a mock-deep husky voice.

Kagura pulled Kamui's bloody torso away from Rat-face's grip and Oroka's blank look. She spread him out on the floor, inspecting his wound and the katana in his stomach. "Ka-chan, Ka-chan, I can see the rice you had for breakfast. Is that good or bad? Ka-chan? Are you oh-kay?"

Rat-face laughed. "The youngest and greatest gladiator of all time laying there after one hit, pathetic!" Oroka laughed dully along with him.

She turned to the sounds and walked towards Rat-face and Oroka, her fists clenched. "You're mean! You made Kamui bleed!" She ran over to Rat-face... Only to be picked up by the collar. Rat-face put his face directly in front of hers. "You're pretty strong, little girl. You'd make a good gladiator. Would you like that, Kamui?"

Kagura wiggled and flailed in Rat-face's grip. Kamui tried to speak but he had no strength. Blood was choking his throat and his vision was dim. _Goddamn you! Let her go!_

Rat-face smirked and kicked Kamui right in his wound. Kamui spat out blood. "Well, we might have lost a gladiator and got three guards out today but this little girl is one helluva strong 'un. People always do like the girls more, eh?" He nudged Oroka.

Oroka huffed an approximation of a laugh.

Rat-face started to say something but at that moment Kagura bit into his hand. Rat-face screamed. Kagura twisted her hand. _Crick-crack. _Rat-face let go and Kagura dropped and slammed into the floor, laying crumpled there at the shock of impact. Oroka watched as Rat-face cursed at his broken wrist. "Grab her already, Oroka!" Rat-face started to retrieve his katana from Kamui when he heard glass breaking and an ominous thump.

Oroka slumped on the ground where Kagura used to be. What used to be a empty green-glass wine bottle was spread all over his head. Blood streaked down all sides of his face. Kagura was nowhere to be seen.

Rat-face walked over to Kamui, sweating and shaking. "What sort of sister do you have, you damn monster!" He put his foot on the unconscious Kamui and pressed down on his face, kicking up gravel onto his braid. Something shifted behind him.

Rat-face turned around, tensing up, his attention off Kamui. "Don't you come any closer! Or I'll kill your brother!" The swishing noise of Kagura's ripped, bloody yellow dress stopped.

Then a hand gripped Rat-face's leg. _Crickkk... Crackkk_. When your enemy's back is turned and he is distracted, that is when you take advantage.

"You know, that monster of a girl has to learn from someone, right?" Kamui smiled up to the surprised face of Rat-face as he crumpled to the ground. The healing properties of the yato had kicked in. He still felt like someone had run him in but he wasn't close to dying. Kagura had bought him the time he needed. He got up to a knee.

Kagura ran out from behind the corner of the building. "Ka-chan!" She yelled as she ran towards him, arms-open. Kamui stopped her at arm's-length, holding her away by placing two firm fingers on her forehead. "Don't get any closer. You'll get bloody again." Kagura pushed his fingers off her forehead and ran straight into his chest. "No, no! I don't care if I'm bloody. I want you to carry me home. My dress is already bloody anyway."

Kamui stood up and pulled the katana from his stomach. Kagura went white, then green, then blue from lack of air despite her open mouth. Kamui laughed. He had gotten by with worse. "Let's go home. Mother is going to be mad." _But..._

He pulled out a cloth bag from around his neck. "I have money. Let's go buy the medicine."

Kagura smiled up at him and asked, "After that can we go buy food?"

"Yeah, after that we'll buy food."

"Ka-chan, I got a new vocabulary word from mommy today! It's ad-mi-re. I asked her what it was and she said it means to res-pect someone but I don't know what that means either... But, I ad-mi-re Ka-chan! I wanna be just like him!"

Kamui looked down at her. "Are you sure? Are you sure you know what admire means?" _You don't want to be like me, Kagura.__  
_

"No."

"..."

"But mommy said ad-mi-re was something good!"

* * *

Admit it. You said Kagura's little baby voice with this high-pitched baby girl cutie voice.

Thank you for reading, please review!

NOTE; Oroka is 'stupid' and Baka is 'fool/idiot'


	23. Chapter 23

Shinpachi opened the door to his room, after a long day at the Yorozuya and a long dinner of omelets with his sister. He didn't know which one left him more close to death. Actually he did.

Those omelets could _kill_.

He looked at what was on his rug, in front of his writing desk. Okita's bazooka gleamed menacingly. Shinpachi froze. _What? Didn't he come back here and pick it up and bring it to blast Kagura and Kamui with? Why is it still here?_

Shinpachi looked at it carefully. It was a little bigger than the one that Okita aimed at Kagura at the Yorozuya. Shinpachi gulped and breathed in. He'll just go back to the kitchen, grab the dish-washing gloves, and pick the bazooka up and walk to the Shinsengumi. If he so much as got a fingerprint on it Okita would kill him. He stepped back.

Beep! The bazooka zoomed on him. Shinpachi froze. He left it on automatic! Unless he didn't want to die Shinpachi couldn't move a hair. The bazooka would get deactivated in half an hour or so. Sweat rolled down Shinpachi's face. His glasses slid down slowly. He had an itch on the base of his neck where his hair was tickling his collar. He wanted to scratch that itch, so badly.

His glasses were slipping. He had to move. He just had to.

_Damn you, Sadist! Goddamn you!_

Gintoki swept up pieces of paper from the floor with Tama's broom. After they realized that the treasure was a fake, Gintoki had stashed it in the attic, left to gather dust. Okita and Hijikata left, saying that they should put them under surveillance because of Kamui's secret love-hole with... But in short, Kagura punched them up a bit and threw them off the balcony and they didn't say anything after that.

Gintoki looked down at the trash he swept out from under the sofa. Some ripped paper. Okita's letter about Kagura! Gintoki picked them up. Then he reached for some tape, leaving the broom laying on its side on the floor.

Gintoki taped up the letter. When finished, it said something along the lines of...

Dear Okita Sougo,

I am very sorry to inform you of the death of Kagura. She had passed away tragically due to a series of unfortunate reasons. As -ripped part- she slipped on a piece of sukonbu, slid out to the balcony, hit her head on it, flipped out over it, -another ripped part- landed on the highway, and got run over by a truck. Her funeral is at XXXXX Cemetery and at XX:XX. Coincidentally it is the same time and site as Hijikata's funeral.

Sincerely yours, Gintoki

Gintoki looked at the paper with his dead fish eyes. The other pieces were too small or too crumpled to read. He had an idea of what they said, though. _Slipping on sukonbu? Run over by a truck?..._

Kagura opened the door to the living room, back from her late bath. Gintoki snatched up the paper and it in the nearest place available... His mouth. If Kagura saw that he had read the letter he might as well just dig a hole six feet into the ground and label it 'reserved for Sakata Gintoki'.

Kagura walked over to him, in his bathrobe. "Gin-san, we didn't have any more of my shampoo so I had to use yours. Now my hair feels all curly. How does it look?" Her hair was wrapped up in a towel. She unwrapped the towel. Gintoki shoved the paper to his left cheek. "Umf? I don't see any difference..."

Her hair was completely normal but for one curl on her forehead. A hair-flick just like Kamui's. Gintoki choked on the paper and nearly hacked it up but for Kagura staring at him. "What are you eating, Gin-san?" Gintoki shook his head. "N-nothing." Kagura jumped on his lap and pulled on his cheeks. "I know you're eating something. You have something in your mouth. What is it?"

Gak.

Gintoki swallowed the paper. He felt like throwing up. "You greedy butthole! I know it was something good! You ate it all, just for yourself, pig!"

Gintoki nodded dully at Kagura's rant. Her hair flick bounced up and down. "Uh... Kagura, go look in the mirror." Kagura looked at him weirdly, but did as she was told, for once.

"Gaaah! C-cut it off! Ah! Gin-saaan! I'm turning into a monsterrrrr! I look like a monsterrrrr!"

Gintoki reached for his katana and told Kagura to stay still. He cut off the hair flick. Kagura reached up and touched where it used to be. "Whew, it's gone." Then she turned around and went off to dress and get Sadaharu back from Mone and Ane.

Unknown to her, two hair flicks sprung up from where the old one used to be.

Shadows start to line Gintoki's face. He opened his phone and dialed 1-800-YATO-EHC, (Yato Extreme Hair Care) and got voice mail.

* * *

Okita stared at the wall. He had forgotten where he had put his bazooka. He might have left it on automatic. Was that something he should worry about? He must have left it at Shinpachi's house, when Kamui and Kagura punched him and Hijikata into oblivion. Would they be smart enough to deactivate it? Did they know how to deactivate one? Kamui did have to have knowledge of weapons, but they mostly just stuck to umbrellas, and he was more of a "hit-punch-and-kick" kind of guy.

Not that his technique wasn't effective. Okita imagined what would happen if his automatic bazooka blasted Kagura to oblivion. Surely he wouldn't be blamed. After all, he didn't pull the trigger. Surely they didn't blame it on him...?

Shinpachi opened the door to Okita's office. His face was blank and deadpan.

Apparently not.

Shinpachi's hair was toasted to an Afro and his face was blackened. Smoke was rising out of his nose and his ears. He lifted the bazooka, aimed at Okita, and fired.

KA~BOOM!

* * *

Kagura walked along the street, going to the priest's house to find Sadaharu. Okita walked along the street as well, on his patrol. They looked at each other, reached for their respective weapons, and burst into laughter.

"Oi, oi! Sadist! That's one nice Afro you got there!"

Okita scowled. "It was the damned otaku glasses guy. Apparently he found my bazooka in his room on automatic. Besides, what about your hair? Are you trying to copy your brother?"

Kagura reached up and touched her forehead. Two hair flicks bounced.

"Gah!" Kagura pulled the two hair flicks off. "What was in the damn shampoo anyway? Does Gintoki use the same damned shampoo that Kamui uses? Why does it give me a hair flick?" She turned to Okita, who was shaking in the corner, tears flowing freely down his face. "What's so funny?" He pointed to her hair.

She reached up and found the four hair flicks that had sprung up. Before she could do anything, Okita stood up and unsheathed his katana. "I'll cut it for you," he said and swung his katana towards Kagura, aiming to chop off her neck.

Kagura reached up and broke his katana into mere metal pieces. Blood dripped down her hand, but she didn't even notice. She licked it off. Kagura reached up, tore off her hair clips and braided her hair.

Kagura looked straight at Okita and raised her umbrella.

Okita felt chills go down his back. This is not Kagura.

* * *

Gintoki sat in the shower, the water spraying his hair and running down his back. He reached for his shampoo. He's been using the same brand for a few years now, ever since the last Yorozuya disbanded. He flipped it around and read the directions. Normal. What would make Kagura grow a hair-flick?

They he saw, in very very small letters, a few words that made the water in the shower freeze into ice blocks, skittering down his back.

JOKE/TRICK ITEM!

SPECIAL EDITION: ONLY ONE: LUCKY BUYER

_WARNING: DO NOT USE ON YATO- effect is multiplied_

_-if contacted, wash the shampoo out of their hair at once-_

_Effect; personality switch- most tested subjects show characteristics of the one they have the strongest feelings for, be it hate/love_

Gintoki felt the water's temperature drop to about -100 degrees Fahrenheit. "Bullshit!"

"Kaguuura!" _Where was she?! Who did she think was the worst? The police? Will she turn into Okita Sougo? Hair flick... Kamui?! Shit!_

So this is why, as Sachan was walking home from shopping, carrying bags of natto, did she see...

Gintoki running down the street, barefoot and dripping wet, stark naked but for a towel around his crotch.

* * *

Starting a new plot now! Thank you for reading!

Please review! (I've actually planned for him to really run out stark naked, but then I figured that would get this story canceled and rated M, so there he is, only one 16 inch by 20 inch towel away from streaking.)


	24. Chapter 24

Gintoki ran down the street. His hair was poofing up and drying in the sun, but water still ran down his chest. He was barefoot, and people stared at him as he ran past. He was gripping his wooden katana so tightly that his hands had splinters. The towel was slipping.

Sachan fainted.

And Gintoki ran up to her and tripped over her, slamming into her and on the sidewalk.

Tsukuyo opened the door of the convenience store that she was buying rice from. As she walked out, her foot bumped into something. A nearly-naked Gintoki on top of an unconscious Sachan. She looked down once, turned around, and walked back into the store. Gintoki watched as she asked for the biggest hammer they've got.

"Wait... It's not what you think!" Then something crashing to the floor jolted Gintoki out of his situation.

He stood up, leaped over Sachan's body, and ran towards where a traffic light had been snapped in half like it was a toothpick and picked up like it was a tree branch. Then the traffic light came down and smashed Okita right into the sidewalk. Kagura lifted the pole from the hole that it had made, and looked at Okita who was in the hole, and who was bleeding from multiple sources of blood and had more than a few broken bones. She slammed the pole right back down.

But the pole exploded into chunks that flew around and bloomed into a cloud of dust. Gintoki walked out from the swirling clouds...

And would have made quite a dashing, heroic figure if his towel wasn't drooping and his hand had to hold it up, unless I am willing to change the rating of this fanfic to M.

And the fact that dust was collecting and smearing his face and sticking to the wet parts of the body. By the time he got out of the clouds, he looked like a mud monster and felt like he was covered in drying cement.

Kagura grabbed a walk/don't walk sign and cracked its pole. She lifted it up. She started to aim at Gintoki. Sweat rolled down his face and washed off some dust. He wiped his face and smeared the gray dust and coughed. The traffic pole was old. A shadow loomed over him and he looked up and braced for an impact with a 500-lb metal pole.

"Why are you always breaking traffic poles? Does Kamui have something for traffic poles? Do you hate traffic poles? Don't break public property, goddammit!"

Gintoki squeezed his eye shut. BOOM!

He cracked open on eye. Hijikata walked in carrying a big-ass bazooka. "This is Okita's, right? I'm here to return it to him. Where is he?"

Gintoki pointed to a gravelly lump on the side of a building. There was a gravestone on it labeled "here lies Sadist-o".

Hijikata went over to it and sighed. "I always knew you were going to die on the battlefield, fool. Oh, well, if Okita is in another world at least he isn't in this one. Have peace in mayo-paradise." He placed the bazooka on the side of the lump of dust and gravel... Only for it to be snatched away by a dusty hand. Okita adjusted the bazooka, flipped it over his shoulder, and blasted Hijikata to oblivion.

"What the f*ck is mayo-paradise anyway? Is it heaven for the insane or something? Oh, and don't let your guard down, vice-captain." He snickered, and then turned to blast off at Kagura... Only to be slammed into the wall by the thrown body of Gintoki.

Kagura lifted the pole and brought it down. Gintoki leaped out of the way, and Okita leaped out the other way. They skidded to a stop at two other traffic poles. An idea popped into their minds at the exact same time and they nodded at each other.

Okita blasted the base of the pole with his bazooka, and Gintoki sawed through it with a construction worker's chainsaw that he had picked up. Then Gintoki and Okita both kicked at their respective poles at Kagura.

The two poles smashed down, each pinning down one shoulder.

Gintoki brushed off his... Nonexistent clothing. The towel had fallen, dusty and dirty into the construction worker's dug up hole and sank under the cement. Gintoki lost all color and looked down. A child passing by pointed at him. "Mommy? Is he going to take a bath?" The woman shrieked and covered her kid's eyes, and ran off, pulling the kid with her.

Okita's Afro was long gone, although he looked beat up and had blood dribbling out the corner of his mouth. His clothes were torn up. He walked over to Kagura. He looked down at her. The four hair flicks were still there. "Oi, perm-hair, when is this going to wear off?"

Gintoki walked over, wearing a construction worker's uniform. A naked construction worker ran into a store in the background. "Well, it said about an hour, and..."

Nearby, a clock chimed another hour.

Kagura started to shift. She reached out with her two hands, and crushed the poles to rubble by just squeezing them. She stood up, and swayed towards Okita. Okita shifted into a stance and lifted his bazooka, aiming right at her face.

Her head snapped up and she punched Okita's bazooka into a hundred pieces. She was smiliing. She pushed him onto the ground and climbed on him, grabbing a sharp rock that was laying on its side and was about to stab his face in when something shook through her system. Tears started to flow out of her eyes, but her smile was still on her face.

She dropped the rock and suddenly slumped. Okita watched as she fell slowly and... Slammed her head into his stomach._ G-gah! Br-broken ribs! Get the brat offa me! Her head is as heavy as lead!_

Kagura started to snore.

Behind them, chaos reigned and loudspeakers blared, but the two of them were in their own little world.

And one of them was taking out his permanent marker.

* * *

Gintoki walked along the street, leading Sadaharu home and making sure he didn't crap/pee/vomit/chew on, at, off, anyone. It was a hard task, but he had it mostly under control.

SPLAT~

Mostly.

Both Okita and Kagura were sent to the Shinsengumi station. Apparently, if you were hurt enough to be unconscious, that was when you got sent to the O-Edo General Hospital. If you could stay awake, no charges were deducted from your pay, and you got to stay at the Shinsengumi station.

One time use only... That shampoo... It looked a bit different when he took it off the shelf but he didn't know why. Surely nobody would dare sabotage the hair of Sakata Gintoki? Anyways, he had thrown the bottle out. He definitely didn't want Kagura to unleash her monster side.

Then he thought of her 'regular' side. Which one was the monster? He really couldn't figure out. At least when she was fighting she wasn't eating. He thought of Kamui. Which one would he rather be faced with? Kamui wanting to eat or Kamui wanting to fight?

Well, obviously the hungry Kamui. He would eat anything in that state.

He was wearing a robe that he had got at Mone and Ane's place. It was bit too big, but that was okay.

Sadaharu was chewing on an old man while Gintoki's attention wandered.

Okay, good boy, c'here, let's continue on home.

Wait...

He was what?!

* * *

Kagura woke up in another unfamiliar place. And she woke up with another unfamiliar person. Okita slept next to her with his hand on his bazooka. She jolted away from him. His sleeping mask was on. She lifted off her blanket, and was about to get out when she noticed what she was wearing. She was wearing a set of pajamas labeled Sadist on the tag (smallest size that they could find).

The clothing hung loosely. She felt small. Okita was in his rumpled work uniform. He had nearly a maze of bandages all around his arms and torso. Kagura had a faint memory of causing those injuries. Her head hurt. She can't remember what happened. But she knows that she lost. Lost to her blood. What made it rise up? No one was even in danger! It was easier to call up now, like it was just under her skin.

She was afraid of the day when she finally cracked and lost the war. She didn't know what to do then. Gintoki would surely be able defeat her if he tried, but will he? Will he really go full-out on his friend? She didn't know if she wanted him to kill her or not.

She looked over at Okita. The simple life- what would she give to have one. To just bash up and beat up and get bashed and beaten up. To fight with passion and to not lose yourself to it.

Okita's bazooka gleamed.

Some boys would sleep with a stuffed animal but no...

Kagura got up and walked out of the room. She walked into the corridor. She needed to use the bathroom. She needed to get the pajamas off. They might be planted with bombs, and besides, the shirt reeked his smell; gunpowder and sweat. The thick scent of it was choking her. Good god, even his _smell_ could kill.

She walked down the corridor and into the bathroom. They only had a men's bathroom, but she didn't care. She was a boy at heart.

Gintoki smelled like sugar and sweetness and fresh... Fresh something. Like honor and justice and something hidden.

Shinpachi smelled like laundry and plastic, like good soap. Like hard work and truth, deadpan punchlines and smart comebacks.

Boss lady smelled like ash and eggs and fun. Like strength and power and something no one could pull away from.

Tsukuyo smelled like fire and scars and metal. She smelled like independence and perfume. When she got mad, she smelled like gleaming kunais and black smoke. Her smell was a bit thick by herself, but mixed with Gintoki's, it actually came out pretty well.

Hijikata smelled like mayonnaise and cigarettes. Yamazaki smelled like anpan and Kondou smelled like bananas and cute stupidity. He smelled like strength too, but also of weakness in a way. That was why he attracted strong people like Hijikata, Okita, and maybe even Otae.

Umibouzo smelled like fake hair and different shampoos and different soaps. He smelled like hiding and running. He smelled like fear and regret. He smelled like bravery and sacrifice and cowardice at the same time. He smelled like not being able to deal with what was presented to him.

Kamui smelled like blood. He smelled like blood and death and violence. Like smiles and killing and red. He smelled like home.

Kagura sighed, washed her hands in the sink, and rubbed her face. When she looked at her hands again, they were smeared with black.

This isn't what she thought it was, yes?

"Okita, you bastard!"


	25. Chapter 25

The Shinsengumi watched as the food at the breakfast mess hall table disappeared, all down one throat. Okita sat opposite Kagura and watched as she performed the infamous "yato black hole" on what used to be the officer's breakfast.

The only plate she didn't touch was Hijikata's.

He squelched more mayonnaise on his plate. It overflowed, and crawled across the table. Okita watched it calmly. So it has finally evolved- the Hijikata mayonnaise supreme! So _thick_ it's _alive_!

Hijikata speared the blob with his chopstick and stuffed it in his mouth. A small bit of runny mayonnaise squirted out the side of his mouth and a little bit sprayed on Kagura's cheek. She stopped eating and turned green.

The door to the breakfast room opened. A mailman stepped through and said, "is Okita Sougo here?" Okita raised his hand. The mailman tossed him a big packet of red cards and pink boxes. Okita smirked. Females who he had unintentionally saved while doing his job. They are so needy. He opened the first box. A box of chocolates, and it wasn't even a holiday. He took one and popped it in his mouth, turning to Kagura. Surely the greedy b*tch would be jealous of his chocolates...

Kagura was disgustedly rubbing mayonnaise off her face, her attention elsewhere. "Ew, you mayo-fanatic! Keep your damned mayonnaise to yourself, goddammit!" Hijikata looked at her, watching her ineffectually smearing mayonnaise all over the faint outlines of what Okita had written on her face. "That's a waste of mayonnaise." He (who was sitting next to her) leaned over and licked off the last smear of mayonnaise.

The box of chocolates crumpled in Okita's hand.

As soon as the mayonnaise was done and cleaned off of her, she and Hijikata continued to stuff their faces with their chosen foods, mayonnaise-covered rice or anything in sight besides anything that could kill, for example mayonnaise-covered rice. Then both she and Hijikata felt a cold shadow. They both looked up from their plates at the same time and both looked right into the same cold barrel of Okita's bazooka.

"Bye-bye, vice-captain, China," he said. _Sayonara!_

Hijikata grabbed an empty plate and held it up but he was too late. Hijikata and Kagura was blasted out through the wall and on the lawn. Hijikata, being the man, took most of the impact. Kagura, being the yato, stood up, completely fine right after a full-on face blast by a bazooka. "Oi, mayo-fanatic, are you okay?"

Hijikata took out a mayonnaise bottle from his pocket and drained it. "I'll be fine. Damn, I'm almost used to being shot at every morning. What made him do that? Usually he does it after everyone is done eating, but today he did it 10 minutes and 38 seconds early. Something is off."

Kagura stared dully at him. "You have a scheduled time in which, Okita without fail continually tries to buy you a ticket to hell every morning."

Hijikata stared back up at her. "10:00 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, 9:00 on Thursdays, because on Thursdays he has the early patrol. Other days he does it around lunch, because he wakes up late."

Kagura pulled him upright and slung him over her shoulder. "You're a bit bruised up. The bazooka's just all smoke and force, not really fire and explosive." Hijikata coughed. "That's what you say. The b*stard really does want to kill me this time, I can feel it. I wonder why?"

"Maybe he was annoyed at your mayonnaise habits."

"You are nearly as annoying as your boss, little girl. Quite the accomplishment."

"You're nearly as stupid as your boss. You both are undefeatable, no matter what is thrown at you."

"Is that a compliment?"

"I was trying to say that no matter how much others want you to die, you just persist to live."

"..."

"Kind of like cockroaches, yes?"

* * *

Gintoki flipped the channel on his TV. The weather channel had ended, so there really wasn't anything else he wanted to see. He flipped through another commercial, and got on the news channels. A man standing in front of the Shinsengumi station was speaking.

"This week has been pretty busy, eh? Lots of fights going around, and the yato popping up and such. What do you think of it, Kondou?"

The Shinsengumi captain took the microphone and said, "well, I don't really know. All I know was my vice-captain gave me a very... Interesting report and now we have a yato female in our residence. I am very sorry but her identity has to remain closed from the public, but... She asks for three tons of rice a week."

He closed it. The news channels were unreliable anyways. Anything they said was an exaggeration. No one believes them. No one. He opened a newspaper that Tama had dumped on his table with a stack of mail- presumably bills.

**KABUKI DISTRICT: BREAKING NEWS!**

**-SHIMURA DOJO BLASTED TO PIECES! YOUNGER BROTHER SEEN CARRYING BAZOOKA? OTAKU GONE CRAZY?-**

**-SHINSENGUMI OFFICER AND NAKED MAN ATTACK YOUNG GIRL!-**

**-SHINSENGUMI DESTROYS YET ANOTHER CROSSROAD!-**

**-NAKED MAN IS SAKATA GINTOKI?-**

**-MAN MOLESTS ELITE NINJA SARUTOBI IN PUBLIC!-**

**-YATO UPRISING?!-**

**-KONDOU (SHINSENGUMI CAPTAIN) SENT TO HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF FOOD POISONING?-**

**-SHINSENGUMI PURCHASES TWO CRATES OF MAYONNAISE AND TWO TRUCKLOADS OF RICE!-**

**-OKITA SOUGO BREAKS YET ANOTHER YOUNG HEART!-**

**-FOUR TRAFFIC POLES DESTROYED!-**

**-TRAFFIC JAM IN KABUKI DISTRICT!-**

**-STRAWBERRY MILK MADE WITHOUT STRAWBERRIES?-**

Gintoki was crumpling up the newspaper when his doorbell rang. Sweat dripped down his face. He got up, grabbed his sword, and opened the door, ready to bash the head of any reporter.

Especially this one.

"Sakata Gintoki, how did you feel when your secret self is revealed in public," Katsura asked behind a mustache and a slick suit, holding up a microphone. Elizabeth stood behind him, holding up a camera.

Gintoki threw them off the balcony. The other reporters below snapped pictures. "Molester responds in anger! Reporter thrown off balcony!" Gintoki leaned over and shouted down at them. "Oi, oi, it was an accident! I didn't want to moles-touch her!"

Someone appeared from behind him. "Yes, yes, it wasn't his fault! Besides, I liked-"

Gintoki grabbed Sachan and threw her off the balcony. She landed on Katsura. "Victim claims to like being molested! Molester Sakata Gintoki throws her off balcony! Victim is now on top of a reporter! Do you affect your victims like this usually? Do you make them want to molest people themselves?"

By now Gintoki was the color of his hair. With the reporters blasting questions at him, he was overwhelmed. His temper was rising up. And he was done with being the nice guy. He turned around, walked back into the Yorozuya, and closed the door. Then he woke up Sadaharu, and let him outside.

There was a lot of screaming, but then all was quiet by for some quiet crunching and sometimes an occasional squelch. Gintoki walked over to the table and opened a carton of cold strawberry milk, draining half of it. "God, all my assistants are ditching today. Where are they when I need them to bash people up?"

* * *

Kagura watched as the Shinsengumi officers performed their daily morning practices. They ran laps, shot drills, and then ran some more. Most of the officers could run at the grueling pace for what seemed like hours to an end, and hit the target every time they got a hold on a gun. Others, the newcomers, ran slower in the back, panting. Those people also couldn't hit the target if it was more than ten feet away.

Okita ran in the front during the laps and got a bulls-eye on every target he aimed at.

Hijikata walked over to Kagura and handed her a can of Shinsengumi tea. "Why aren't you running and shooting?" Kagura asked, "you'll get fat and out of practice. Why aren't you with them, practicing?"

Hijikata looked sideways at her. "I used to. Now, I practice in the mornings. By myself."

Kagura looked up at him, his shadows completely covered her from the sun. She folded up the cheap orange umbrella Yamazaki got her. "Why? Can't you sleep in the time? Aren't you tired?"

"Not with Sougo cursing me in his nightmares and prayers, no."

"I think you can't sleep because you lost someone important. When my m- when someone died, the person close to them loses sleep."

"Yeah, that might be it."

"Say, don't you think Okita's target cut-outs look a lot like you and me?"

"..."

Kagura drained the can of tea. "Anyways, I gotta go in. The sunlight's making me feel faint. Join your officers, mayo-guy, and set an example for them. Gintoki always says that a good leader gives an example to all that he rules of how they should be like. Run up to them and curse at the slackers like you usually did. I think they're missing you."

She got up and threw the can towards the lawn, where Okita was just about to shoot. The can smacked on the back side of his head. He turned around, his eyes blazing. He looked over to where Kagura and Hijikata were sitting next to each other. He fired, and blasted them to kingdom come.

"Oops, I slipped a little. Ah, I missed. Sorry, but the can you threw at me made me confused and you looked so much like my cutout, China!" The men behind him looked at the giant hole on the porch. This had to be the first time he had ever 'missed'. And the cutout didn't just look like her, it practically had her features painted on it.

Hijikata got up from the ash-filled hole in the meeting room of the Shinsengumi, and ran out the hole made in the wall, pulling his katana out of its sheath. "Okita, you bastard! Get back in line! You- the slackers! Run faster, you slow-ass donkeys! Commit seppuku for not listening to your vice-captain, goddammit! What are you laughing at, b*stards?"

Kagura stood up from the smoking hole, and patted herself off. She watched as the vice-captain ran around and screamed at any slackers. She watched as he energized anyone who so much as stood three feet away from him and shot them up to their best level. That was a special gift.

The officers were still laughing. "The demon vice-captain is back! Oi, but what's with his hair?"

Kagura took out her sukonbu packet and sucked on the last one.

Hijikata actually looked quite nice with an Afro.

* * *

I have finally made it up to chapter 25! Thank you for all your support! Thank you for reviewing!

Thank you for reading my horrible emulation! This one is actually a little bit HijikataXKagura?

Please review! I hope you enjoyed! (^o^)/

NOTE; what Sougo Okita wrote on Kagura's face...

-brat (spoiled, weak, annoying)

-little girl [少女] (virgin)

-flat (in the boob area)

-violent (temperamental, easily angered)

-stupid (...)

-weak (...)

-property of Okita Sougo [沖田 総悟の財産] (written the biggest, from her left cheek all the way down her neck)


	26. Chapter 26

Katsura walked along the streets of the Kabuki district. Ikumastu was mad at him again. He said that her ramen was getting worse. And she threw her rolling pin at him. Where did she even get one of those? Why did she even have one? She didn't bake! At least she didn't throw her knives. She had plenty of those.

_What would make her feel better_, he thought. He was walking past a gift shop. _Would a bunch of flowers, a chocolate, a cute bracelet... __Katsura walked into Ikumastu's shop, carrying a bunch of flowers. "Eh? Who is this for, Katsura?" Katsura handed to her with a blank face. "For you."_

Katsura suddenly knew what was going to happen next, so clearly it was as if he was watching it unfold right in front of him.

_"Aw, really, but I don't have a need for it... Here, I'll put it in this vase." And then she'll forget about it. Cutesy stuff didn't suit her._

He sighed and almost started to walk off again, pulling down his straw hat when he saw who was standing right next to him, three feet away. Okita Sougo stood looking in the window of the shop, looking like he was thinking hard, and therefore looking like his brain was breaking.

"What do girls like," he murmured aloud. "...What would make her accept the gift and keep it close when it explodes? Should I write Kamui's name on the box? Maybe I should get her chocolates. Surely she would swallow them and if they explode in her stomach- that would definitely be fatal. But wouldn't she chew them up before she swallows them? Is there a type of chocolate that you swallow without chewing?"

Katsura got the hell out of there as fast as he could without actually running away and raising suspicion.

When he finally slowed down, he was in front of a shop selling cooking supplies. _Aha!_ He thought. He went in, and saw a spatula...

_"Oh, this is very useful... But I already have lots of spatulas!"_

Katsura shook his head. Did he just hear Ikumastu's voice? Anyway, that voice is right. She did have a lot of spatulas. He turned around, and was just about to walk out when he saw Shinpachi at the cash register. "Do you guys have anything that can turn ash into food? Do you by any chance have... Like something that can't fry eggs into charcoal? Just, anything at all that is unbreakable?"

The guy at the cash register shook his head. Shinpachi sighed. He lifted a pot. There was a hole at the bottom of it. "Here, I need a new pot. She broke another one."

Katsura walked out of the store. Then he walked along the street until he hit a clothing shop. That's it! She was always wearing that plain apron. He bet she'd be very happy to...

_"What, so you're saying that I'm poor? So working aprons isn't pretty enough? I'm a woman, goddammit, not some love-crazed girl! Do you really see me in pink?"_

Katsura started to walk away when he bumped into a man next to him. "Sorry," he said and looked up. The blonde man was looking up at the store's pretty dresses and his eyes practically had been replaced with hearts. "Kyuubei would look so cute in that!" He said. He went in. "Hiya, it's Toujou again. Yeah, she burned the three other dresses I bought yesterday. Actually, she ripped one up and gave the other two to Otae. Otae said she liked them, and Kyuubei suddenly wants me to buy more."

Katsura left. Why is it that every man I meet has a weird complex relationship with a girl?

He was walking until he saw a brightly colored shop. The sign read, "Poisons and Antidotes". Katsura quickly turned around and nearly walked away until he realized that he did need some for the Jouishishi's next attack. He walked in the shady interior of the shop, completely in contrast to its bright signs. Shelves and packets and and bags of dry dusty herbs took up nearly all the space and also nearly all the air. He walked over to the cash register, where an old man was smoking a pipe.

Katsura picked up a few laxatives, some antidotes for shortness of breath (when the Jouishishi men are breathing in too much smoke), some antidotes for stomach pain, and a few fever-inducing poisons. Then, as an afterthought he added in a bag of sleeping pills.

Then he turned around and nearly walked right into a giant of a man. Abuto covered his face more completely with a hood. "Sorry," Katsura said, and squeezed past him, into the path of a young man.

The young man's cheerful smile was making Katsura feel uneasy. "Say, old man, do you have any poisons that could kill a yato girl? Or an ex-samurai, perhaps?" The old man turned to him and pointed deeper down into the store, where the more expensive bags lay labeled, "extremely poisonous" or "dead in three minutes".

Katsura paid and walked out of the place. Maybe the kid was just joking. Maybe he had someone that he really didn't like. Maybe he had a loved one kidnapped by a yato female.

Katsura continued walking until he hit a weapons shop. He stood outside, and nearly continued walking down the street when he heard a familiar voice. Gintoki was at the cash register, picking his nose and saying, "oi, where's the cheapest kunai you got?"

Katsura looked at the weapons on sale. They had everything, especially knives. Maybe Ikumastu...

_"Whatever you're trying to do, giving me a knife, I'll just say one thing. I'm going to slice your tiny tiny brain open with it, goddamn you!"_

Katsura walked away from the weapons shop. The thoughts of 'Ikumastu' was getting more violent. What did she want? He stopped in front of a shiny store. It was featuring a diamond bracelet, a necklace...

And a ring.

Katsura stared at it for a moment, and then shook his head. Surely...?

Katsura shook his head and bumped into yet another person who was window-shopping. Kondou stood outside the jewelry shop, drooling. Katsura watched as his enemy walked into the store and asked how much was their deluxe NAME option. Katsura watched as Kondou asked for them how much was it to make a ring with "Kondou" on it and a ring with the name "Otae" on it. (Kondou for a female size, Otae for a male size, so they would wear each others names)

Katsura walked away, shaking his head.

He walked along the street. Half the day gone and all he did was confuse himself further and get some meager supplies. And he was hungry. He'd better go back to Ikumastu to eat something. Elizabeth was there, washing and sweeping the floor and generally pleasing Ikumastu. Ikumastu liked Elizabeth a lot.

Katsura walked down the street towards Ikumastu's ramen shop. He was not jealous of his giant penguin sidekick.

As he walked along, he passed a bench. Sitting on the bench was Gintoki. Katsura backtracked. There was a lot of blood splattering on Gintoki's yukata. Gintoki looked up at Katsura. A kunai protruded from his hair. "If it was cheap-ass and useless why does it hurt so much when she threw it at me? If it hurt this much it should be a pretty fine weapon, even if it was bought for 500 yen."

Katsura sat down next to him. "Can you ever see me proposing to a woman?"

Gintoki looked straight at him. "No." He pulled out the kunai from his hair and stuck it in his sleeve. He picked his nose. "Actually I can. It'll probably go along the lines of 'will you marry me,' and she'll say, 'is this a joke' and you'll say something stupid and point your finger up in the air like you have some smart quote to say, and instead say something like 'marriage is a joke.' Or she'll say yes and you'll ruin it by saying something like 'marriage is all about a cheap divorce' or 'actually that was a joke.'"

"You have a sharp perception, would you like to join the Joui-" Gintoki smashed Katsura's face into the bench. "No."

Katsura sat up straight again, rubbing his head. Gintoki was walking away, towards the Yorozuya HQ. His hand was raised in his signature good-bye, not looking back. "Good luck getting a woman, Zura."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!"

* * *

Kagura looked out the window. The sun was setting. She looked at the boxes in front of her. One was a box of chocolates, which smelled like the Shinsengumi's uniform. It said that it was from 'Toshi'. She sniffed it. It smelled like gunpowder and sweat, but not mayonnaise.

Still, she threw it out. If it was from Okita, it shouldn't be so much as unwrapped. If it was from Hijikata the chocolates were probably filled with mayonnaise and therefore inedible.

There was still another box on the table. It was from Kamui- she could smell him from it. It was to Gintoki, though, so she didn't touch it. Maybe he had chopped off someone's p*nis and put it in that box. Maybe that p*nis was Gintoki's. She stared at the box. It was pretty small, a little bit bigger than a typical proposal ring-holding box, but maybe it would fit.

The door to the Yorozuya HQ opened. Gintoki stepped in, and Kagura nearly ran to him. "Gin-san, are you missing anything? Did you lose your manhood?"

After much confusion, cursing, and Kagura saying that she wanted to see proof of Gintoki still having his dick, Kagura and Gintoki sat down on the table, staring close at the tiny box. "You thought my sword could fit in that tiny thing?"

Kagura nodded. "Uh-huh."

"..."

Gintoki reached over and started to take off the cover. Kagura leaped up, opened the windows, grabbed her umbrella, and opened it, shielding herself from whatever was in that box.

Gintoki sighed, and acted annoyed but with his other hand he gripped his katana. He took off the cover. Kagura raised her umbrella and squeezed her eyes shut. No bang, blow, pow, boom, splat, splat or sizzle. Kagura lifted her umbrella, and Gintoki climbed up from where he had crawled down under the table. He cleared his throat and looked at the box. In it was a just a tiny folded cloth. They both stared at it, utterly convinced that it was soaked with poisons.

Some vapor began to rise from the box. Kagura slammed the cover back on and threw it out the window.

Gintoki and Kagura then rallied up all the fans in the place and started to wave the vapor out of the place.

* * *

Otae and Shinpachi watched as Kyuubei handed them a brightly colored box. "Here," she said, blushing. Otae took the box. "What is this for? It's not my birthday." Kyuubei murmured a few things, but then she said clearly, "nothing, just a few old clothes that I _really_ want to get rid of."

Otae opened the box. "I didn't know you wore these..." Shinpachi's eyes bugged out when she pulled out very revealing negligee, and it even had its tags still on. Kyuubei's eyes also bugged out. "N-no, this must be the w-wrong box. Here." Kyuubei grabbed the box and ripped it to shreds. She was clearly embarrassed, but also had a nosebleed. She was clearly imagining Otae in the costume.

Kyuubei turned bright red. Her hand was in a fist and she was clutching her katana tightly enough for its handle to break. "Wait here, Otae, Shinpachi..." She leaped right out the back door, and soon after they heard a bunch of crashes and...

"TOOOOOUJOOOOOU!"

* * *

Katsura walked into Ikumastu's shop. He sat down on one of the stools. "One soba, please."

Ikumastu smacked him with her spatula. "What? I thought you said my food's quality was decreasing?"

Katsura looked straight at her. "No, I only said the ramen was bad-"

Ikumastu smacked him with her spatula, cutting short his sentence. "Shut it." She placed a bowl in front of him. "Here, it's a bit cold but that's only because you came so late. You usually come earlier and I cooked it at the usual time."

Katsura was barely listening to her. He was sucking up her soba, his eyes looking straight past and through her. "You know, it doesn't taste that bad now-"

Ikumastu smacked him with her spatula a third time. "Shut it, just be quiet. I liked you better when your stupidity wasn't spewing through your mouth."

Katsura nodded. Then shook his head. By the time he had realized the insult, she was already behind the counter and was washing dishes. "By the way, where were you all day?"

"I was kayaking through the sea of the beach when all of a sudden I found a stranded octopus and I threw it into the ocean again. Then it dragged me down into the kingdom under the sea and I nearly down but it kept blowing bubbles of air to keep me alive. And then-"

Ikumastu chuckled. "Oh? Why didn't I hear that in the news?"

"... It's a secret. You're not supposed to tell anyone. Don't tell anyone or else they'd all go down and litter and pollute the coral reefs."

Ikumastu raised an eyebrow at the wall. "Will you take me there one day, perhaps?"

Katsura stopped eating. "Yes, I will. I promise."

Ikumastu scrubbed the dishes. "Then it's a promise."

One by one, the lights of Kabuki district blinked out. Each citizen thought their own thoughts right before they fell asleep, their deepest, most hidden thoughts.

_Man, the bills need to get paid... Otose will be mad... Tsukuyo is also mad... I'm screwed..._

_Sukonbu isn't as sour as it used to be... Dammit those cheapskate companies... I wonder where Kamui is now?... Okita Sougo, I'll kill you one day..._

_Otsuu is so cute in her concert today... Too bad I couldn't go... Kirara says she got a new kimono... I'd like to see that..._

_Otae is so cute... I wanna give her the rings... Banana... Jouishishi attack yesterday... Yato problems... Criminals resurfacing... Otae..._

_Mayonnaise Mayonnaise Mayonnaise... Oh wait I gotta buy more cigarettes... Mayonnaise Mayonnaise Mayonnaise..._

_China, I'll kill you one day... Hijikata, I left a bomb in your pillow... One dead Hijikata... Two dead Hijikatas... Three dead Hijikatas... Four dead Hijikatas..._

_New omelet recipe... Shinpachi bought another pan... Kondou didn't stalk me today... I should be happy... But no... Whatever... The stupid gorilla..._

_Otae... I am so embarrassed... Toujou, you b*stard... I want to be a man... Otae... I wanted to see her in pink..._

_I wanted to see Kyuubei in a negligee... I want to see Kyuubei in a skimpy dress... I want to see Kyuubei in lace..._

_Someone nearly cut off my braid today... I snapped his neck... Did Kagura receive my gift?... What is she doing now?... Weakling..._

_Ikumastu, your soba is good... I want to eat it again... Jouishishi new members... Gintoki, why don't you join and fight?..._

_Ramen shop earnings are lifting... Jouishishi... Katsura... Wishful thinking... That man isn't reliable..._

_..._

_...You know, Kotaru Ikumastu doesn't sound that bad..._


	27. Chapter 27

Kondou sat on the roof of the Shimura dojo. He looked up at the sky. It was blue and cloudless. He could see the Shinsengumi from here. And he can also see the grim reaper waving at him from his perch on the roof opposite him. He blinked. The grim reaper disappeared. He must be seeing things.

A plate hit the left side of his face and shattered. Glass pieces rained down to the throwers. Otae reached for another plate. "Shinpachi, we seem to have a gorilla on our roof! Get the kitchen knives! We must chase it away!"

Kondou scooted back from the edges of the roof. The grim reaper was still here, all too ready to throw him to hell. The grim reaper was wearing a pink kimono and was throwing plates at him. Someone was running out from the dojo, fresh from practicing sword strikes. "Otae? What are you doing?! Oh my god! Kondou, are you all right?"

Kondou felt blood dribble down his face. He gave Shinpachi two big thumbs up. _Never better. It is my dearest dream to be killed by the hands of Shimura Otae..._

Kondou's body went slack dramatically mid-thought and he slid off the roof, landing with a splat at Shinpachi's feet. Shinpachi lost all color and sweat dribbled down his face. He can almost hear Sougo talking as he held a bazooka to Shinpachi's face in the near future.

"It was an accident, you say? You gave my captain a coma and a broken arm by accident? Your sister mistook him for a gorilla and he fell off the roof, eh, Glasses Otaku Guy? Well, let me have an accident, then?" Then his hand accidentally 'slips' and pulls the trigger.

Otae talking jolted him out of his thoughts. "Oh? He fell off. Is the gorilla alive?" Her foot was on the back of Kondou's head, as if he were a slain animal and she was the heroic hunter. Shinpachi turned his head and looked at her, his eyes dead and dull. "We're doomed."

* * *

_Standing in a field of flowers, the sun so bright and the sky clear blue but she didn't need to hide under the umbrella. This time, she can see the horizon at dawn. Just this once. Behind the hill there was a tiny house and she knew that her mother was in that house. And her father was in the house too, she somehow knew. He was home!_

_Then the sky went gray and it was raining again, but she didn't care. She sat under a tree, feeling the wind blow her hair, and a hand touched her shoulder and picked her up. She put her flower crown on his head and pulled his red hair and he carried her home. Daddy had his hair back and mother looked healthy. And she didn't feel the slightest bit hungry, although they did not eat a single thing that day._

_Then it was dark, and everyone was asleep, but she lay in her bed and her tiny body was cold. Now the hunger pangs were back. And she couldn't sleep. But then light appeared and his face appeared over the edge of her bed, carrying a lantern. He climbed in and gave her hug and pinched her cheek just enough to hurt but shushed her when she cried out, but then felt bad for teasing her so he tucked her in too tight and wrapped his arms around her. And that was how their parents found them the next morning._

_She still missed that._

_Behind the tiny body of the little red-haired girl the red-haired boy smiled and licked the blood off his teeth.  
_

Kagura woke up in a shock.

She was cold and she couldn't remember what woke her up, but she knew that she couldn't fall asleep again. She also suddenly knew that she felt like hugging someone. She slipped into Gintoki's room with her blanket, looked at his sleeping form for a moment, and then fell on top of him, and fell asleep almost immediately.

Gintoki really did make a nice teddy bear.

And although her grip around his neck was not tight enough to snap his neck, Gintoki's air supply was dropping to a dangerous level and there was nothing he could do about it. He was pulled harshly from his swimming-in-strawberry-milk dream and into reality and the noose around his neck. He was hearing a death toll in the back of his mind.

"Oi, oi, what're you doing, n-need to breathe! Are you trying to kill me! Let go, goddammit!"

* * *

Kondou woke up to the best feeling he had ever felt in his life. Otae was wiping his forehead with a white cloth. It was worth it to fall off a roof for this. Kondou felt a tear slide down his cheek. Otae~!

He opened his eyes and...

Looked up at Shinpachi, who was wringing the cloth in a bucket. "Oh, you're awake, Kondou. Do you think that you can walk back to the Shinsengumi like this? Your arm isn't actually broken, just a but bruised up and sprained. Thank goodness our roof is a bit lower than most houses. Do you have a headache? You look funny, Kondou-san. Don't worry, Otae left an hour ago for work."

Shadows covered Kondou's eyes. He got up. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just go now." He got up and walked right out the door, closing it behind him. Shinpachi looked at the closed door. "I guess he wasn't such a creepy stalker after all... Jeez, I almost feel sorry for him."

Shinpachi sighed. He picked up the bucket. Maybe he should advocate Kondou's relationship with Otae. _There is a lot of men worse than the gorilla that she could marry._ After all, she needed to get married _sometime_. Shinpachi stood up. _But not for a while_. Yes, in a decade or so, but not now. _In ten years then, gorilla,_ Shinpachi thought,_ in ten years I will support your marriage but for now I will keep my sister!_

He went to the kitchen and poured the bloody water down the drain.

What no other person in the universe would have missed was that Kondou had closed the door with no sign of pain using his sprained arm.

Kondou walked down the street and stopped at the Shinsengumi station gate. The blood on his collar was drying but the officers will still notice. Should he say anything? No, he shouldn't. He'll keep quiet and let the men fantasize about their captain's heroic victories.

But the moment he walked through the Shinsengumi station everyone already knew what had happened. They didn't even need to ask. Okita even put a consoling hand on his shoulder before going off on his patrol. As soon as he stepped outside, a mailman handed his a bunch of roses. Kondou's face took on a 'dafuq' expression. Does every member of the Shinsengumi know his lack of success with women?

Hijikata gave him what was supposed to be a sympathetic look and offered his mayonnaise.

Kondou walked straight into his room and closed the door.

* * *

Kagura walked around, her hand cupping over her eyes and her umbrella held high. Gintoki wasn't suitable for hugging. He nearly choked to death in the morning, and he said that if she wanted to hug somebody she might as well hug Okita, because that was the only way she would ever get to kill the b*stard.

Kagura wondered what that meant. She wouldn't be able to get close enough to Okita to hug him. He'll blast her to high heaven even if she managed to get within three feet radius. She started to head for the park. Usually she would hug Sadaharu but today she didn't feel like hugging something furry.

At the park she walked towards her bench. She sat down on the bench without looking at who was on it as well. Madao usually was in that spot, and if not him some other person. Sometimes Otae and Kyuubei came too. Tsukuyo often sat there and just watched as Seita played with other kids. She opened a packet of sukonbu, stuck one in her mouth, looked over at who she was sitting next to her and nearly sucked the seaweed right up and out her nose.

Okita slumped on the bench, his red sleeping mask covering his eyes. Kagura looked him over. _Isn't he supposed to be on patrol...?_

He snored.

Kagura snickered quietly. She could practically taste victory now. She tip-toed over to him, walking along the rim of the back of the bench. She shifted and bent down over him, reached inside his jacket pocket, pulled out handcuffs and two bombs before she hit jackpot.

She pulled out the permanent marker.

She took off the cap, and was about to write a bunch of insults on his forehead when she lost balance and toppled off the bench's back and onto his lap. She froze. Will he wake up? Okita continued snoring. This is the guy who sleeps through bombs detonating.

Kagura reached for his cheek with the permanent marker. As soon as she managed to draw one stroke down, Okita scrunched up his nose and shook his head. The stroke became a long line from one cheek to the other, as if she was planning to cut his head in half and was marking where to cut. Kagura shrugged. She grabbed Okita's chin and held him in place as she wrote "slacker" and "sadist".

Okita's eyes under his sleeping mask fluttered open. He continued to slump on the bench. He felt the wet tip of a marker against his nose. The stink of the ink nearly covered it, but he could smell sukonbu. Sukonbu. Who did he know that liked sukonbu?

Kagura leaned back and looked at what she wrote. Then she leaned closer, held Okita's chin once more, and scribbled one last thing on his neck... Only to be caught around her neck. The marker slipped from her fingers and clattered on the floor below the bench.

"Oi, China, what a surprise to see you here!" Kagura struggled with his grip around her neck. "You knew it was me, b*stard!" Okita smirked and shoved his handcuffs back into his pocket. "Well, what if I did? You're the one who climbed on my lap and started to write things on my face. This alone could get you punished for disrespect to policemen."

Kagura slammed her foot into his chest and pushed. She flipped backwards, using her umbrella to skid to a stop. Okita stood up from the bench and unsheathed his katana. Kagura gasped for breath, massaging her neck.

Before the two of them could demolish the park, they heard a yell.

"Oi, you two terrors! We're landing! Crash-landing!"

The giant out-of-control spaceship blasted into the park, and hit Kagura and Okita full-on. They flew through the air and Okita slammed into a tree, while Kagura splashed into the river, quickly swept upstream by the waves.

* * *

Shinpachi took a bun from the bowl in the middle of the table. "Kagura is late again, Gin-san." Gintoki picked his nose and flipped his _Jump. _"What's new? She's probably at the park, chewing on her sukonbu. What a slacker."

Shinpachi looked at the time. "... But it's lunchtime. Usually she would be already here and eating everything." Gintoki grabbed a bun and tore it in half, swallowing one half. "Doesn't matter. At least for this one meal we'll actually get something to eat. Leave it alone. If she was here, you'd be wishing that she wasn't. Take your good luck and eat all this before she comes back."

The doorbell rang. Gintoki stuffed the rest of the bun in his mouth. "Fee? Fhe's back already... Finpachi, open the door."

Shinpachi got up and opened the door. Okita walked in, his face grave.

"I am very sorry to inform you that... Kagura has passed away."


	28. Chapter 28

Gintoki and Shinpachi's eyes were replaced by shadows. "W-what are you talking about?" Gintoki asked. "You must be shitting me!"

Okita shook his head and from under his broken arm her held up something Shinpachi never wanted to see. A cracked, dusty, bloody purple umbrella. Shinpachi's eyes started to glisten. "K-Kagura?" He reached for the umbrella... Only to be pushed aside by Gintoki and slammed into the wall.

Gintoki snapped Shinpachi's glasses in half. "What happened," he said to Okita. Okita shrugged and rubbed at where ink marks still showed. "We were fighting, and then this crash-landing spaceship came and knocked us back. I got hit by a tree and stopped but Kagura was swept into the river. I found the umbrella by the rocks down in the river. The blood is definitely hers."

Gintoki's hand nearly snapped the umbrella. Before he could say anything, though, his phone rang. He opened it and flipped to the text messages. He had a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

The text had only one picture and one sentence and it froze the blood in his veins.

[Guess what I found in the river.], it said, and the photo contained only one image. Kagura sleeping on a bed wrapped in blankets, one arm outstretched, in the center of the photo...

And a red haired braid curled around her fingers.

Gintoki closed his phone, sweating.

"Y-yeah, Kagura is definitely dead."

* * *

Kagura woke up once again in an unfamiliar bed. She sniffed around. Yep, this is Kamui's room. His stink covered the place so thickly that it was tangible. She shifted out of the blankets, and walked over to the nearby window. The last thing she remembered was falling into the river... And the name of the ship.

She looked out the window. Nothing but stars as far as the eye could see. Yep, she was on Kamui's ship. Who else would name his ship the _Queen of Yato_? She yawned and looked up. Her wet clothes were lying there. She reached up and touched the edge of her sleeve. It was still moist. She had not been asleep long. That explained why she still felt like crap.

Her head was pounding. She was in a male shirt, and it was big enough to be a small dress for her. It smelled like metal and blood, like Kamui basically, but she also smelled something under his scent... Cookies. _Somebody_ has been eating late-night snacks.

Of course, when it came down to Kamui, "snacks" is a term used for half a ton of creme cookies.

Kagura swayed and fell back into the bed and fell right into unconsciousness.

Right as she closed her eyes the door to her room opened and someone stepped in.

* * *

Okita walked along the bridge over the river. Kagura, if she was swept out into the sea, would have a nearly no chance of surviving, with the sunlight out in the ocean and her lack of anything to cover herself from exposure.

Okita grinned. Good luck, China. He turned around and walked back towards the Shinsengumi. Next up, Hijikata's accidental death. He also needed to get a new bazooka. He walked off, whistling.

Hijikata opened his eyes. A gleaming barrel of a bazooka was aimed right at his face. It was on automatic. He froze. The bazooka locked on the movement of his eyes flickering open.

"O-o... O-ki-ta!" He gritted out from between his teeth. "You b*stard!"

KA~BOOM!

The explosion of the bazooka tore through the Shinsengumi station. Okita Sougo looked up from his pile of paperwork. "Oops, I must have left it on automatic." He threw a stack of sheets into the corner and stood up. He walked towards Hijikata's room where a crowd has already gathered. The crowd separated to let him pass.

He looked inside. Hijikata sat in a pile of broken and burnt wood, his back against the wall. His face was covered in blood from a cut on his forehead, made by a piece of metal. As Okita went to test if he was really dead, something clattered behind him. He looked back. A blackened and mangled bazooka lay on the floor. He turned back to Hijikata, who was shakily standing up.

He held up his cracked ashtray, held in his bloody hand, which was usually on his belt. As soon as the bazooka showed signs of firing up, he had in one microsecond pulled the metal tray up and closed it over mouth of the bazooka, causing it to rebound and fire on itself. The force of the blast however, slammed him into the wall and broke his ashtray.

*Please, do not try this at home to see if it really works.*

"I ain't so easy to kill, b*stard." Hijikata said, standing up. He pulled out a mayonnaise bottle from his pocket and drank its contents. He stumbled over to Okita, ignoring the other officer's many attempts to help him, and handed him a sheet of paper. "Guess who's getting latrine-clean outs and night patrols this month?"

"The mayo-freak demon vice-captain of the Shinsengumi?"

"Yeah, and you'd better get started if- wait... No! It's you, you dumbass! Oi, stop catch him! Get back here, b*stard!

* * *

Kagura opened one eye and surveyed the ceiling, straining her other senses. No other breathing, no other smells. No changes. She opened the other eye. She tentatively got up and the quick as a whip pulled the blankets off of herself.

Nothing. The bed was empty except for her.

Kagura got up. She had a headache. Is this what Gintoki always felt like after drinking? She felt like vomiting. Urgh... She walked over to the window. She felt like her arms and legs were too light and her head was made of lead. But she could walk, and her knees didn't shake that badly, and she needed to get back to the Yorozuya.

Shinpachi had bought meat buns. Like hell is she going to miss the one day that Gintoki had money to buy edible food.

She looked up. Her clothes were gone. She stared at where it used to be. W-where?

She looked down. She was still wearing the shirt. _Now_ what was she going to wear?

* * *

Gintoki and Shinpachi walked towards the lobby of the terminal. "Oi, lady, is there a ship that just left, like about thirty minutes ago?" Gintoki asked. The typing secretary looked up. "You're going to have to be more specific, perm-hair. In the last thirty minutes more than a hundred spaceships had come and left."

Gintoki picked his nose. "Well, is there any that had a yato on it? Or two, no actually three?"

The lady looked up, surprised. "Three yato in one ship? Well... Actually, yes." She clicked on a few files and then handed them a paper. "This is them, the ship _Queen of Yato_, and it's owned by someone called Kamui-"

"Where are they heading?"

"Well, it seems that the King of Yato has an appointment at a dinner party at a space mansion... At Planet #23-450."

She looked up. Gintoki and Shinpachi were already running towards a spaceship headed for galaxy 23. They ran in, strapped themselves in, and turned green as the rocket shot out to space. Shinpachi and Gintoki both grabbed a barf bag. They had both never been on an express rocket before.

"Goddammit, Kagura, I'm taking this off your salary."

After landing on galaxy 23, they ran into the bathroom and vomited. After that, Gintoki wiped off his mouth and they raced into lobby 450. After much traveling, they managed to get on the planet. They walked out the lobby into... A dusty dry planet. Gintoki and Shinpachi lost all color. They looked back at the spaceship that was slowly taking off from the lobby. 458, it said, a smudge covering the middle of the 8.

"Oi, oi, wait!"

* * *

Kagura walked down the hallway. The previous hallway was littered with all the guards that she had taken out. She turned the corner. Another guard. She leaped towards him, smashed his head against the wall, and grabbed his knife. She held it against his throat. "Where's Kamui?!"

He was unconscious. Kagura sighed and dropped the knife. She really needed to stop knocking them out. She needed answers, not comatose guards. She let go of the man and kicked him aside. Her time was limited. Soon, some other guard would find his unconscious co-worker and...

Behind her alarms came to life.

* * *

In the ballroom of the ship, which Kagura is trying to find, Kamui slumped on a throne. This was boring. He wanted to hit someone and destroy something, but Abuto said that it would not benefit him to break a guest's neck. His eyes roved lazily through the crowds. Boring people who want to be promised that they wouldn't be killed by yato. His eyes settled on the chandelier. It was very ornate, and he wanted to cut the rope. It would crash down and just jostle up some of the people...

He reached for his small throwing knife in his sleeve. He was wearing his regular yukata, although Abuto tried to get him to wear a suit. As in, Abuto placed ten different suits on his bed that morning and he ripped them up.

Abuto was watching him. Kamui's finger froze in the act of sliding out the tiny knife. Ah, whatever. Fine. It wasn't really going to be fun dropping that chandelier, anyway. Nobody was under it. His attention went from the lights to the floor. Maybe if he set a trap for the tiles to slide back... Why were the shadows on the floor shaking? What's wrong with the light?

Suddenly his attention snapped back up to the chandelier. It was shaking. Was it supposed to be shaking?

Rocks skittered down from the ceiling. The chandelier fell from the ceiling, crashing down, revealing a hole at where its base used to be. A small red-haired girl dropped down from the hole and held up a gleaming knife. She landed on the chandelier and dipped her map into a candle's flame. "Take me back to Earth, idiot older brother."

Immediately whispers started to circulate. _Brother? Kamui? Little sister? Dangerous! Wild! Barbaric! Savage! Unladylike!_

Kagura ignored the talking. She held up the knife and jumped off the pile of rubble that she had made on the pristine floor. "Take me back home, fool, or I'll slit your neck!"

Before she could take another step seven snipers had their bullets trained on her. They fired. Kamui watched. The smoke cleared... To reveal nothing.

Kagura disappeared from where she was and appeared behind Kamui, leaping over his chair and held her knife against his neck. She spit out a bullet.

"Don't fire or I'll slit the King of Yato's throat!"

Then she felt cold metal against her own neck.

"Who's slitting whose neck, hm?"


	29. Chapter 29

At that moment the door was pushed opened hard enough to slam into some of the guests who were trying to leave. Gintoki walked through. He held up his katana and pointed to Kamui. "Let go of Kagura, goddammit!"

Then he heard a curious beeping sound. Red dots were sliding all and over his body. "I'm a samurai! Any bullet you shoot at me I will dodge!" The red dots settled... Each and every one of them on his crotch. All the damn snipers were aiming to blow off his balls.

Gintoki looked down, sweating. _Son of a..._

He put one hand behind his head, sheathing his katana with the other. "Ha, ha, wrong room!" He turned around and walked right out the ballroom.

...

"Gintoki, how can you be so cruel?! Where's Kagura? Go back in there and save Kagura!" Shinpachi's voice rang out through the door.

"No, no, you go in. Heroic deeds aren't my thing." Kagura could practically see him picking his nose.

The voices behind the door went silent for a moment. They were definitely trading thoughts telepathically.

"Gin-san! You coward! I'll go in and save Kagura..."

"Yes, yes, I'll be there to back you up."

"You'd better. Promise me you'll go in with me."

"Yeah, yeah, I promise."

...

"Eh, actually, never-mind. I'm sure she's fine. Let's go and see if they still have their buffet."

"Good idea, Shinpachi." Fading footsteps were then heard.

Kagura stared at the door. Did they realize that she could hear every single damn word they said? B*stards! She put one foot up and Kamui's chest, lost in her anger and disgust, and pushed off. She leaped out of the chair, bullets exploding seconds behind her feet, and ran across the floor faster than the snipers could fire, dodging all the bullets until she smashed into and through the door, using guests as her cover.

Surely the snipers wouldn't shoot if civilians were in the way?

She ran through the door, and saw Shinpachi and Gintoki's backs. She ran up to them, grabbed their collars, and nearly punched their face in if not for Gintoki saying something.

"So you finally came to your senses, eh, violent little girl?" Kagura stared at them._ It was all an act to get her mad and out of Kamui's range without making her a coward for running away?!_

Kagura threw them off their chairs and up through the ceiling. She sat down. "I'm hungry. I'll go back to Earth after I eat."

Shinpachi suddenly remembered something. "Kagura, what are you wearing?" Kagura looked down. "The only thing I could find in the closet. This yukata. It's Kamui's." Shinpachi felt his eyes go deadpan. "Yeah, that I can tell. It's what he usually wears."

Kagura pulled on it. It was way too big. She wasn't wearing any pants, just the outer layer. The sleeve ran down and covered her hands- making her have to pull them up every now and then. The blue belt was pulled tight and the top of her left thigh was showing. It was way too big, period. She felt like she was drowning in it, and how it smelled like him didn't help either.

But it was thick and warm and comfortable. It moved easily. Good for fighting. She really should get one of these, just her size. She was tripping over this, nearly got lost her eye when her hand had got tangled in one of the sleeves.

She shook her head, dispelling those thoughts. Then she stuffed some cake into her mouth.

Gintoki, whose head poking through the floor of the second the floor, next to Shinpachi's head, said, "oi, Kagura, could you pass the tariyaki sauce? I have a mouthful of plain sushi and they need something spicy real bad."

She stuck it up his anus.

* * *

Kamui sat back on his captain's chair, staring out to the stars. Abuto could not read his expression.

Kagura had left an hour ago, postponing their fight and saying that's she'll return the yukata. Kamui, even after she called him a hunch of names and even after his party crashed and died, was still in a good mood, although he did bash in a sniper's head with his umbrella when he said that he saw Kagura's panty when she was jumping down from the ceiling.

Kamui was smiling as he walked down the hallway, and was whistling as he kicked a pilot into the trash chute. He was practically grinning when he blasted another enemy's ship to hell, and at the end of the day, he was smiling as he told the cook to fry his toes for tomorrow's dinner.

He was definitely in a good mood.

And Abuto had a feeling he knew what put him in such a good mood. He left the room. The little brat was nearly drowning in Kamui's yukata. It was a sight to see, especially when she tried to look fierce. Similar to a rabbit swamped in a huge scarf baring it's teeth at a tiger.

As soon as Abuto's footsteps faded in the distance, Kamui pulled out from his yukata a tightly folded red dress. Kagura's. There was more than that reason that he was in such a good mood. He unfolded it and shook off the wrinkles. She had forgotten to take it back, and he wasn't going to give it back, or until the smell wore off.

There was something in the pocket. He pulled out a red rectangular box. It was a packet of sukonbu. He took one out and popped it in his mouth. It was sour. He chewed it. It was even more sour. He kept sucking on it until the sour of it dissolved and what was left... Almost tasted sweet.

He tossed the empty box into the corner and looked up. He smiled at the camera and waved, and then brought his foot up and smashed it into a hundred segments.

He folded up the dress and put it back into his sleeve.

* * *

Kagura sat down on the Yorozuya sofa and hugged Sadaharu. "Good boy, good boy!" Then she got up, dusted off her brother's yukata and ran into the bathroom. Then she changed into her regular uniform.

She looked at the yukata. She took it and threw it into her bed. She was only keeping it because it was getting chilly at nights and she needed another blanket. Especially after what Kamui did to her wall. Payback time. His yukata can be used to warm her feet.

That night Kagura crawled back into bed after brushing her teeth and lay down on her bed, covering herself with her blanket. She paused for a moment, feeling like she was missing something. She reached over... And touched Kamui's yukata.

She pulled it over and pressed it to her face.

She'll just use to as a makeshift teddy-bear for one day, one day only...

She fell asleep, and slept better than she had in years.

* * *

Okita and Hijikata sat in front of the TV, waiting for the late night soap operas to come on. "Aren't you going to go to sleep, Okita?" Hijikata asked. Okita didn't look at him, and instead looked at the screen. "You put me on night shift, Toshi."

Hijikata blew smoke out the open window and stubbed his cigarette in a tiny plastic ashtray. "Yeah. Glad to see that you're finally listening."

He looked over to Okita. His sleeping mask was on, and he was snoring. Clearly listening, yep, practically taking notes.

Hijikata lifted his bazooka, flipped the safety, and aimed at Okita's head.

* * *

Thank you for reading, please review!

What do you want to happen next?


	30. Chapter 30

I have finally made it to chapter 30! Thank you all readers and reviewers! I am so happy! This is a special chapter, thank you for reading! People who don't really have a thing for the lovey-dovey stuff, I'll type up comedies as soon as I get some ideas. And the KaguraXKamui people, I have something for ya in the next chapter(s)!

This chapter's setting is where Gintama Movie #2 was held (Edo five years into the future; I call it Edo-5) and It's about all the future characters after Gintoki leaves. (Sort of like a one-shot...)

It's about what I fantasize would happen if Gintama was still in that state of trashed up Edo and without Gintoki-san, because I really like that tough future for them, sort of like a 'survival against all odds'. (I also like Okita with long hair! And Kagura without hair-clips! And a cool black-clothed Shinpachi!)

Thank you!

* * *

Kagura opened her eyes. The familiar roof of the Shimura dojo met her gaze. She had moved in with Shinpachi and Otae, although it is really just Shinpachi now, because Otae was still in the hospital.

Gintoki... After he left, something just rippled in the air and _changed_ something, and every person with the White Death regained some of their original color. Otae's hair was gaining color as a very slow pace, because she was so close to death before... Before whatever Gintoki had done in the past. Kyuubei, after realizing that Otae wasn't going to die, fell on her and cried her eyes out. Shinpachi and Kagura left soon after that. It didn't feel right to stay.

Kondou wanted to restart the Shinsengumi and rename it Otae-gumi. Hijikata said that Okita would have to cut off his hair because long hair isn't allowed in the Shinsengumi, and Okita somehow managed to steal the last rusty bazooka from the museum and blast him to hell.

Kagura go up from her thin bed. She walked over to her closet and pulled out her yukata. She stared at the Gintoki print on the bottom. She could remember buying the new style right after he died, using it as a way to remember him. She ran her fingers over the tiny blue stitches. _If you are not alive in this world..._

_Maybe in another... The Yorozuya Gin-chan... Maybe in another universe... He will come back... He will..._

She smiled, and took something out of her inner pocket. A tiny film strip of a queen fluttered in her hands.

The door to her room opened. "Kagura, are you done yet? Remember you said that we're going to restart the Yorozuya again? Oi, are you awake? Are you going to go back to the lazy Kagura of old? Don't start sleeping late again..."

Shinpachi got smashed in the face with a lamp, at a speed that even he could not deflect in time and at a force that slammed him into the opposite wall of the hallway.

"Don't come in when I'm dressing, goddammit!"

* * *

Hijikata opened one of the remaining packs of cigarettes. Ah, the smoke, how he missed that so much. After the world crumbled down, the other officers had weaned him off of smoking cigarette by cigarette, but all they managed to do was increase his mayonnaise consumption.

At least mayonnaise became unpopular back then and that made them cheap. For a little while he was a bit overweight, but after the world broke down some more, there was not an extra ounce of food to spare and he went back to a healthy weight, and kept it by eating mayonnaise, although many of the officers lost most of their original mass.

He lit the cigarette. The White Plague is over. The world will heal from now on, and this is cause enough for a celebration. He ran his hand through his hair. He may even grown back his long v-shaped bangs, who knows? He watched smoke drifted off into the sky, the broken, bare streets of Kabuki-chou being lit up by the golden dawn.

He felt a cold breeze sweep through his loose yukata. He turned around, where Okita leaned against the door, his red yukata stark against the light brown wall and gray floor. He turned to him, blowing smoke into his face. "Oi, Okita, if Kondou manages to get the Shinsengumi back and running, would you join?"

Okita looked over, his face blank. "Of course. I''m going to be the vice-captain."

Hijikata felt his eyes go droopy and shadowed. "Oh? Did Kondou say that?"

"No, but who else would be vice-captain?"

Hijikata gritted his teeth. His cigarette was reduced to ashes. "What about me? Am I just ground liver?"

Okita continued to stare at him, his expression childlike and his eyes wide. "Oh? I heard rumors that you weren't going to join. I thought the place was free... Besides, haven't you said that you were sick and tired of the bloodshed? Anyway, if we were to compete for the place, I'd w..."

Hijikata unsheathed his katana. "Who said I wasn't going to join the Shinsengumi? Who said I was going to quit being vice-captain? If I leave the Shinsengumi to you, you'll take it over in two days and build an empire and call yourself the Jerkaiser, you b*stard! And who'd win? Try me, you sadist!"

Okita raised both his hands up. "Oi, oi, I'm not looking for a fight. I gotta go on patrol now, gathering up survivors. Just checking if you're joining or not. I'll tell Kondou that you're willing to compete for vice-captain rank of the Otae-gumi, but even if you were the old vice-captain, don't think I'll go easy on you, Toshi. Take care and wash your p*nis, now."

With that, he turned around and disappeared into the hallway, leaving no trace of being there at all. Hijikata rubbed his head, where a headache had developed.

"Oi, oi, did I just get tricked into joining the Shinsengumi?"

* * *

Kagura walked towards the only store open in Kabuki district, the mall. It had all sorts of miss-matched items picked up by people and dropped of there, traded and bought for any occasional 1000-yen bill. Kagura didn't have any money, but she did have a bag of old stuff that was rusting in the attic of the dojo, and Shinpachi said to trade those for some food and some stuff for the New Yorozuya.

She lifted the bag of canned food on Sadaharu's back. "Take it back to the Yorozuya, now, boy."

She had somewhere that she wanted to go. After waving her dog off, she walked towards the place where so many fond memories had taken place. Kagura entered the barren and dusty park, and walked towards her bench. Someone was already there.

Kagura sat down next to Okita. She was chewing on a sukonbu piece, one of the last, and he was chewing on a stalk of grass, like the one he hid poison darts in. Kagura looked over at him. He probably still had darts in that reed as well. Then his mouth opened and he began to talk, staring out into the rising sun and not at her.

"This brings back so many memories, doesn't it, China?" _Fighting, laughing, crying, insulting each other and bashing each other up... All the same thing really._

"Yeah, Sadist." _What wouldn't I give to have those days back._

"You up for a fight? I'm itching for one. I should have left Hijikata to die at the execution. Now he's back and wants the vice-captain rank again. I'm pissed off. Want to blow off some steam?"

"I'm sick of fighting." Kagura's umbrella was leaning on the bench next to her but she was sure that she would be able to reach it before Okita unsheathed his katana.

Okita sheathed his katana. "Remember how we used to fight when and wherever we saw each other?"

"Yeah."

"And remember how I always won?"

Kagura smashed his face into the bench with one hand. She didn't even look at him.

But the bench they were sitting on had not been sat on for years. Now two grown adults (well, one about 19 and one about 23), were sitting on it and one was just smashed into the back with a huge force behind him.

The bench tilted backwards and smashed into the floor, bringing the two people with it, one person landing on the other, and metal and wood broke off the bench and lifted in the air as if they were hung on millions of strings. All the rusting metal and rotting wood lifted up and flew for that small moment, gleaming in the dawn sunlight and was beautiful for that one moment.

And only two people saw that moment. But they saw it. And the broken and the rusted and the mangled just turned bright and extraordinary.

When the pieces fell back down to gravity the two people just lay there, Okita's head on Kagura's stomach, holding up one of the metal shards, amazed at what so darkened and dirty could glow. They just lay there in the glittering pieces and the dust for what seemed like eternity and yet when the moment ended it seemed too fleeting.

Kagura sat up and dusted off her hair. She pushed Okita off of her, got up, and grabbed her umbrella, hiding her face for a moment, and when she turned around and faced him again she already had her typical conquer-all face on.

She stood over Okita and looked down at him. "Sadist, I heard that the Shinsengumi is starting again."

"Yeah."

She crouched down, leaning on her umbrella casually and pulled on his pony-tail. Her hair fell down from behind her back and tickled his nose. "The Yorozuya's also gonna be back. Gintoki will be back from his 5-year long dump."

"Yeah."

She stood back up. "We'll heal, you hear? Kabuki district will be back."

"Yeah."

She turned around and walked towards the exit of the park. "I'll continue to fight, like Gin-san. I won't ever stop fighting."

"Yeah."

He looked at her receding back, her umbrella opening. She didn't look back. "But... If you ever need any help... The Yorozuya's open... We'll take any case. See you later, Sadist."

"..."

"Oh, and cut your hair... I can't stand you with it... It makes me feel weird."

"I'll keep it then, China."

"... B*stard"

And then she was gone.

Okita smiled up at the rising sun. He picked up the metal shard that he was holding earlier. He put it in his sleeve. Then he stood up and brushed himself off. He walked off towards the Shinsengumi station, the opposite way of where Kagura was heading.

With each step they went farther and farther away from each other.

Kagura looked down at her belt. A metal shard hung, tied around one of the hanging strings. Did he notice that she took one? Probably, after all, she had to move his pony-tail to get this one. He was too good of a fighter to miss that.

She who carried the umbrella and hides from the sun and yet greets it.

He who embraces the night but yet has no need to hide from the sun.

And they both smiled, one to the sunrise and one to the receding night, two halves of a rusty metal shard close to their heart.

* * *

So, that was chapter 30! (It is not connected to the plot of this story -if I have a plot- it's just a little fantasy snapshot of the movie)

I want Okita and Kagura to have their moment in the movie sooo much. I also wanted Kamui to show up and try to pull Kagura off of the infected Earth! I wanted to see how he'd look like in the future... Or will he still be alive then? Or maybe he lost all his hair by then!

This chapter isn't exactly at all that funny... Sorry! (TT~TT)

Thank you for reading!

Note: I have changed the rating of this fanfic to T... Because now I realize that 'T' would be more truthful... Concerning everyone's language... I try to put more comedy in but that doesn't cancel out Gintoki's foul mouth and p*nis jokes. Or all the violence and attempts of murder. (Okita Sougo, I am thinking of you, you b*stard for trying to kill Hijikata so many damn times!)

The next chapter is going to be about... I don't really know yet. But it'll be about something... I think.


	31. Chapter 31

_Tap tap tap... tip-pity tap tap tap..._

The familiar sound of rain made Kagura look over to the window. Little droplets ran down the panes. _Uh-oh,_ she thought._ Gintoki and Shinpachi didn't bring an umbrella._ With the rain, the park was probably closed. Usually she would be going shopping with Perm-hair and Glasses but today, she just didn't feel like it.

Besides, this is the perfect chance to see what Gintoki was always hiding in his room.

He always was so sneaky and quiet about it, and might have fooled any other human, but she was a yato and she knew he was hiding something. Kagura leaped up from her chair and ran into his room. She pulled out the drawers and rifled through them. _Was it a food? Sweets? Embarrassing photos from pre-puberty? _Those things he would definitely want to hide from her.

She pulled off the bed's covers. Nothing. She looked over to the bookshelf. Nothing abnormal there. She turned around and spotted another table in the corner. There was nothing on the table, but there was a drawer that she hadn't noticed before. She opened it. There was a slip of paper right on top. It said, 'Gintoki's boxers, do not look!'

It was practically asking Kagura to see what was inside. She lifted the paper.

The drawer had nothing but strawberry-printed boxers. Kagura looked at them, disappointed. It appears that she couldn't find what Gintoki was hiding after all. Then, she noticed something light pink in the back. She pulled on it to reveal...

One pink panty, which was labeled "Sachan" on the tab.

Kagura stared at it, her expression deadpan and carefully blank. She slammed the drawer closed. The lid cracked, but she just turned and walked from the room. She no longer wanted to find out whatever was in Gintoki's room.

She sat down on the table between the two seats. The two idiots were taking too much time to just buy some cheap food. Gintoki was probably slacking off and Shinpachi was probably checking every damn can or box for the cheapest type. _Gintoki and Shinpachi, come back already you assholes! I'm hungry and bored!_

At that moment the doorbell rang, making Kagura jump. She had a bad feeling. _I__t's just Gintoki and Shinpachi coming back and just in time too, I was thinking of cooking, _she thought, and she walked towards the room. "You forgot the umbrella, buttholes..."

She opened the door to stare in Abuto's face. He was wearing a long black cloak with a hood, and he was carrying a big white bundle. "I'm sorry, but we didn't order anything," she said, and she slammed the door closed and walked away, towards the other end of the room where her umbrella lay, chewing on her sukonbu and completely ignoring Abuto's knocking and cursing.

Behind her, as she casually reached down to pick up the umbrella, the door's lock was smashed open. Abuto swung open the door. "Captain's brat..."

'Captain's Brat' shoved her umbrella into Abuto's mouth and would have fired if he didn't dent the umbrella's barrel and reveal what was in the large white bundle which had been tied over his shoulder. Kagura looked down at the perspiring, slightly green, unconscious, and pain-filled face of Kamui. "What is this?"

Abuto slid the umbrella's barrel from his mouth and spat over his shoulder into a puddle on the road. "He was poisoned." He untied Kamui and dropped him on the floor, and then abruptly turned around and started to run out to the rain, opening his umbrella. "Keep the captain safe. I'm going to get an antidote. Try to dilute the poison."

And then he was gone, leaving Kagura in shock, her face whiter than it has ever been before.

Kagura looked down at Kamui, half-wrapped in a white sheet. She dragged him over to the sofa and threw him on it roughly. "Goddammit, butthole. Why do you have to come and ask for help after ditching me so many times to myself?" Kagura opened his mouth. "Get rid of the poison, he says... Where was it injected? I'll need to suck it out then... Or did he eat something that was poisoned?" She checked his arms and legs. No injection marks. She looked over his neck, torso, and even his toes.

The only thing that Kamui was wearing besides the sheet and the only thing that Kagura hadn't looked under was his trunks, which were red and dark red striped. She sat down on the floor next to him. "His mouth doesn't have any signs of poison. That means he must have been injected on his..."

Kagura stared at it, shadows covering her eyes. She ran into the bathroom and hurled into the sink. _What is the primary way of getting out poison?_

She wiped off her mouth with the back of her hand and noticed what she was gripping. Kagura held up a wallet that was held in Kamui's hand. She pulled out an address book. There was only one name on it.

Kagura dialed Abuto.

"Who is this?" Kagura could hear rain and running footsteps.

"Why the f*ck did you give _him_ to _me_?! Why don't you give it to someone else? A _doctor_ maybe? Isn't he partners with Takasugi? What am I supposed to do with the poison's source? This isn't my problem, b*stard!" Abuto had to hold the phone a foot away from him to keep his ears from being blasted off.

"Don't be so naive. If anyone finds out he's in a weak position, be it an enemy or partner, they'll be jumping to take advantage of it."

"What was he doing? How did he get poisoned?"

"_Oh_? You found the injection point?"

"... Answer the damn question, old man."

"He was taking a piss."

"..."

"Don't worry, I'll be back with the antidote soon."

"Where are you? Hurry back, goddammit! Wait, no, on't hang up! Wait!"

Kagura held up the phone and looked at the screen. The disconnected tone rang out. Her hand crushed the phone into tiny plastic metal pieces. There was only one thing that she could do. If she left him like that, he'd be dead before Abuto made it back. His face was turning a bad shade of purple. She walked over to Kamui's still form.

Suddenly, she turned from his body and went into the kitchen. She opened and looked over all the cupboards until she found what she would looking for. She walked over to Kamui, knelt down...

And raised the kitchen cleaver over her head.

_There is more than one way to get a poison out. _

* * *

And that way of getting the poison out isn't what you guys were thinking of, you dirty-minded people.

Ahaha! I just have to end it right here just before she tries to separate Kamui and his p*nis!

Thank you for reading, please review what you think!

*This chapter is stepping on the line crossing over to M-rating. I feel like all the chapters before this was too clean and not Gintama-dirty-jokes-like so this chapter is the marking of the new era of trying to keep people off my back as I conjure up penile references without actually saying it outright!

Especially since I've changed the rating of this fanfiction just before the last chapter's publishing!

This marks a new age, a new era!

Ooh-kay!

Let's get this parrr-dy started!*

(Mocking Hijikata)

Please favorite/follow!


	32. Chapter 32

Gintoki and Shinpachi opened the door just as Kagura brought the knife down at Kamui's crotch. Gintoki defied the laws of gravity, speed, and physics (yet again), and slammed the knife right out of Kagura's hand before she signed her brother up for eunuch-dom.

"Oi, Gintoki, what are you doing?" Kagura said walking over and reaching for the cleaver, which was three inches into the wall. She pulled it out, leaving a dent in the wood. Gintoki snatched the knife out of her hands. "Oi, oi, little girl, yourself! What are you doing? Every man deserves to keep their man-berries, no matter how evil they are. I, Sakata Gintoki, cannot just leave a crotch in danger!"

Kagura snatched the knife back and walked over to Kamui. "He got poisoned through his p*nis. We gotta dilute the poison, or else he'll die before Abuto makes it back with the antidote, if there even is any." Gintoki took the knife away from her and blocked her as she tried to take it back. "Oi, don't be so hasty... And how the f*ck did he get injected _there_?"

"He was taking a piss. There was probably a trap rigged in one of the urinals."

"Oh, well... Either live a life without your male parts, or not live at all." Gintoki gave the knife back to Kagura, his hand already reaching up to pick his nose. "Here, go ahead."

Shinpachi kicked the knife out of Kagura's hand, sending it spiraling and plunging it three inches deep... Right next to the first dent. "Wait a moment, you fools! What will we do if he wakes up and finds his dick missing, goddammit! You two are much too eager to cut off his p*nis, goddammit!"

Kagura and Gintoki stared back at Shinpachi. "Well, what's the alternative, Glasses?"

The three of them stared at Kamui's boxers.

Kagura got a mental image, and turned green.

Gintoki got a mental image, and he started to call his psychologist, sweat sliding down his face.

Shinpachi got a mental image, and he went white, and his stomach cramped.

They barely managed to get to the bathroom sink in time.

Much hurling later...

"You know, we can always leave him to die." Kagura said, wiping her mouth. "Yeah, no man wants to live without his soul." Gintoki splashed water on his face. "Abuto would kill us if we leave him to die." Shinpachi wiped his glasses.

"We'll just say that we tried, but it was too late, and he died." _We tried..._ Kagura vomited some more into the sink. "... He would still kill us." Gintoki said. "Kagura defeated him before, right?" Shinpachi was now grasping at straws.

"He'll be ready for me this time." Kagura was eating toothpaste.

"What if he brings Kamui's army of followers?" Gintoki was gripping his cup so hard there were cracks appearing on it.

"I'm trying to be optimistic here." The two pessimists were creeping Shinpachi out. They were definitely losing it.

"Well, we better get ready for a funeral. Kagura, you got any black clothes?" "Yeah, one, all the way in the back. The Shinsengumi uniform." "I'll get somebody to take off the buttons and nobody would be able to tell what they used to be. Let's get going."

Shinpachi nearly cracked his glasses as he wiped them continuously. _They were much too eager to kill off Kamui_, he thought.

Shinpachi put his glasses back on. Kagura continued vomiting into the sink.

The three of them reached for their respective toothbrushes and started to squeeze toothpaste on their toothbrushes. Simultaneously, they stuck the toothbrushes in their mouth and looked up at the mirror, their expressions blank. And they all simultaneously nearly swallowed their toothbrushes.

Shinpachi hurled back into the sink. Gintoki choked on the water he was rinsing out his mouth with. Kamui smiled at them, completely fine save for a light green tinge, and said, "do you guys have an extra set of toothbrushes around...?"

Kagura spat her toothbrush into his face. It slid down his cheek. He caught it. "Oh? May I borrow this one?" Kagura wiped her mouth and spat into the sink. "Oi, I thought you were on the verge of death, idiot older brother."

Kamui wiped off his cheek. "I was. I just need to..." He spat out some purple-black stuff into the sink. Gintoki and Shinpachi edged back, their faces white. Kagura leaned forward. "Oi, oi, what're you going to do with my toothbrush?"

Kamui smiled at her. "I just need to regurgitate the poison. To do that..." He spat out more purple-black stuff. Kagura watched. "How did you get all that up here?"

Kamui grinned at her, but this time purple-black poison tinged his teeth, shocking Gintoki and Shinpachi but not even making Kagura blink.

"Yato immune system. It completely shut me down to take care of it and collect the poison to get it all out in one go." Then he took Kagura's toothbrush and started to brush the poison off. Kagura tried to grab it back but he evaded her. "Oi, oi! You're poisoning my favorite toothbrush! I'll have to buy a new one goddammit!"

The doorbell chimed. Shinpachi started to scoot towards the door. "I'll go get it!" Ginoki scooted along with him in the same, slow and awkward movement. "Yes, yes, I'll go too!"

Kamui and Kagura paid them no mind. Kamui had finished brushing away his poisoned teeth, and was now trying to brush Kagura's teeth with the poisonous toothbrush, as she tried to poke out his left eye with Gintoki's toothbrush. _Oi, oi! Leave my toothbrush out of this!_

The two of them ran out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Gintoki and Shinpachi sighed. "Whew, finally out of danger..."

The front door being blasted open interrupted him. The door slammed into Gintoki and Shinpachi, flattening them. Rain pelted the floor right in front or where the door used to be. Abuto lifted the smoking barrel of his umbrella. "Oh? There was people there? Sorry, but you guys didn't answer the door so I figured I'd let myself in..."

_That's not how you do it, goddammit!_

Abuto walked over to them and took out a tiny packet. "Where's Kamui, I have the antidote..." The bathroom door crashed open, slamming him right out of the Yorozuya HQ and back outside, over the balcony. He landed with a dull thump and some splashing. The bathroom door crumpled to pieces on the welcome mat.

Kamui leaped out of the shadows first, but Kagura was close afterwards, hitting him on the head with Shinpachi's cup hard enough to shatter it. Kamui looked up at her, blood trickling out of his forehead. "Don't attack an injured man, little brat. I've just been poisoned, hm? This doesn't seem fair."

Kagura bashed him on the head with an issue of Jump. "You broke my goddamned toothbrush! And..." She spat on the table. Purple-black stuff stained the wood. "I'm poisoned too, after you stuck my toothbrush back in my mouth!"

Kamui held her back, his hands grabbing both her fists. "I need to go, before anyone notices my absence."

Kagura headbutted him out through the door and over the balcony. He crash-landed on Abuto. "Then go, you b*stard! Go!"

_Go like you've always gone before._

Kamui looked up at her. Her back was turned and she was walking back into the living room. "Hey, I'm not the kind of man who leaves debts unpaid." _Yes, yes he is, _thought Abuto, squashed under Kamui and the door.

Kamui tossed up a box. "That's my thanks." It landed on the table.

From inside the Yorozuya HQ, they heard them leave. The rain was letting up. Kagura was staring listlessly into the refrigerator. Shinpachi stared at the box. _And I thought that it would just be a normal shopping day, too._

Gintoki reached over and picked up the box. Kagura snapped up and stared at him. Shinpachi looked over. Gintoki opened the box. In a flash, both Shinpachi and Kagura were behind him, looking over his shoulder. In Shinpachi's hand was the wet laundry he had collected from the laundry lines, and in Kagura's hand was the door to the fridge, which she had torn completely off in her haste to get to Gintoki.

In the box was one little piece of paper labeled 'thanks'.

_Dafuq... Well, it is his thanks..._

"You damn b*stard!" Gintoki roared. "Gimme goddamn money, I don't want your goddamn thanks!" He flipped the box to Kagura. Kagura tore up the box as Gintoki took the paper into his hands and nearly ripped it up if Shinpachi didn't stop him. "Gin-san! Don't! It's a check!"

They flipped the paper around. There was 500,000 yen card payable to [blank] for damages. _He knew in advance that he would have to pay for damages..._ There was also one little pink card labeled for Kagura. She picked it up. 200,000 yen payable to Kagura. Kagura blinked. There was also a few character witten down in the back.

She had a bad feeling about this. She flipped it around and read the limitations. And then she ripped the card to pieces.

"Those 200,000 yen can stay in your bank account and rot, you damn b*stard, Kamui! Better yet you can stick it up your anus!"

* * *

Kagura's Card

200,000 payable to Kagura

Limitations

Usable only to buy "Happy Birthday Brother" Cards

* * *

Abuto watched as Kamui chewed his way through a mountain of food. "Your birthday is coming up." Kamui stuck his head out of the big hole he had made on the side of a turkey. "Mmf? Fo, it'ph if." (so, it is.)

"Do you want anything?"

"No, not really." _Crunch. Snap. Slurp._

"Do you think Kagura would get you anything?"

"I sent her a reminder."

"... What sort of reminder?"

"Oh, no, if I killed her she wouldn't be able to buy me a present now, can she? I just sent her something to help her along buying my present."

"I found a check on my dresser this morning."

"Mmf?" Kamui was too focused on his food.

"It was payable to me and I could also only buy Happy Birthday Captain Cards."

"Oh? I wonder who put it there."

"You're the only one I call captain."

"..." _Chomp... Crick... Chew._

"There was also a big post-it taped on my calender."

"..."

"It was so big I couldn't tell which day the birthday was on."

"..." Kamui had stopped eating.

Finally, the thick fog of hunger had lifted, and his message had gotten through.

His goal accomplished, Abuto took his exit.

* * *

The next day, just as Abuto expected, the post-it on his calendar was changed. It was now with a date, although it didn't change the slightest bit in size.

The birthday-cake shaped post-it was still covering his entire damned schedule.

Abuto looked up at the ceiling. _A man is always a boy at heart, and this one is even more of a boy due to his lack of a proper childhood._

And then he thought...

_What do you get a killer?_


	33. Chapter 33

Kagura stared into a flower, where a bee was buzzing around and flicking pollen everywhere. "Hedoro," Kagura said, calling him over. "I wanna give someone a present... Do you have any poisonous plants here for sale? Like giant Venus fly-traps or ...? What do you mean you don't have them?"

Abuto watched as a goldfish burbled its way through a series of tubes inside a tank. "Manager," Abuto said. "I've got somebody important's birthday comin' up. Do you by any chance have some piranhas, you know, the man-eating ones...? Hello?... Well by any chance do you have any sharks?"

Kagura flipped her way through a book. "I don't exactly think of the guy as someone who would read manga or _Jump_." She told the bookstore lady. She slid the book back onto the shelf. "Honestly, I think he may be illiterate." She stopped at a shelf, and looked down. She picked up a worn, cloth-bound book. "One Thousand Ways to Make Poison," she read.

Abuto walked along the bookshelves. "I don't know what he likes to read," he told the man next to him. "I've never seen him read anything but a few words before. All the paperwork is left to his secretary... He knows what the 'food' kanji looks like." Suddenly, a colorful children's book caught his eye. He picked it up, much to the surprise of the bookstore keeper. "Learning to Read," he said aloud.

Kagura paced along the aisle of a clothing store. "No, no... I've never seen him in anything but his damn yukata... I have no idea what his favorite color is, even!" She reached out to the side, and picked something randomly off the shelf. "I'll just give him this, whatever it is, no matter what it is!" She opened her eyes and stared at the C-size pink lace bra in her hands.

Abuto looked into a restaurant. _No,_ he thought. _Food is not what you give to that bottomless pit._ It'll be gone down his esophagus before he figures out what type of food it even was. He went into a supermarket. Maybe something spicy... Something you have to eat slowly... Something you can't digest... His eye suddenly caught a display shelf. "Bubble Gum: Orange Twist" it read.

Kagura went into a gift shop. All it really had was jewelry, cards, and balloons. She looked into the Happy Birthday Brother section. Nothing but balls and sports and an occasional shounen manga novels. She peeked in the balloon section. A lady was shoving some in a bag. "Oi, what are you doing?" Kagura asked. "These are extras from last year. No one really wants them. I'm going to throw them out." Kagura took the bag. "Can I have it?"

Abuto found himself in a hardware store. He looked around, at the gleaming hammers and packets of nails. "Really, I've never seen him fix anything that he had broke. He always leaves it to his employees, and expects the damage to be fixed in an instant." He walked far into the back until he reached the heavy equipment. He turned a corner, and spotted something that caught his attention.

Kagura stepped into the Shinsengumi station. She was stopped at the gate by Hijikata. "Oi, you aren't wanted here." She looked up at him and said, "do you guys happen to have some extra katanas, or any extra guns, or maybe a bazooka?" Toshi grabbed her arm and started to drag her towards the exit. "Even if we did, we can't give it to you..."

Okita ran out from the station, holding up a bazooka. "I have an extra!" He fired, blasting Kagura right out of the station. "Oops! I accidentally pulled the trigger..." A burnt Toshi appeared from behind him. "You goddamn b*stard! Here," He said, taking the bazooka from Okita's hands and tossing it to Kagura. "You can have that. If the Sadist continues to have that bazooka, I'd be dead before tomorrow."

Kagura caught the bazooka. "Here, mayo-freak, hold Sougo still! This is my thanks!" Hijikata smiled at Okita and held him up. Okita looked from Kagura and Toshi. "Eh..?" Kagura fired, her broken and burnt hair-clip flying away and clattering on the street from the force of the blast. Okita was slammed through the door, leaving a smoking hole. Hijikata looked at the smoking hole calmly and lit a fresh cigarette. "Bulls-eye." Hijikata said, and saluted to Kagura as she walked away. She saluted back. "Roojer!"

Abuto strode through the shelves of a Poison/Antidote/Herb store. He picked up a few different dried plants, and then put them back down again. Kamui wasn't the type to use poison unless he was forced. He was more of a guy who sent his victim off. As he walked from the store, he saw what they had on their 'Specialty' display. "Guaranteed to Calm You Down, hm?" He said, picking up the tea bags. "Let's see if this works." He paid and put it in his pocket. "Chamomile tea... I wonder if he would even be able to make it... I've never seen him cook before."

Kagura plopped down everything she had collected that day, and threw it all on the table. She grabbed a huge box, wrote a note, and threw all the things that she had bought into the giant box. She wrapped it up and taped it shut. "Happy Birthday, idiot older brother," she said, taping some stamps on it, and then she woke up Sadaharu and said, "time to go to the post office, boy!"

Abuto emptied his pocket and his cloak. He had no idea what he should give to Kamui, so might as well just give him everything he picked up today. He tossed it all into a giant box and sent it to a gift-wrapping store. "Mail to Kamui, after you're done wrapping it, please," he said, putting the heavy box onto the table. He handed over some bills. "If I don't see it in the mail tomorrow, I'll send him here to pick it up... You get my meaning?"

The professional wrapper nodded. She definitely did not want Kamui, the King of yato, to come over and pick up his own birthday present because they had failed to mail it.

That would be disaster.

* * *

Kamui opened his eyes. The window was closed, but he knew that the sun outside was shining. The employee's gift to him was a giant cake waiting for him in the dining room. He got up. Time to get his way through the fake smiles and the scared wincing...

He stepped onto the carpet and threw on his yukata. He left the buttons open. He walked over to the door and opened it, ready to walk out into the hallways. Two giant boxes sat there, bluntly blocking his way to breakfast. He stared at them in silence and picked them up, one arm each and brought them inside.

One was professionally wrapped, all glittering foil and gold bows, and was labeled, 'Happy Birthday Captain'. The other was badly hand-wrapped, with block red paper and a giant silver bow. It was labeled, 'Happy Birthday, Idiot Older Brother'.

Kamui ripped up the professionally wrapped one first. He reached inside, and took out a... Book. He opened it. "Learning to read is fun," he read. He stared at it, and then tossed it over his shoulder. He looked back into the box. He took out something else. A tiny sweet-scented packet and something that smelled like sugary flowers. He unwrapped both and stuffed them into his mouth. They smelled like food.

As he chewed them (the contents were very chewy), he rummaged and saw the last thing in the box. A giant chainsaw... And a book on how to use it. Kamui smiled at it. Now, that's a good present.

He walked over to other present. He ripped it open and a huge colorful rainbow appeared in his eyes. A storm of differently-colored balloons flew up and burst free from their cage. They hit the ceiling and bobbed up and down. Kamui stared into the box, swallowing the mixture of whatever Abuto bought him. (An entire packet of bubblegum and chamomile tea leaves!)

He looked into the box. His senses tingled. Was that... Smoke? The automatic bazooka in it beeped once. Hearing that shrp beep Kamui had heard one too many times as he was chased by the police, he leaped back from the box on instinct, and just in time too; it ejected half a second later. Smoke appeared from where his door used to be. Smoke alarms rang.

But Kamui didn't notice anything else but what the bazooka had shot out. It was a card. He tucked it into his yukata. Now was not the time to read it. He looked into the box carefully. The gun was off. There was only one bullet in it...

There were two last things in it. Kamui picked them up. One was a worn book that he tossed away... And the other was a C-size pink lace bra. "I think this suits you..." was written on the tag.

A maid ran into the room, holding a broom. Kamui looked at her, holding up the bra. She stared at him. He stared at her bust. It looked around the size of the bra. He compared, and then reached a decision. "Here, you can have this." He tossed it to her and left, walking out into the hallway, where Abuto was waiting. As soon as he got to him, he slammed Abuto into the metal wall, creating a dent. "I can read, you idiot."

And then he disappeared into the dining room, ready to destroy a giant birthday cake.

* * *

Kagura sat up on the Yorozuya HQ sofa, chewing on her sukonbu. She stared at the wall, not really seeing it. _I wonder if he got my present yet? And the note..._

She remembered just writing whatever she wanted on that little card. _What did I write? I think it was something along the lines of..._

Dear Idiot Older Brother

Happy Birthday, butthole. I hope you don't make it to your next one, or else I'd have to find the crappiest present to give to you next year, (again). How's your hair? I hope it has all fallen out. Hopefully you'll choke on your birthday cake. I have a funeral planned for you. Rest assured, dear brother of mine, I got a coffin waiting and ready. I even got a gravestone carved out.

Enjoy your birthday, butthole.

-Kagura

P.S. The book of poisons I got you? It's ripped in half, if you bothered to notice it. You have to poison half, but I have the antidote half- so those won't work on me, you b*stard! Find someone else to test those on.

P.P.S. The next time you drop by the Yorozuya I'm going to kill you.


	34. Chapter 34

This chapter marks the end of the KamuiXKagura arcs (for the time being, they'll be back!) and the re-entrance of... Okita Sougo!

And therefore, and the pairing of SadistXChina (or ToshiXKagura actually...) and their random one-shots that just pop into my mind! Whooohooo! XD

Thank you for reading and reviewing!

* * *

Okita murmured in his sleep. Even outside, silently practicing, Hijikata could hear him. "Twelve thousand and eighty-two, Toshi the eunuch makes twelve thousand and eighty-three..." Hijikata wiped sweat off his forehead. More sweat dripped down his chest. _Is this the reason I can't sleep at night?_ He reached for his mayonnaise bottle, uncapped it, and was about to drain its contents when someone appeared behind him and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

Mayonnaise shot out of his nose. He coughed violently. "Oi, oi, mayo-freak, you okay?" Kagura swapped him on the back. _Crack._ There goes his spine. Hijikata crumpled down, wheezing. Kagura stood over him, her thick red skirt flapping against her knees. It was chilly outside, and it was well into autumn, but Hijikata wore only his pants.

Hijikata tried to get up... And twisted his spine back into where it had gotten dislodged by Kagura's helpful pat. "Gragkkk!" He half-cursed (*crap) as he fell back into the ground. "Mayo-fanatic? Did you strain a muscle or something?" Kagura knelt down next to him. "I'll rub it for you if you want me too."

"Y-you'll tear off my skin, you little brat." Hijikata leaned on his elbows and slowly got up into a sitting position. "What are you doing here, goddammit? Don't you ever do that again! You scared the crap out of me... I thought you were Okita Sougo!"

Behind them, through the window, Okita's eyes flickered open at the sound of his name. His pupils glowed red. He turned, pulled off his sleeping mask, and looked out the window...

Kagura made a face at Hijikata. "I didn't come here to be insulted, you know. I just... Have a morning exercise program at the park in an hour, and I have some time left to spare, so I came here." Hijikata looked towards the sunrise. It was barely up, painting the skies just a slightest bit of orange and red. "This early, eh?"

Kagura pulled him up by an arm. "Are you still practicing by yourself?" _Crick! _"Gah... Argh!" Kagura looked down at him. He again lay fallen on the ground. He was holding his shoulder. "I think you dislocated my shoulder..." Kagura sat back down next to him. "Really, you should always stretch before exercising, or else you'll pull a muscle."

"What is with you and pulling a muscle? That clearly does not have anything to do with this! It's you who repeatedly get me injured, you little bitch!" Kagura helped him up. "My stretching teacher always says to be careful before he stamps my book." She slung him over her shoulder. "I'll get you inside." Hijikata pushed her aside. "It's my spine and my shoulder that you broke, not my leg... Crap!" Pain from his sore spine made his knees buckle. "Godammit, I feel like I'm getting old."

Kagura placed her hand on his back. "This is the part where I patted. It's red and you have a big bruise." Hijikata glared at her, suspiscous. "I think Gintoki sicced you on me, goddammit. That was not a pat, that was something that nearly knocked the soul from my body." Kagura rolled her eyes. "I didn't hit you there." "I was talking about my soul ('tama') not my balls ('tama' as well), you dirty... Oof!"

Kagura picked him up, princess-style. "What are you doing anyway, I thought you were going to train with your fellow dogs of Bakufu in the future." Hijikata grabbed his mayonnaise bottle from his belt. "I still am training with them... But I still can't sleep. It probably has something to do with what Okita does when he prays for my demise."

Kagura walked into the room where the other Shinsengumi officers were snoring. She was looking around for a good place to but him down when, suddenly, she threw Hijikata down forcefully. He hit the floor hard. "Gah-hak, what are... What do you think you're doing?!"

He felt light; he had something missing. Without looking down he knew what was missing. Silver flashed in the edges of his vision. Okita leaped out of the dark corner, his katana out and his eyes glowing. He sliced his sword... Right though the air where Hijikata used to be.

Kagura dropped down from her perch on the ceiling, bringing Hijikata's sword, which she had stolen from Hijikata right as she threw him down and saved his life. She aimed right for Okita as he stood over Hijikata and shot down. Just as she thought that he would get run right through, he leaped back, too fast for her brain to recognize. And who she was going to run through was the one that she had so ironically saved just a heartbeat before.

Hijikata watched as Kagura fell down, sword out, too fast to stop her own momentum. Okita skidded to a stop five meters away, his own sword out, but he was already straightening from battle position. The battle was already over. Kagura had missed her target and was about to do her own opponent a favor. _Little brat, you haven't experienced how lightning fast Okita could be yet, right? _Hijikata closed his eyes...

Kagura crashed into the floor. Dust rose. Okita looked over to the damaged floor. He didn't see Hijikata's blood. Officers still lay there sleeping peacefully, the entire exchange just a few creaks short of silent from the experience of the trained fighters.

_Clatter_. Okita's eyes narrowed. A figure was rising from the smoke. His back to the sunrise, metal in his hand glinting red.

Hijikata slowly stood up, his katana extended out. He tilted his head and looked down at Okita. "That was low, Sougo." The dust cleared. Kagura lay on the floor, evidently not doing well. Her rib and stomach had taken the full brunt of a full-on impact with the floor to evade slicing Hijikata in half. Usually she would be able to bounce back and land on her feet but that move would have tossed her over to the spot that was now held by... The Sadist, who definitely chose to slide back five meters for a reason.

Kagura spat out blood. She looked up and grinned at Okita, her teeth bloody. "I'd rather die than do your dirty work for you. Kill your own vice-captain, you b*stard."

Hijikata raised his katana and grinned in the same fashion. "Oi, Okita, I've got two handicaps today and I'm not half done with my training. Care to be my punching bag?"


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35! Yeah! This is the re-entrance of the Shisengumi! Let's gooooooo!

* * *

Two Shinsengumi officers and one red-haired Yato sat on one side of a steel table, their heads bowed. One man sat opposite them, his feet up on the table, shoving it under the one sitting in the middle, a black-haired man.

"I'm going to count to three, and if you don't say what you guys were doing destroying the Shinsengumi station before I even woke up, I'll shoot." He raised his gun. "One..." _Blam!_

The three of them didn't even flinch. "Two..." _Blam!_

Matsudaira gritted his teeth on his cigarette. "If you continue to stay silent I'll kill one of you."

"Kill this one! The sadist-o-aru!"

"Kill the vice-captain!"

"Hell no, you b*stard! Kill the captain of the first division!"

"Yeah, it's two against one! Kill the brown-blondie-aru!"

Matsudaira took out his replacement gun. It was twice as big as the he formerly held. "Shut up!"

Silence...

"Hijikata!" Hijikata jumped. "What were you doing?"

"I was training, sir."

"And how did you manage to blow a hole in the Shinsengumi, eh?"

"That was Okita Sougo, sir."

"Okita!" Okita sat up just the slightest bit straighter. "Why did you blow a hole the Shinsengumi station?"

"I thought I saw a fly, no, two of them. Breeding. And it was fairly disgusting so I just fired off a bit at them."

"I thought you were told to never touch a bazooka ever again."

"It was laying in the corner, sir."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yes, sir."

"So why did you touch the bazooka after trying to slice Hijikata in half?"

"That was Kagura, sir."

"Kagura!" Kagura picked her nose and flicked it off. "Aru?" Matsudaira narrowed his eyes. "Why did you try to slice my vice-captain in half?"

"I was trying to slice Okita in half. It was an accident, sir."

"Why are you off creating these accidents before I even woke up? Why do you insist on making havoc before I even brushed my teeth, little girl?"

"I think that it would be on the terms on when you woke up. At the time of our fight, most would be already awake."

"Oh? And why would I be an exception, yato? Am I lazy? Slow? Old?" Matsudaira cocked his gun.

"No, I think it's because you were out partying last night and drank too much."

Hijikata and Okita held straight faces.

_Blam! Blam! Blam!_

* * *

Hijikata shut the door to the superintendent office and turned to his two companions. "I don't know how we managed to survive that."

Kagura raised her hand. "Oi, but I do. He shot one at each of our forehead, right? Well, Okita was at your left and was first, right? So he slipped his hand and edged you closer and used you as a shield. And then it was your turn, but then you weren't there 'cause you were at Okita's right, and then it was my turn, and he fired, but I slanted myself as I talked, and dodged the bullet seeming like I hadn't moved, but really he just shot with his instinct, where I used to be."

Hijikata's hand tightened on his katana. "Go back, repeat what you said, China."

"Eh? Uh... And then it was your turn..."

"No, before that..."

"Ano (um)... So he slipped his hand and edged you closer and used you as a shield..." Kagura suddenly noticed that one person was missing from the three that had left the office.

Hijikata's katana glinted as he threw off the sheath and for Okita's fast retreating back. "Where do you think you're going, you b*stard?!"

Hijikata raced after Okita, his hair flying up. Some hair dropped to the floor. The bullet just grazed him and burned off a few. Thank goodness... Actually, now that she thought about it, it may actually be that Okita saved his life when he pulled him down. Oh, well. She put her hand into her pocket. Three bullets clinked against each other gently.

She unfurled her umbrella and walked off towards the sunrise.

* * *

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of the 100-yen store manager!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of the dango store cook!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of the captain!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of the vice-captain!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of the first division captain!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of the redhead next to the first division captain!

Yamazaki gets sent to the hospital!

* * *

Kondou flipped open a newspaper. Okita sat to his left, biting into a bun viciously. Hijikata sat to his right, smearing his bun with excessive mayonnaise. There was a tense silence.

Kondou flipped to a page in the newspaper. Hijikata and Okita watched him. _He isn't going to mention the suspension of his two best officers and the casualty of his top spy?_ They peeked over his shoulder, Okita still chewing his bun and Hijikata still smearing mayonnaise on his mayonnaise on his mayonnaise on his bun which was full of mayonnaise. (You get my point?)

It was rare to see Kondou interested in the news. What was he reading? Okita and Hijikata stared over the left and right shoulder, respectively. Okita took another bite of his breakfast and chewed. Hijikata's mayo on his mayo on his mayo on his mayo-filled bun spilled on his plate.

They looked at the article Kondou was reading. _Best Strip Clubs of Kabuki-Chou..._ Hijikata shook his head, sweat sliding his neck. No, no, Kondou isn't that desperate. Surely he's reading something else. Hijikata looked over to the other contents of the page...

_Top Courtesans of the Yoshiwara_

_How to Get Girls_

_Are you a Gorilla or a Man?_

_Buy a Whip get Collar and Chain for FREE!_

_Top Prostitutes_

_Would you like to join a Host Club?_

_Cabaret Club! (XXX-XXX-XXXX)_

Hijikata put his bun down. Now, it could be barely seen under the mayonnaise. There goes his last bit of hope for his commander. Hijikata sighed. There goes his last bit of respect too... _Snip snip..._

Hijikata looked up. Who? What?

Okita's bun was half in his mouth and he was cutting coupons for whips and collars and chains off Kondou's newspaper. He chewed a bit and snipped off another piece. "Mmf, bhi wun ge' wun fhi." (Hm, buy one get one free.)

Hijikata's bangs fall over his eyes. He reached for his katana.

"Regulation XX; No blatantly inappropriate material, goddammit!"

* * *

Okita sat outside the Shinsengumi, watching as the trainees practiced. Yamazaki was playing badminton. Hijikata was chasing him with a bazooka.

Just a peaceful day at the Shinsengumi.

Kondou was stripping in the back of the lawn. My, that's a lot of hair down there.

Just a regular day at the Shinsengumi.

Some other trainees were playing ping-pong. Since when did they get that table? Hijikata was now chasing them around with a unsheathed katana.

Just a perfect day at the Shinsengumi.

Especially since Hijikata was completely out in the open on the lawn and his attention on the slacker.

Okita aimed his bazooka.

Just an average day at the Shinsengumi.

*Big Exploding Noise*

* * *

Yamazaki shares a room with vice-captain!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into roommate vice-captain's Afro!

Yamazaki sparking anpan into the face of head nurse!

Yamazaki-

"Yamazaki if you dare goddamn spark another goddamn anpan I'll throw you into jail, goddammit, you idiot!"

(Say that in Hijikata's voice)


	36. Chapter 36

Okita looked up at the stormy clouds over his head. It bore news of heavy rain and thunder. It was just eight o' clock pm, but it was already the pitch-black you see at midnight, no, even blacker because there were no stars and no moon. Tonight was going to be irregular- Okita could almost feel it. Moist air lay still and heavy and thick. People could barely breathe. All the officers were wearing loose, brown/gray yukatas.

Hijikata couldn't light his cigarette (failing miserably and cursing) because all the wet air collected on every surface and the cigarette would fizz out before he managed to take in a drag. Even if he did manage to take one, the humidity made it feel like he was breathing in steamy nicotine. Not a good feeling.

"What horrible weather," he said, standing next to Okita, who was laying on his back on the grass looking up at the sky. Behind them, static crackled in the radio. "... Any one living in Kabuki... Must leave at once... Typhoon... Stormy clouds... Address... 312 to 556... Do not go outdoors... Have another source of heat... Keep children in..."

The door to the room opened. "Oi, oi, is this the room we've been assigned to?" Gintoki, in his pajamas (strawberry printed on blue) picked his nose. Hijikata turned around, his eyes blazing. "What are you doing here, you b*stard?!" Behind Gintoki, Kagura stepped in, carrying a giant pillow, also in pajamas (pink with frills). "The Yorozuya Gin-chan is in a Danger 'C' zone. The Shinsengumi station is supposed to double as a safe house for any citizens... Do you have any sukonbu?"

Shinpachi came out from behind Kagura, his arm behind his head. "Um... So, is this your room? Sorry to intrude... Oi! Kondou! What're you doing?! Oi! My sister isn't going to sleep with you alone! Otae! I'm coming!"

The door slammed closed. Gintoki plopped down. "Ah, so I guess it's just the four of us then." Kagura walked over to where two mats lay. She chose the smaller one. "Ooh, this one is comfortable. I'm claiming it."

Suddenly, the covers were lifted. Okita stared down at her. "Oi, that's my bed, China."

Kagura pulled the covers back. "I'm not coming out." She felt the covers lift, and someone slide into the mat with her. "Oi, oi! This is one person only!"

Hijikata and Gintoki watched as the mat bulged and fidgeted around. They watched as the inhabitants clearly wrestled within. They watched as the sleeping mat flipped over. They watched as the mat rolled from one side of the room to the other.

Hijikata pulled out a 100-yen coin and tossed it to Gintoki. "If it lands on heads, you pay for the marriage. If it lands on tails, I'll pay for the funeral."

Behind them, muffled voices shouted out, "oi! Don't bet on whether you'd kill or wedlock us together on a coin!"

"Then again, both are the same thing, really."

"Shut up, Sadist!"

Gintoki flipped the coin. Just as it made contact with the floor Kagura and Okita freed themselves from the mat and raced across the room. By the time the coin showed what side was up, Kagura and Okita had already crushed it to dust. The only one who saw the result was Hijikata, who was three feet away from all the action and had a bird-eye view of what had occurred.

The momentum of their wild race to crush the coin slammed Okita into Kagura and them both on Gintoki.

"Gurg... Get the damn brats off me."

* * *

Okita lay on one of the mats, Kagura lay on the other. Gintoki was fiddling around with the radio and Hijikata was watching him. "Hurricane... Shimura dojo... Humidity... Kabuki district... Warning... Flooding... Storm... Do not go out at any cost if you are currently in a code A area... Police force sent to check every house... Stay under shelter..."

The radio burped out static and died. Gintoki, which his face smeared black with soot and oil, said, "wha..?" Just as the lights flickered out. Outside, the storm began. The thunder of the rain hitting the roof was nearly loud enough to cover the real thunder, but they could still see the lightning. The lights flickered back on. Hijikata went over and closed the door to the back yard.

Yamazaki opened the door and looked into the room. "The lights are on emergency battery. Try not to use it all up. Get some sleep. Care for some anp-" Hijikata slammed the door shut. "No."

Hijikata sighed. The humidity in the room seemed to get all sucked out. Gintoki's curly hair fluffed up to an Afro at the sudden change in water to air ratio. "Argh..." Without the humidity, it was easier to breathe... Until they realized how cold it actually was. Kagura shivered. She left her own clothes back at the Yorozuya. Sadaharu was in another room. (He voted unsafe because he tried to bite off people's heads).

Hijikata threw her one of Okita's extra jackets. "It's a bit big, but he won't mind." Sure enough, the sadist was sound asleep on a mat, drooling, his mask on. He was completely oblivious to the thunder and lightning. Kagura grabbed the jacket and slipped into it. It really was too big.

She crawled into Sougo's mat and pushed him off the top of it. He continued to sleep. Gintoki walked over to Hijikata's mat. "We should all try to get some sleep..." Hijikata pulled the covers off him. "Where do you think you're sleeping, goddammit?"

He pulled the covers off some more. "I'll sleep on this. You can have the mat." He pulled the blanket to the far side of the room and lay on it.

Behind him, Okita snored, Kagura snored, and Gintoki snored. Even their snores were annoying. Hijikata was sure that he wouldn't get a wink of sleep. Okita sniffed and breathed in and out just loud enough to be heard, Kagura aru'd, and Gintoki rumbled.

But somehow, the rhythm of their snores lulled him right to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Kagura was woken up by a curious noise. She shifted, dislodging Okita's place on top of her legs, and sending him into a face-plant with the floor. He woke up instantly. "Oi, oi, what was that for, China?"

Kagura grabbed his sleeping mask and pulled him close. "Shhh! What was that?" The sound echoed through her ears.

Okita blinked. "..." He looked for the source of it "... I think... I think it's Hijikata snoring."

Kagura blinked. _Wha...?_

"Who the hell snores like that?!"

"..."

"What is he trying to say?"

"... You know, it sort of sound like he's trying to say 'mayo' over and over again, China."

"... Sadist, you're freaking me out!"

Mayo... Mayo... Mayo... *snore

* * *

So! Now that the main Shinsengumi characters are back- first off, an arc! And then a few one-shots... And then I don't really know what I'll do after that, but I'll think of something.

OkitaXKagura is back! Hijikata once again gets pissed off by Gintoki!

Thank you for reading! Please review!


	37. Chapter 37

Hijikata opened his eyes to the sunlight. Good god, it's already this late. Usually he would already be awake. Guess waking early was taking a toll on him. Everyone is probably awake already... He turned around. Okita was on top of Kagura and they were both asleep. Gintoki was snoring and drooling in a corner, covered by Hijikata's mat. Kagura was still wearing Okita's jacket, and it was getting wrinkled. They were all fast asleep.

Hijikata stood up and shook himself off. "Good god, it's halfway into the day and they're still in dreamland." He walked over and kicked Okita. "Oi, wake up. You've got a duty cleaning up the streets." He walked over to the window and dragged the curtains open. He looked outside. Puddles everywhere, branches everywhere. Some fallen trees, but otherwise all was fine.

Yamazaki raced into the room. "Oi, you awake? All men on patrol! Each man has to pick up at least twenty-five pounds of fallen branches! And the sewers are over-flooding! Vice-captain, you're on top, because the captain somehow got two arms broken by this girl..."

Hijikata opened the door. "Whu...?" Yamazaki dragged him out of the room and down the hallway. "People are awaiting your orders!"

Okita pulled off his sleeping mask. He tossed it into the corner. He got up and went to the door. He opened it. Then he looked over to the two still asleep citizens and left. "Picking up trash on the streets... What a boring task."

By the time he had made it to the gate, in his uniform, Hijikata was already shouting orders into a radio. He was so used to taking his captain's role that he didn't even have any trouble. "Division 4, you have streets between the beach and the east Shinsengumi station! Division 5, you have the beach! Division 6, you have license to climb up on the roofs and gathering any electrical wires that might present any danger. Division 7 and 8, you have the patrol cars, take them and go with the fire trucks as they pick up the larger fallen trees!"

Okita looked around. "Eh? Where's my division?" Hijikata closed the radio. "I let your best man lead them today." Okita looked over to him. "Am I demoted to cherry boy for the captain now?"

"No, you're vice-captain for the day."

"Same thing."

"You! B*stard!"

"Oi, oi! Move!" Hijikata and Okita leaped out of the way. Kagura, atop Sadaharu, ran in between them and was gone in an instant. "Gin-chan, I'll be by the Yorozuya, I heard Otose has a fallen tree! I'll go help her!"

Okita and Hijikata watched as the fallen tree most nearby got picked up by Kagura and thrown into a nearby garbage truck. "What strength..." Hijikata said. Behind them, Gintoki stepped out of the gate. He was still in his boxers, and he was rubbing his face. "Oi, this is way too early to be awake." Okita looked up at the sky. The sun was high up in the sky. Then he straightened and started to walk off. "I'm going off to my patrol, captain." Hijikata let him go. "Wait! What patrol?!"

"I'm doing what you do every day as vice-captain... Guess I'd better go and buy two giant packets of mayonnaise, cut my hair, and start acting like an English professor with his cellphone up his ass." Hijikata watched as he walked away. "I feel as if I've been insulted."

Gintoki passed him by. "Don't strain your brain too much, captain." Then he too, walked off. Hijikata watched as he made his grand exit. "Oi... oi, you're barefoot." Gintoki continued walking, ignoring him. "Oi! oi!"

"Jeez, what pride."

* * *

Kagura sat on the floor next to the TV later that day. Shinpachi was somewhere behind her, bustling around and complaining how the wind had ruined his laundry lines. Gintoki was fully dressed and was laying lengthwise on the sofa. Kagura sucked on her sukonbu. She pressed a few buttons on the TV. "It's not turning on."

Shinpachi walked over and sat down. "Really? Let me try." He pressed a few buttons. Suddenly, the door opened. Tama walked in. "I'm sorry, but I am here to warn you not to use the TV or else you may get electrocuted."

Shinpachi's hand was still on the button. "G-gah!" (Fzzzzhpepepat!) His hair flew up at the shock. Kagura watched all this with interest. "Cool! Let me try."

Gintoki put down his _Jump_. "O-oi!"

Kagura pressed down a button. Electricity shot out. It didn't crawl up her arm and fry her skin, like it did with Shinpachi, instead it shot across the room and nearly blew Gintoki's balls off. "O-oi! That's dangerous! Why aren't you shocked? Let go goddammit!" Kagura lifted her finger off the button. Next to her, a blackened and toasted Shinpachi lay fallen, smoke coming out of his mouth and ears. "Ooh! We can use to the TV to cook barbecue!"

"What are you trying to fry, rotir al grill de Gintoki's balls, goddammit?!"

* * *

Okita and Hijikata sat in their room. They had their lunch break. Toshi was smearing mayonnaise all over his rice. Okita wasn't looking at it, but instead was folding his clothes. "Oi, this jacket... It's wrinkled."

Hijikata paused from shoving mayonnaise and rice into his mouth (ratio, 2:1) and looked up. "Oh! That..."

Okita sniffed the jacket. "It smells like Kagura."

"Yeah... I lent it to her last night because she was cold." Okita folded it up and tossed it to his bed. "God, it's all wrinkled and it smells like sukonbu... I'll never get it out." Hijikata raised his eyebrows and continued eating, his towering lump of mayonnaise blocking his view.

When Hijikata finished, he took his bowl and opened the door and stared out into the hallway. "Hurry up, Okita, it's our turn now." He left and walked towards the gate again. "Back to organizing..." Behind him footsteps echoed. He turned around. "Okita?"

"Yes, captain Mayo?" A lighter flickered on.

"What are you doing?" Smoke drifted out into the air.

"Burning this jacket, captain Mayo."

"..."

"I can't stand the stink."

* * *

A few blocks away, Kagura sneezed. "I feel like I've just been insulted."

Behind her, Gintoki was tearing apart a packet of red beans and spilling the entirety of the contents over a bowl of rice. Shinpachi poured dog food into Sadaharu's bowl. They both ignored her. Kagura's eye twitched. "I dunno who said anything, but I feel like I wanna beat up a Sadist."

Sachan popped out of the cupboard Gintoki was standing over. "I'm here! Gintoki can beat this Sadist up when and wherever he wants!"

Gintoki shoved her back into the cupboard and closed it. "Shinpachi, do we have any duct tape?" Shinpachi thought for a bit. "Uh, yeah. I think there's some in the drawer over there." Gintoki fumbled around in the drawer until he got a roll and started to tape the entire cupboard shut.

Kagura walked over to her room and pulled out her umbrella. "I'm going out." "Where, Kagura?" Shinpachi stopping pouring dog food. Sadaharu bit his hand. "To the park. I'm going to see if everything's all right."

"Okay, then what do you need the umbrella for?"

"It's the Sadist's patrol at the park today."


	38. Chapter 38

Kagura watched as Okita stood on a statue, holding up a loudspeaker and directing his division into groups as they cleared up fallen branches, cracked stones, overturned benches, and litter. Suddenly, his loudspeaker turned to her.

"Oi! Little girl! All citizens were supposed to evacuate fifteen minutes ago! Leave before I write you up!"

Kagura sucked on her sukonbu and picked her nose. "I'm the queen of the park, you dog. I'm staying to make sure you guys don't piss all over the place."

The division inched away from their captain and his opponent furtively. Okita leaped down from his perch on the statue's base. "Oi, oi, queen or not, I don't give a f*ck. You gotta leave. Leave." With that last word he grabbed her arm. Kagura raised and opened her umbrella, smacking him on the side of his face. "Oops," she said innocently.

The first division reached for their radios.

Okita leaned in under the umbrella and clicked his loudspeaker off. "China, as much as I'd like to fight and blast your stupid butt to the next year, I'm vice-captain today, and if I mess up I won't be vice-captain until Hijikata turns seventy-five." (*retirement age)

Kagura grinned up at him evilly. "Oh, but, Hijikata said for me to look after division one today." She held up a badge. "Honorary Vice-Captain, along Okita Sougo. Division 1. Here, I even have a note for you." She handed it to Okita. He looked at it.

"Good luck getting your vice-captaincy rank. -Captain Mayo." He crumpled up the note. "The b*stard." He looked down to Kagura... Only to see that she wasn't there. Behind him, he could hear the loudspeaker screeching. "Oi, oi! Everyone see this badge? I'm in charge today- everybody do some stretches now, one two three four!"

Okita blasted the loudspeaker out of Kagura's hand. "What do you think you're doing?! That's not why we came here today! Group one, go clear up the branches over there, group two, back to benches! On the double! Last group three, the fallen tree over there!"

He heard creaking and cracking and snapping. He looked over to Group three. Kagura had lifted the tree and tossed it into a trash can. She brushed off her hands. "Oi, vice-captain No. 2, what next?"

Okita gritted his teeth. "Group three, go help group one!" He heard multiple footsteps, but he only saw Kagura as she literally zoomed through the entire park, clearing it of any branches. "Group one, two, and three, on standby," he said into his emergency loudspeaker. He put it down. "Huh, we're done for the day here. Let the citizens come ba-"

"Oi! Stretches now, one two three four... Two two three four! Three two three four, put your backs to it!" Kagura was teaching lunges to the experienced ranks of the Shinsengumi, shouting into a loudspeaker which Okita had put down three seconds earlier. Okita looked over through the park. They really were all done...

* * *

Hijikata sat on his mat, eating a late dinner, looking outside at his men's training outside in the night... Except some were in the back, waving their arms and legs about. He tapped Okita, who was sitting next to him. "Oi, Okita what are they doing?" Okita looked up. "Oh. They're just stretching some stretches the China girl and I taught them yesterday."

"What sort of stretches look like that, eh?" Hijikata asked, his teeth gnashing his cigarette to bits. Smoke drifted up into the air, spiraling. The officers outside were flexing their muscles and acting like gorillas. They pounded their chests in unison. "I think that's the Captain Stretch, Toshi."

"What kind of joke are you trying to pass off? This is definitely making fun of Kon- the captain!"

The officers outside switched to another stretch. Hijikata's eyes narrowed. "Sougo, what stretch is that? Do you care to tell me?" Okita looked over to the group of division one. Other officers were joining in. Yamazaki was leading the entire thing. "Oh, I think that one is the Vice-Captain Mayo stretch." The stretchers were pantomiming uncapping a bottle and drinking from it, and pretending to puke.

Hijikata, whose hand was one his real mayonnaise bottle squeezed it so hard the cap flew off and knocked Okita on the side of his head. "You, you damned cheeky-! Commit seppuku, you b*stards! I'm going to shove a katana and a copy of the regulations up your ass, you damned slackers! Don't give me cheek!"

Sougo watched as Hijikata ran around firing off his bazooka.

He tossed some pepper in Hijikata's mayonnaise bottle.

* * *

Shinpachi watched as Otae placed a plate of Dark Matter in front of him. "E-eh... I didn't know that you made dinner, Otae."

Otae smiled. "Oh?"

Shinpachi smiled at her, sweat sliding down his face. "Y-yeah, and I ate so much at the Yorozuya that I really can't eat another bite."

"But I heard Gintoki saying that he was broke and the house was empty." Shinpachi's stomach plummeted. "Oh, that's just because ah... Kagura and I ate all the food. I didn't know you were released early, so I ate dinner there instead... I didn't think there was going to be food here."

Otae plopped the bowl of Dark Matter down. There still isn't any food. That doesn't count. "Oh, and I spent so much time getting this delicacy, too."

Shinpachi looked up at her. "Delicacy? I thought it was just an omelet." Otae sighed. "No, this is a very rare find." Shinpachi looked over to her. "Um... What is it?" Otae held it up happily. "I knew you would want to eat it if I told you it was special! It's fried gorilla balls from the gorilla I found on the roof!"

_F-fried gorilla testicles!_

Shinpachi felt as if all the color just drained from him. "N-nonsense. W-where would you find a gorilla in Edo..."

Otae opened the refrigerator. "This is the gorilla." A frozen Kondou fell out.

_K-Kondou!?_

Shinpachi looked at the two round lumps on his plate.

_K-Kondou-san!_

"S-sis... Y-you didn't..."

* * *

Okita looked up at the clock. "Kondou-san isn't home yet." Hijikata lit a cigarette. "He's probably out partying with Matsudaira again. Seriously, if you get dumped, you don't go and drink it all away. I'm sure there's many girls out there that would like to be Kondou's girlfriend."

Okita walked over to his weapons rack, picked up his bazooka, and climbed to bed. "Good night."

Hijikata looked over. "What the f*ck are you doing?!"

"I'm going to sleep."

"With that?!"

"This is BB-san. She wants to sleep with me."

"The f*ck are you trying to pull off, you definitely are only taking your bazooka to bed to accidentally blast me to hell in your sleep!"

"The weapons rack is cold."

"I don't give a damn. Put her back."

"She doesn't want to go back to the weapons rack."

"Don't talk to your weapons!"

"Your bazooka molests her every night."

"Don't give me bad rep through my bazooka!"

"Your bazooka smells like mayonnaise."

"Shuddap!"


	39. Chapter 39

It's been two months, thirty-eight chapters, 10500+ views, 60000+ words, and all you amazing people to finally pull this story this far. It's the chapter before chapter forty (yeah!) and so...

Hello all you readers out there! This chapter of the fanfiction is made for a request at Yorozuya: Separate Shrines, a forum by Bossuma. (Section, CHALLENGES. Request made by someone called Monty Bojangles- thank you Monty, sorry I stole- reused- your idea, sorry sorry! This is dedicated to you, random stranger!)

As per said in the request, it's about Mayonnaise! Mayo! Mayo! Mayo! Mayio! Mario!

Mayonnaise and Mayora and... It's ultimate worshiper and lover... Please welcome the main character of this chapter... Hijikata Toshiro! *Throws mayonnaise at him*

* * *

Hijikata sat down on the toilet. He unfolded his newspaper and blew smoke out of his mouth. His cigarette twitched. "Jeez... Okita, there you go again and trash Kabuki-chou up..." He folded up the newspaper and tossed it aside. "Ah, goddammit... If I continue like this I'll be old and gray-haired and six feet under before Matsudaira is."

He got up and tore off some tissue paper. He flushed the toilet. He turned around and was just about to open the door to his stall and leave when... A tiny tiny voice whispered out from behind him. "Ah~ah, who is it that has so much mayonnaise in their crap?" Hijikata froze. He shakily turned around and stared at the closed toilet lid. "No, no, my hearing must be going. I did not just hear...?"

The toilet lid lifted up and a tiny hand reached out. "Such a mayo-freak is deservedly admitted to Mayora!" Quick as a flash it reached up, grabbed Hijikata's collar, and pulled him down. "O-oi!"

And then everything was black.

* * *

Hijikata blinked blearily into the sunlight. He opened his eyes into the blinding sun. "Gah!" He lifted his hand and shaded his view. "Where am I?" He turned around and stared into... The face of Okita Sougo. Hijikata shifted back into his original, flat back against ground position. "What a crazy dream. Here I thought I just saw a tiny, six-inch-tall Okita dressed on a mayonnaise bottle." A tiny bazooka poked his cheek. "Oh?"

Okita fired the bazooka. "Oi!"

Hijikata rubbed the black burn mark on his cheek. He sat up, reached over, and picked Okita up. "Okita, you b*stard!? Sougo? Is that you? How did you get so small?" The tiny Okita flailed and squeaked. His tiny bazooka lay in the grass. "Where am... I?!" He looked up and around to see... A vast feild of grassland... And rivers and lakes and waterfalls completely of... Mayonnaise. "I... I'm in heaven! I've died and gone to Mayo-Pa-ra-dice!"

Mayo Bottle Okita squeaked. Hijikata held the tiny Okita right up to his ear. "What are you trying to say, eh?" Okita straightened his mayonnaise bottle haughtily. Then he started to say something that sounded like...

"Mayomayomayomayomayomayomayomayomayo... Mayo!" At that last 'MAYooo!' A swarm of mayonnaise bottles climbed out from under rocks and from behind bushes and foliage. Soon the entirety of the Shinsengumi were out on the field, waving their tiny bazooka and katanas, awkwardly fumbling around with their heavy mayonnaise bottle behinds and squeaking at high-pitched voices. They bumped into each other repeatedly and fell over like pins.

Okita shouted and waved arrogantly. The mayo bottles lined up. Hijikata stared at them as they split down in the middle and let a person. Hijikata stared down at... The naked Kondou. "Oi! Why is he the only one naked?!" Hijikata watched in shock as Kondou blushed. "O-oi, I didn't mean it like that..." He heard a multitude of clattering and clicking. That sound. He heard that too much around Okita. That sound of the bazooka being prepared to be fired. He looked down. The ranks of the Shinsengumi held up their bazookas in unison and fired.

Hijikata, in one second, leaped back and grabbed his katana, tiny fireballs scorching his pants. He rolled down the hill, his jacket left behind, tiny explosions behind him. He heard squeaking. "Why are they so violent, this is a peaceful country, goddammit! You're supposed to welcome a fellow mayo-lover, and since when did they shrink the Shinsengumi and employ them at Mayora?"

"How should I know?" Someone asked from behind him. Hijikata turned around sharply. "Who is t..."

Gintoki looked up at him with his typical dead-fish eyes. He lay on the grass next to the river, starfish style. His clothes and shoes were laid aside to the left. He was wearing only his pants. "What are you doing here?!" Hijikata reached for his katana. "You are forever contaminating Mayora! Leave immediately!"

Gintoki scratched his neck. "It's not like I want to be here, b*stard. I was searching for the door to Sweetsland, but ended up here instead. Heck, at least relocate me as Laputa, damn it, or Fiore!" He shouted up into the sky. Hijikata felt his right eye twitch and his begin to pound. "How did you get here?!"

"I ate a lot of dango this morning and it was giving me indigestion. Goddammit, that store owner. He always reuses yesterday's leftovers! So I was sitting on the toilet reading _Jump_ and was having a emergency and then when I got up to wipe my ass this little voice says, 'who is this that has so much sugar in their crap and somehow just pulled me through and... I hadn't even flushed yet. Jesus, don't interrogate me like this. Those mayonnaise bottles already ticked me off today."

Gintoki picked his nose and was about to flick it back into the mayonnaise river when Hijikata grabbed a napkin from his pocket and shoved the whole thing (finger, napkin, booger) back into Gintoki's nose. "Oi, my nostril doesn't like to be violated, you molester." While Gintoki was pulling the tissue out, Hijikata looked over his shoulder and froze. "What is that?!"

Gintoki looked back to where Hijikata was pointing. "Oh, that's a mayonnaise bottle that Kondou was wearing. I grabbed him and he just squeezed right out of the cap. I figured that since there was only mayonnaise here I'd better get something to eat it with, so I took it." Sweat dripped down Hijikata's face.

"Now I know why they were so angry! Give it back, you sugar fanatic!" He held his katana up high above his head and was about to bring it down when something bit him. "Gah!" He looked down, his katana swinging. "What're you doing, goddammit!" He lifted up his leg up.

A tiny Kagura in a pink bunny suit was swinging around his leg. "Hungry! Hungry!" She bit down on his leg. "Oi! Oi! That's not edible, damn it, leggo! Go eat Okita, for god's sake!" Hijikata pulled on her neck. "Why aren't you in a mayonnaise bottle?!"

"Tha's the Finfengumi uniform-mayo." (That's the Shinsengumi uniform.)

Hijikata pulled her off his leg and held her up. "Brat." He was about to toss her away when Gintoki grabbed his wrist. "Oi! Don't throw her away, she might know how to get out of this damn place!" Kagura latched onto Hijikata's hair and chomped down. Her fluffy tail twitched.

Hijikata pulled on her leg. "I don't want to leave, I want to stay here and eat mayonnaise forever!" Gintoki picked his nose. "I don't care about you, I was talking about me. If I don't get back to the real world by Saturday I'll miss the next _Jump_ issue." He looked up at Kagura and poked her speck of a nose. "Oi, what is wrong with the people there, why are they so small? Why are they dressed in mayonnaise bottles? Why can you talk but they can't?"

"Thif if Mayora, dey frunk fo dey 'ad to wear de only ding available- mayonnaise bottlef-mayo." (This is Mayora, they shrunk so they had to wear the only thing available- mayonnaise bottles.) "Why did they shrink?" Hijikata asked, looked up at Kagura. "You smell like sukonbu." Kagura lifted up from his bangs, her paws slipping down and hitting his eyeballs. "Gah!"

"They ate the mayonnaise-mayoaru." Gintoki pinched both of her cheeks together. "Oi, it's bad enough that you're ending all your sentences with mayo, but don't add your stupid aru-aru accent in too, goddammit! How do we get back into the real world?! Why does the mayonnaise make you shrink?! I don't want to die of starvation!" Gintoki was as white as a sheet.

"I dunno-mayoaru. I ate some when I was really hungry but then I shrunk-mayoaru. So I climbed into this suit that I found nearby-mayoaru. There isn't any way to get out this place-mayoaru. There's only mayonnaise here, and some sukonbu growing in the fields out back but you have to hide from the Shinsengumi, and you're too big for that-mayoaru."

"You won't ever leave this place if you were put here."

Gintoki was looking like he had lost his balls again. He slowly turned to Hijikata and smiled crookedly. "Well, I guess we'd better get some of the mayonnaise bottles..."

Suddenly, a light lit around him. A voice rang out from above. A pair of giant glasses pointed down from the heavens. "Gin-san, time to go to dango-land! I'm sorry the official toilet-pullers put you in the wrong nightmare-land! Here, off to sweetsland we go!" Gintoki looked up, surprised. "Glasses-God!"

Hijikata's left eye twitched.

And in a flash, Gintoki and Shinpachi were gone.

"O-oi! Take me with you!"

Kagura was on the ground again, having leaped off Hijikata as he crawled around in the grass, trying to find the location of Gintoki's sudden exit. She brushed herself off and staring up at him. "What, I thought you wanted to be in Mayora, mayo-freak." Hijikata slumped down.

"I don't want to shrink and wear a mayonnaise bottle and eat nothing but sukonbu with it, goddammit, I want to eat it with rice and noodles and anpan and dango and... And friends, goddammit! I want to share it with people! Mayonnaise is best with a group!"

"But no one else wants to eat it like you, you damn mayo-fanatic!" Kagura sighed and brushed off her ears. "Picky, picky... And everyone took so much trouble for this too. You finally realized. But it's too late. Unless you aren't meant to be here, like Gintoki there, you're here to stay."

Hijikata looked over to her. "Hey, you lost your accent." Kagura turned around and said, "oh, well, I guess since you really want to go back, I'll do it for once."

Hijikata glanced up to see her pull out a small wooden stick with a tiny mayonnaise bottle at the tip from behind her back. "This is a magic wand. It'll get you back home. Let's see if I remember the words." Hijikata's eyes narrowed. "Why didn't you show it to me for, goddammit! You put me through so much stress, you sadist!"

Kagura stuck her tongue out. "It's really dangerous and hard, and I wouldn't so it for anyone. Hmph. Don't call me a sadist. I am this close to just ditching you. The glasses god pulled you in here by toilet, and he's gonna be mad at me for getting you out. Besides, if I pronounce one syllable wrong and you'll lose your soul."

"O-oi, wait, wait!"

"Ie ni kare o torimodosu, -mayoaru!" (Take him home!)

"Hold it right there, he isn't allowed to leave, -mayo!" From the corner of his eyes Hijikata could see an army of tiny tanks and Okita holding up a loudspeaker._ I thought he couldn't speak?!_

He also saw Kagura pulling out a umbrella. "For the power of mayonnaise!" She screamed as she dove in between Hijikata and the tide of Shinsengumi mayonnaise bottles.

He watched as she fought some off, and as Okita leaped down and K.O.'d her.

_Kagura..._

And then all he saw was black.

* * *

Okita looked down at the sleeping face of Hijikata. He held up his bazooka. "Good luck in the afterlife, vice-captain..." Hijikata opened his eyes at the moment without any warning. Okita froze. He turned and looked up at Okita. "Oh? You're awake already?"

Okita peered into his face. "Yeah, it's pretty late."

Hijikata shook his head, looking confused. "Wait, I thought you were supposed to end all your sentences with mayo?"

Okita stared at him.

KA~BOOM!

* * *

Yamazaki jumped at the exploding sound. He opened the door to Hijikata's room. "I told you to wake him up not kill him! What are you doing?!"

Okita looked over his shoulder and looked at Yamazaki. "Hijikata has gone mad. His tiny scrap of sanity and his speck of a brain eloped and ran away with a cigarette and decided to leap off a cliff together when he said they couldn't marry."

...

Yamazaki closed the door to Hijikata's room. "O-okay, if that's the reason... Waitamoment!"

* * *

Hijikata grinned into the mirror of the bathroom. He was back! _That was one helluva nightmare,_ he thought. Well, at least she got him back safely. And he still had his tama. If he had lost his soul, he'd realize...

Wait a damn moment.

Wait a goddamn moment!

He unzipped his zipper. _Tama..._

_No._

No! No! Nooo!

* * *

Poor Hijikata! Anyways, this chapter is a bit 'crack' and random, and totally not focused on Kamui and Kagura and Okita and humor... But I was always wondering how Gintoki's balls are repeatedly in danger... Why nobody else's, and Hijikata just happened to be the poor guy who comes to my mind.

Anyways, thank you for reading and reviewing, I hope you laughed in this chapter! Although it's a bit dark sort of type with it's ending of Hijikata wanting to return to Edo, but I can't just leave him forever in Mayora! No! Toshi belongs with Okita in the Shinsengumi!

I love love love the idea of tiny characters. I nearly cried while laughing when I saw Kagura in a bunny suit (episode 50, especially when she fluffed the cotton tail! XD). And a mini-Okita was awesome! And then them all dress in mayonnaise bottles... I need a tissue for my nosebleed.

Next up, chapter forty! Hallelujah!

Tell me if you liked this, and anything you might change. I may revisit Mayora sometime... I am also running right out of ideas, so you'll be doing me a favor when you ask me to write about something in your reviews, so please do!

NOTE; shame on you if you don't know this, but I think there might be some poor soul who's confused. Mentioned in so many jokes about Gintama's title, Gintoki's crotch, and any other random penile reference, tama means either soul or a dick. Therefore, Kagura did not really mean Hijikata would lose his spiritual form, but his nether parts, as he discovered after unzipping his pants.

Above- Look up, in the note. That is the first grammatically correct sentence(s) I've ever made with so many p*nises involved...


	40. Chapter 40

I'm sorry for starting chapter 40 with another boring long-ass author note after ending chapter 39 with a long-ass author note, but hey, this is the introduction!

You know that character that is always there in my earlier chapters but never really you know, said anything and did anything besides some action in one chapter? Well, here's my dedication to that character...

* * *

It was all dark and quiet. There is an itch on my back. Kagura was above me, and she was snoring weirdly, as if she had something sticky in her throat. "Aru," I woofed. "Ar-r-ooo!"

The door to Kagura's room slid open. "Shut up, Sadaharu. Kagura's sleeping. She just got to sleep after Hijikata completely tried to blast her back to Mayora, or so he says. From my point of view Hijikata was trying to buy her a ticket to hell." I looked up. That man! The tasty man with the same color fur as I do! The man who is nice to bite!

I leaped up and landed on my master, knocking him backwards. I wagged my tails and leaned down. _Crunch_. "Shh! You stupid dog, get off!"

The door to the Yorozuya HQ slid open. "Hey, Gin-san? The door is open... Sadaharu! Get off Gintoki!" I looked up from snapping white-hair's neck. "Arr-woo?"

The boy who wore a plastic thing on his nose pulled on the fur of my neck. "Here, Sadaharu, food. Stop using Gin-san as your chew toy." Plastic-wearer pulled me to where-the-food-is-put. He poured a bag of brown chunks into my bowl. I chew on them. Behind me, Plastic-wearer helped the bleeding white-hair.

"You're awake already, Gin-san! This is progess!"

"Shut up."

"Where's Kagura?"

"She's asleep." White-hair opened the cold-food-storage-box. "Where's the strawberry milk?" Glasses-wearer shifted the contents around until he pulled out a carton. "Here it is."

White-hair slumped down on the sofa and opened the carton, draining half of it in one long gulp. "Yesterday evening, right after you left, Hijikata comes running over here his zipper down, and starts slashing things to pieces with a katana, and t yelling that he wants Kagura to give back his p*nis."

* * *

Sadaharu ignored the murmurs of the humans. He focused on eating the dry brown chunks. Shinpachi sighed and wiped his glasses. "Well, maybe he ate too much mayonnaise and got high on it. Anyway, what does that have to do with Kagura sleeping late?"

Gintoki drank the other half of the carton and tossed it away into the trash can. "Hijikata threw an almighty hissy fit. I had to actually take out my real katana and fight him. After he calmed down, he explained he had this weird ass dream, and I told him that he definitely had his p*nis attached. And that he should stop eating so much mayonnaise."

"How?"

"I told you his zipper was down, didn't I?"

"Oh no... Kagura..."

"Yeah, and she started to hurl right there." Gintoki picked his nose and pointed the booger at Shinpachi's feet. Shinpachi backed up to the wall quickly and looked down, but there was nothing there. "You cleaned it up, for once, Gin-san!"

"No, Hijikata was so sorry that he cleaned it up."

"..."

"Anyway, after coughing up yesterday's dinner, Kagura fell into bed and caught a fever. She hasn't woken up since. She was really sweaty last night and everything. I had to practically wring out her bed sheets. Stress can trigger a breakdown. I can understand what she was feeling, I mean who wants to see that right before they fall asleep? That's prime material for a nightmare. "

Shinpachi sighed. "What a bother. Well, nobody is going to come here anyway, so here, take this. I'm going to buy some extra fever pads and some medicine. I think we only have a few of those left." He handed the bag that he had walked in with. It was a bag of packaged dango. "I thought Kagura would like that. Go get Sadaharu another bag of dog food."

Gintoki took out a stick and stuffed it in his mouth. He nodded as Shinpachi left. As the door closed behind the boy, Gintoki pulled out another stick out and stuffed it into his mouth. He walked over to the TV and fumbled around on top until his fingers touched something. He held up a dusty thermometer. He went over to the sink and rinsed it off.

Then he walked over to Kagura's room and slid the door open. "Oi, wake up now, little brat."

There was no reaction. Kagura lay with her back to Gintoki. He could see that her breath was short and she was sweaty. "See, see? That's why I don't ever wanna have kids." He reached over and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her out of the room, blankets and pillow and all. "Jeez, toughen up already. It was just a sideways glance. You don't have to fall sick just because you saw a man's..."

Sadaharu bit the back of his neck. Blood dripped down to the floor. "Right, Shinpachi told me to refill the bowl..." Gintoki slumped on top of Kagura. "D-dammit."

Gintoki passed out. (Remember that ninja thing that makes someone K.O.'d if they get hit on the neck? Well, this is it, just a lot bloodier and crude.)

Sadaharu put his paws on Gintoki's shoulders and patted him softly (smacked him so hard his neck cracked). "Arooo?" He sniffed Gintoki's hair and sneezed. Seeing that Gintoki wasn't going to wake up anytime soon and feed him, Sadaharu walked over to the door, pushed it open with his paw, and left. There was always people to chew and places to poop.

A dog's work is never done.

* * *

A cold breeze blew through the open door. Kagura opened her eyes sleepily. Her body felt like lead. This is clearly not just the work of just Hijikata's dick. Suddenly, playing in the rain last week didn't seem like such a good idea. Her mouth was dry but her skin was wet and sticky.

And Gintoki's blood was dripping to the lace of her blue nightgown.

She lifted up her hand weakly and slapped him on the cheek. "Get... Off... B*stard... Gin-chan, now... Is not the time... For sleep..." With every word, her lungs seemed to lose a quarter of their strength. Her forehead felt hot. A drop of blood hit her nose. "Ugh... Gin... Toki... Bloody..."

So, with no other option left, Kagura lifted her hand up, stretching until her fingers found what was on the table between the two sofas. She picked it up, but her hand went slack at that moment so it toppled down instead. A tiny bottle of hot sauce lay right next to Gintoki's unconscious nose.

"Open... Up, Gin-chan..."

* * *

Sadaharu sniffed a tree. Some lowly puppy had marked his tree as if it were in his territory. It was not. This was a challenge! Sadaharu must pee all over the tree and cover the smell of the little pup thoroughly and completely! And then eject a nice round piece of poop to lay his ground solidly. _This street of Kabuki district is mine!_

Sadaharu walked off towards the park. Bow down to your ruler, humans. And sure enough, they did. Everyone in the near vicinity of him crumpled to their feet.

Hijikata heard a telephone ring and the click as it was picked up by Yamazaki next door. Then he heard pounding footsteps. Oh, boy.

"Vice-captain! There's been multiple calls about horrendous waste material on the streets of Kabuki district! People are fainting and vomiting as soon as they pass by a particular tree. It seems that a giant white dog was the one who was taking the dump. This is a danger!"

Hijikata rubbed his forehead. "Well, why are you telling me? This is just mere clean-your-dog's-dump neglecting. This sort of thing only has a small to intermediate fine. Get the sixth division..."

"Um... But you signed up for street patrol on Kabuki district. This includes finding the dog and owner."

Hijikata sat up. "I have not signed up for street patrol in Kabuki district."

Yamazaki held up a sheet. "Hurry up. You're already an hour late behind your partner."

"Who?"

"Your partner. He signed up right before you. Your handwriting is pretty similar."

"I don't give a f*ck. Who is he?" Hijikata tore the paper from Yamazaki and stared at it.

"The b*stard."

* * *

Okita Sougo snickered evilly as he sucked on a lollipop. "Toshi, you unlucky b*stard. Who knew the day you get assigned to the west side of Kabuki-chou is the day a big-ass dog shits poisonous, possibly even radioactive material?"

A hand reached out of nowhere from behind the park bench and in that hand was a gleaming katana. The katana sliced through the air as fast as lightning and stopped directly under Okita's chin, just short of chopping his head off.

Hijikata walked out from behind the bench, cigarette dangling from his lips. "The dog crap isn't going to be cleaned up by me, _partner_."


	41. Chapter 41

Gintoki felt something drip into his mouth. What was it? His mouth felt hot. His tongue was stinging and his eyes were tearing up. The back of his mouth was dry. He felt like all the flames in the world were...

"Gah~!" Gintoki shoved himself away from on top of Kagura. She grinned evilly and held up the hot sauce. "Why... You little..." Gintoki held up his sleeve and started to wipe off his mouth.

The door slid open. "I'm sorry to intrude, but I am told by the lady downstairs that this is your dog, and the door was open..." Hijikata stared down at Gintoki and Kagura.

WHAT HE SAW: Kagura on the floor, bedclothes rumpled, feverish, breathing irregular. Gintoki sitting up, his hand covering his mouth, also slightly red (hot sauce effect; tomato blush) with also rumpled clothes (effect of falling down after being bitten by dog.)

WHAT HE DEDUCED: You guys already know that, don't you.

Okita stared up to the balcony, his hand on a chain that led to a collar on Sadaharu's neck. "Oi, Hijikata, are they there?" Okita watched as Hijikata walked out of the doorway. "I'm sorry... I'll wait outside until you guys are done... Or finished with... Just tell me when you're ready."

Gintoki blinked. "Eh... What?" He got up, took Kagura's jar of hot sauce and tossed it into the trash can. "Jeez, there has to be a better way of waking me up like that. I have no idea what Hijikata is thinking in his dirty mind now, little brat."

Kagura grinned at him. Gintoki picked her up and placed her on the sofa. Then he walked over and grabbed a bottle of medicine and a box of fever pads. "To think that a simple fever would take down a yato."

He called to Hijikata. "You can come in, you idiot policeman. Nothing's going on."

Kagura peered out through her lashes. She felt tired and worn out. She felt a cold hand touch her forehead. "... What's wrong with her?" Gintoki walked up and pushed Okita's hand off her forehead and stuck a fever pad there instead. "She caught a fever because of your mayonnaise-crazed vice-captain over there."

Hijikata glared at him. "I said I was sorry, and no one was hurt... The case is closed. Your dog is chained up outside. You can't just let him go and do his thing anywhere you know. I'll let you off this time, as your second warning, most don't even get a first warning, but next time you'll be fined."

Kagura felt her eyes slip closed and someone put a blanket or something over her. "Sadaharu?"

"I'm not your dog. I'm Sougo, you little fool. Take care of my jacket. I expect it ironed when I get it back."

Kagura didn't know why but she felt happy at that moment. "Dog... Or... Dog of Bakufu... Same thing really..." She murmured sleepily.

She heard footsteps fade away. Then she heard pages flipping by as Gintoki grabbed an old _Jump_ issue. After time slid past like honey, she heard Shinpachi saying that he was back.

And then all she saw was darkness.

* * *

Shinpachi woke Kagura up the next morning. She was back in her bed. She got up slowly. "I'm... I'm hungry." Shinpachi sighed. "Ah, you bottomless pit. Here." He handed her an entire pot and a giant spoon. "I made rice porridge. You can have the entire thing."

As she started to shovel the porridge into his mouth, Shinpachi knew she was better. She had to be to eat in that fashion and speed. He walked over to Gintoki, who was sleeping on the sofa. "Wake up, Gin-san."

Gintoki shifted over and coughed. And then woke up. "Eh? Eh?" He sneezed. "Jackie Chan!" Then wiped his nose and started to walk towards the bathroom. "Augh, I feel like shit and I didn't even drink any alcohol last night. Is this a withdrawal hangover?"

Shinpachi felt his eyes go flat._ Eh...?! Dafuq did I just see?! Surely...!_

"Gintoki! Get here, I'm taking your temperature!"

* * *

Kagura walked over to the Shinsengumi station, humming quietly. She felt wonderful, as if she had shed a skin. She held her umbrella up high and swung the bag that she was carrying. Shinpachi had ironed it right after putting Gintoki to bed. Gintoki wasn't doing so well. Kagura had to make him drink salty water and eat shaved ice mixed with diced honeyed radish too.

Otose said those things were supposed to make him get better, but honeyed radish gratings and shaved ice were so delicious she ate most of it. So, now she was walking to give Okita back his jacket and buy some more honey and radish... Assuming that she didn't eat those on the way back.

Kagura walked through the gate of the Shinsengumi. All officers froze in middle of training for one terrified moment and then immediately resumed. T-the yato monster~!

All five shooters who were practicing completely missed their next shot. Joggers tipped and fell.

Kagura walked over to Hijikata and handed him the bag. She pointed to Okita, who was running with some of the more braver teams, who didn't blanch as soon as she walked in. She whispered into Hijikata's ear a few words and then walked off.

None of the officers took a breath until she was way out of sight. Many fainted from lack of air.

Hijikata held up the bag and motioned Okita to come over. He signaled to the others to continue. He handed Okita the bag. Sun blazed down after the cloud that was covering moved at that moment, making all the officers see sunspots for a moment save Okita and Hijikata who were sitting under the canopy.

So the next thing the officers saw after the sunspots disappeared, was a huge hole blasted right on the parlor and Hijikata sitting next to it, calmly sipping mayonnaise.

Okita climbed out of the hole. He had known as soon as he picked up the bag. The little bitch. A tiny piece of paper fluttered down and landed on his slightly burnt hair.

_I found the bomb, Sadist, and I had Gengai reset the timer. Shame on you to take advantage of a sick girl. _

Hijikata smiled into his bottle of mayonnaise and admired Okita's fluffy Afro. _You reap what you sow._

Okita held up his bazooka and aimed it at Hijikata with deadly intent, his eyes gleaming red and surrounded by shadows.

"O-oi! Why are you firing at me, you idiot! I wasn't the one who put the bomb in there, you b*stard!"

* * *

Kagura heard a bazooka's explosion as she picked up a bottle of honey and three of the biggest radishes. There he goes again._  
_

She heard the second one as she lined up for the register.

She heard the third as she walked out of the store with her bag.

She heard the fourth as she once again past the Shinsengumi station to get home.

Okita was about to fire off a fifth at Hijikata who was dodging them all, leaving burn marks in the grass of the lawn when he saw a purple umbrella. He changed direction mid-leap and raced towards the exit.

Kagura heard the fifth explosion as it hit her umbrella.

And the sixth.

And the seventh.

And then she walked into the Yorozuya HQ and all was quiet. Shinpachi looked up. "What was that?" He asked. "It was nothing."

She handed him the bag. "Go make some more, I'm hungry."

"Um... This is for Gintoki." Kagura looked down at the lump on Gintoki's bed. "Fine. I'll share."

"..." Shinpachi took out his grater and started on the radish. "Feed him the shaved ice."

"Fine."

Outside, Okita Sougo climbed onto the roof of the Yorozuya. Kagura isn't going to get away with hiding in the Yorozuya HQ, although Kondou did say that it was neutral territory because Otae's brother works there. There is more that one way to get inside there.

Sougo pushed against the badly-patched up hole on the side of the building.

Let's give her a surprise when she goes to bed tonight.

* * *

This chapter is a little GintokiXKagura... I wanted to make it seem like father-daughter or older brother because Gintoki would make a wonderful sibling or parent. But instead I had to put Hijikata in and shock him...

Anyways, Okita's surprise is unveiled in the next chapter.


	42. Chapter 42

Kagura slid open the door to her room. She slammed it back closed.

She walked into Gintoki's room. "I can't sleep in my room."

Gintoki ignored her and kept his covers up. "Don't start wanting this bed because you slept in it a few times."

"No, I can't sleep in my bed."

"Is it a cockroach?"

"No."

"A little bug isn't something to be afraid of. God knows, it's probably your fault for eating sukonbu in bed, the strong smell..."

Kagura grabbed a tuft of Gintoki's hair and dragged him out of his room and into the hallway, where she then opened the door to her room, and pushed his face into the opening.

Gintoki's dead fish eyes widened a bit as he surveyed the vast array of bear traps and needles and thumbtacks. "Whoever did this was very thorough. I can't see a single blank spot."

"It stinks of him. Okita Sougo. It's definitely him."

"... Really? This doesn't seem like his type. Usually he'd be sneaky and put one where you can't see and therefore blow you up."

"No, this is a different kind of Sadistic Play."

"... Sadistic Play?"

"I think this one is called Indecision. I would disable all the bombs and traps I could see, but then I would worry about whether or not the bed is truly safe. Because I don't know how many there are, I would keep on thinking, _maybe there is one more_. And that would drive me insane."

"... Sadistic Play?!"

Kagura slammed Gintoki's face into the wall. "Sadaharu can sleep under the table tonight. You can sleep on the sofa again." Gintoki pulled his face from the crack in the wall. "Oi, I'm still weak and sick. You can sleep on the sofa."

"I'm merely recently recovered. I am still a bit feverish. Besides, Shinpachi said you're recovered."

"Feverish my ass. I'm recently recovered too."

"Fevers are harder to beat than colds."

"I'm more recently recovered than you. I just got out of my sickbed, you little brat."

"I'm just a little kid."

"You're a yato. You can sleep on the damn sofa."

* * *

"So, how did it get to this, again?" Gintoki asked the ceiling. Next to him, Kagura shifted. "We compromised. We're going to share the bed."

"Wait... This doesn't seem fair."

"Hm?"

"Why do you have all the damn blankets?! Give some back! Hey! Hey!"

"It is fair. I have all the blankets and the left side of the bed, and you have all the pillow and the right side."

"All the pillow my butt! You can all the entire damn pillow, give me the entire blanket!"

An hour later...

"Oi, oi, it still doesn't seem fair."

"... Greedy butthole."

"I'm just saying! Why do you have most of the blanket and I only have an edge?! And the pillow, why do you have all of it?!"

"This pillow is one person only."

"I don't give a damn. That one-person-only shit is just so the people would buy one for themselves and not share so their family member would have to buy their own. It's business, that's all. Now hand it over! And the blanket, you're so small so why are you taking nearly all of it?!"

"I always sleep like this."

"You've wrapped the blanket around you multiple times like a sushi roll! Your don't need this much, I'm unrolling you, you wannabe sushi brat!"

* * *

Shinpachi knocked on the door to the Yorozuya. "Ugh, I didn't bring my keys since it's 10 a.m. already. Don't tell me they're still asleep. Gin-san, Kagura! Wake up and open the door!" Shinpachi leaned on the door. "Idiots. It's already 10, god-"

The door opened. A very rumpled-looking and tired-looking Gintoki peered through the doorway with shadows under his eyes. Shinpachi looked up at him and blanched. "Jesus Christ, you look awful!" His hair was all messy and curly to the point of bed-hair. The shadows under his eyes looked like bruises. His hair looked white but his face was whiter. Behind him, Kagura was wrapped in a blanket. She yawned. "Shinpachi, I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?"

Shinpachi noticed that she was holding Gintoki's blanket and raised an eyebrow. "She couldn't sleep again?" Gintoki shook his head and shambled off to brush his teeth. Kagura pulled Shinpachi inside and opened the door to her room. He stared at the huge number of booby-traps. "Whoa."

Kagura pulled up her sleeves. "I'll scrape every little thing that so much as has a faint sniff of Okita out of this room. She started to systematically pulled out and dodge all the gleaming knifes and thin ropes.

When Gintoki was done with the bathroom and in his outfit, Kagura was dressed, clothed, and compiling a stack of impressive weaponry. Gintoki turned around and searched for the strawberry milk.

By the time Gintoki was awake, Kagura had a huge load all done. "How many is that, Shinpachi?" She asked him. He looked down at the notepad he was holding. "One hundred and eight, I think."

"Okay! I'll be returning this to Okita, now!" With that, Kagura jumped off the balcony and started to run towards the Shinsengumi, leaving behind a trial of people who were shocked to see a teenage girl carrying a huge bag of what looked like... Maces, knifes, ropes, grenades and steel pins on a cloudy day.

Kagura walked into the Shinsengumi. A few moments later she walked out.

* * *

Gintoki was sipping tea made by Shinpachi when Kagura got back. She waved at them. "How did it go?" He asked. She sat down and stuffed some cakes that were on the plate into her mouth. She down that bunch with a cup of tea. "I just handed it back to him and asked him how many did he rig."

Gintoki matched her pace for devouring tea cakes, shoving them into his mouth as well. They pour more tea for themselves. "Well, how many was it?"

"He said one hundred and nine."

"You found one hundred and eight."

"Yeah, and I'm sure that there's none left. He was probably saying one more than he actually put to freak me out and make me wonder what was left behind and if I had missed one."

"You found all the bombs, right?"

"Yeah, because of the ticking. So anything else that is left is so small it probably won't even hurt me."

"So you're saying that you believe that one is left behind."

"... Shut up."

"Here, I found my cup... Gah! You guys already ate all the teacakes! Goddamn you all!" Shinpachi has returned from the kitchen. He tossed hot tea at Gintoki. "That was so thoughtless! I was hungry, goddammit!"

Kagura and Gintoki stopped chewing and looked down. "Oh." The plate was empty save for a few crumbs. "Sorry, Shinpachi," Kagura and Gintoki mumbled.

Then they stopped and stared at each other. "I know a way that we can make it up to you!"

Shinpachi looked over to them, his eyes narrowed. "How?"

They spit out the cakes that were in their mouth. Kagura held up the wet lumps. "Here! Cake a la Saliva!"

"Who the hell would want that crap?!"

* * *

Hijikata watched as Okita practiced sword swings in the moonlight. The giant bag of traps lay in the corner, most bent and broken by the girl's sheer strength. "Was it really one hundred and nine?"

"Maybe."

"I have a feeling that you just said that to make her worry."

"... What a good impression of me."

"She's got sharp eyes and her yato senses."

"You think that would cut it?"

"...No."

Sougo stopped swinging the katana and wiped his forehead. He looked up to the dark horizon. "This is about the time where little girls go to sleep, correct?"

* * *

Kagura climbed into her bed. There was definitely no other trap in this room. She had got every single one. She picked up her pillow and pulled it towards. She lay down on the pillow gingerly and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Ha! I knew it, definitely no trap."

The next morning...

Shinpachi and Gintoki watched as Kagura walked around with a nail hanging out of her cracked hair clip. They watched as she walked into the bathroom. They watched as she walked out, her bangs covering her eyes.

She ripped off her clip and pulled the 109th trap out of it.

And then she walked out of the Yorozuya HQ, barefoot and hair half-up, nail in her hand and in pajamas.

* * *

Hijikata looked up Okita Sougo. "Good morning, first division captain. How are you today, Sougo?" Hijikata sipped his coffee mug full of mayonnaise.

Okita was hanging on the roof, a single nail pinning him down into the tiles. The trainers inside the gym were trying to unhook the nail through the other side of the hole but it was punched through the roof with such force that it bent and was hard to get out. Many officers were in the infirmary, their hands full of splinters and bandaged.

If Okita pulled on too hard he may strangle himself.

Sougo sighed. "Who knew my plan would be vanquished by a simple hair clip?"


End file.
